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Take a Look At Yourself

Save Your Life By Keeping Whispers Unsaid

Home was not a word I was familiar with. I had grown up in Dallas, but I wouldn’t call it home. Home was the place where you felt you could be yourself. I didn’t feel like I could be myself anywhere. Only around Matt did I feel completely safe. He knew so much about what my life had been, and even then, I was totally afraid to reveal my true self.

If anyone knew what was lurking underneath the surface, no one would want to be in my life. I’ve always been an absolute disaster. From high school forward, I have been a mess. I try not to let people in for fear they will run screaming. That’s the thing… I know people will. It’s only a matter of time before Matt does.

I am unwanted, unloved, and unknown. I’m the middle child, stuck between two perfect siblings. The moment I got my first tattoo, my mother viewed me as imperfect. The moment I disobeyed my father, I became an unwanted entity in the house because I didn’t follow rules. My brothers view me as a lack of competition because I don’t compete in the same way they do. I am unwanted.

I never truly had a boyfriend, not in high school and not now. Truth be told, my first kiss was when I was nearly twenty-one, and I didn’t lose my virginity (for real) until I was twenty-two. Men view one of two ways. I am either an annoying, smartass, athletic boy that they think of as nothing more than a friend or I am the fucktoy until I open my mouth and tell them I want more, because I am worth more than someone to fuck. And then they all turn away. No one really wants me. No one really wants to be with me. I am an overly smart, weird person. I am unloved.

All my life, I have squandered my talents. I have always played at less than I was capable of because I knew if I played like the aggressive player I am, people would not let me play. I would be told to stop playing like a man. No one knows that I write to stay sane. They don’t read my poems or my music, and I don’t want them to. I don’t want people to know the real me. So I remain unknown.

Matt has broken into those barriers. He views me like no one ever has. He doesn’t hate me for being obnoxious. He doesn’t see me as an object. I’ve never been viewed as an actual person, as someone who might be able to contribute to society. I am an object in the eyes of so many.

It’s broken me. The reason I stare so much at my body is because I recognize the signs. I am broken. This body is tattooed and scarred. It has been abused and used and broken. I am an object for other’s use. It drives me insane, but Matt makes me feel whole. He feels like home, and I need sabotage it.

If anyone knows the real me: the OCD, crazy, annoying me… they will leave me. Matt deserves better than me. Let’s be honest, anyone deserves better than me. I am not perfect, and I never will be. I will always broken. I will always be the girl who was raped. I will always be the girl who was abused. That will never go away, and eventually it will eat away at Matt. It always does.

Sighing, I rolled over and stared at my silent phone. My self-sabotage was already working. I hadn’t talked to Matt since the game other than a morning text and a random snapchat. After sending those, I decided it was time to let him come to me. This was the first step. If I stopped my normal pattern, they would think I had lost interest. I was just protecting them from the insanity that is me.

A knock on the door brought me out of my state. I didn’t want to get up but quickly pulled on some shorts and walked to the door. Those damn dimples stared back at me as soon as the door was opened.

“Matt,” I said, my voice defeated. “What are you doing here?”

“I have solution to your problem. I’m not going to tell you about it, but the guys and I are going to be gone for a couple of days. Finals are done for us, so we’re heading home and then will be back before the final game.” He looked down at me. “Why haven’t you been texting me?”

My brain tried to process all that he had said, but half of the words didn’t make sense to me. “Matt, it doesn’t matter. I don’t think we can keep doing what we’re doing.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “And why not?”

The crazy couldn’t stay at bay. “Because I am beyond fucked up. Matt, I am not the type of person that should be in a relationship. I am broken beyond repair. I hate people touching me, and I’m not great at communicating. I try too hard to make people like me and eventually they see the crazy and the annoying. I always have to initiate everything, and I am so tired of it. I just want peace.”

“What are you saying, Carmen?”

“I’m saying… whatever this is between us needs to end. I need to not be around people. I always fuck it up. I’m sorry, Matt. Can you please leave?”

Those hazel eyes looked at me and then at the floor. He was so confused, but I knew he was a good guy and would respect my wishes. He nodded and left, the door quietly closing behind him. I took a deep breath and went back to bed.

This was the way it had to be.

Notes

Comments

@overneaththepathofmisery
Awww glad to be back! I think I'll be doing weekly updates since I officially have my weekends back!

My Heri is back! *hugest giantest hearty eyes*

@violetshade
HIIII! I've missed you all! Yay gas money! Glad you are all moved down here and looking for job!

Oh don't worry, the boys will think of something.

AHHHH! SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!! Once I get a job I'll have gas money to come see youuuuuu!!! Good to hear your school and health is going well, I really hope that continues!
Also can't wait to see what the FUCK happens to her dad (hopefully something absolutely horrifyingly awful).

@HereticBlood6661 as sad as it makes me having you step away, I know that you will be back, and you can bet your ass I’ll still be, girl! I’m MORE upset about your poor health, honey. Do they have any ideas what’s causing your full body issues? Do they have a plan of attack for treatment? Don’t be a stranger! Sevenfold makes us family ;) <3 I’m wishing you luck with your Masters, I know they can be a a complete mind fuck. What are you doing your Masters in? Remember, YOU’VE GOT THIS! <3<3<3