The Music We Make

I woke up in a strange place, my head fuzzy and pounding with a headache. I sat up and looked around, seeing an unfamiliar bedroom and a naked man beside me lying face down. Touching my own body I realized I was naked as well and I rolled my eyes at myself, knowing what I had done.

Slowly I untangled myself from his sheets and got out of the bed, tip toeing around the room to find my clothes. I got dressed silently and peeked at the man in the bed, making sure it was who I thought it was, then slipped out the door unnoticed. Other people were asleep in the living room, sprawled out on the floor and random couches, but I got out of there without anyone hearing me.

I made my way to my car and got in, not starting it right away. Tears fell down my face as I thought about what I had done again. No, this wasn’t the first time since the guys had left that I woke up in a random man’s bed, and I don’t know why I kept doing it. Sure it felt good in the moment, let me feel sexy and forget all of the bad feelings I thought about myself, but in the morning it just made those bad feelings worse.

A good and a bad thing about working with lots of musicians is that it helped you meet a lot of people, but unfortunately meeting those people usually happened at parties where lots of drugs and alcohol were around. I never did any hard drugs, but lately I’ve been letting myself get drunk and high, hanging out with whatever men would give me attention. I was always careful not to flirt or sleep with the men I worked with, knowing that I didn’t want to get myself in that situation again. However, sleeping with one of their friends? Not as complicated.

I tried to calm my tears as I sat in my car in front of the house where one of those parties were last night. I had been recorded with Good Charlotte, who had the nicest band members ever, and they invited me to this party. I couldn’t even remember the man’s name that I spent the night with, but I knew he was one of their friends.

Eventually I drove off, heading back to Huntington from where I was in Los Angeles. I went to the beach instead of my apartment, though, wanting to hear the sound of the waves to calm my nerves. I had been doing that a lot lately, too. Sitting on the beach and hearing the water, or feeling it on my feet, made me feel better. It relaxed me.

I was still wearing my jeans and shirt from the night before, but luckily I hadn’t worn a slutty dress. I threw my hair up in a ponytail and fixed my makeup before walking out onto the sand, heading straight to the water. Not caring if my pants got wet, I sat near the shore, letting the water trickle over my toes as I closed my eyes to soak in the sun and the sounds.

I tried so hard to keep negative thoughts from rolling through my mind, but I couldn’t. How could I let myself keep doing such stupid things? I cut myself slack the first time, serving it up as a rebound fuck from the breakup. But last night was the third time I had done this. And just like the time before, I vowed to never do it again. I just hoped I stuck with it this time.
Part of me knew that there was nothing wrong with me having a little fun, seeing different men, and partying. I was young, single, and had a good job and could support myself. But my intentions of why I was doing it was what made it so bad; I was doing it just to feel again.

Ever since he left, I couldn’t help but think I was never going to find love again. I know that I made this choice, but it was a lonely choice. Any time a man showed me any sort of affection I glommed on it, which was dangerous and unhealthy.

“Excuse me? Miss?” I heard a man’s voice say, breaking me from my thoughts.

I looked up, squinting in the sunlight to see a man who looked familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

“I don’t know if you remember me,” he started, “I saw you a few weeks back here. When the beach was closed.”

“Oh,” I said, embarrassed; it was the security guard who caught me here after that party.

“You seemed distressed that night. Is everything okay?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s dandy,” I said looking away. Why was this happening?

“Well, I have to admit I’m glad I ran into you again,” he said, shifting in the sand a bit. “I’m
Mark, by the way.”

“Rosie,” I said, not even looking at him.

“Um, well, uh did you want to get coffee or something sometime?” he asked.

I stood there so that we looked eye-to-eye, rather than him looking down at me. “Not sure if that’s a good idea, Mark.”

“Oh,” he said, disappointed. “I just thought it would be nice to have a coffee with such a beautiful girl.”

None of the random men had called me beautiful before I fell into their bed. Sure, they said things like hot or sexy, but never beautiful. I felt my stomach bunch up with butterflies as I looked at Mark, taking in his appearance. He was Hispanic with tan skin and dark hair, tattoos adorning his arms. He had dark brown eyes that I felt I was getting lost in already.

“Maybe I spoke too soon,” I said. “I don’t really drink coffee, maybe lunch instead?”

“Wow, yeah, that would be great!” he said with excitement. He grabbed his phone. “Let me get your number and I’ll call you.”

I gave it to him, not entirely sure if I was doing the right thing. Here I was again, giving in to a man who showed me affection. Granted this affection was a hell of a lot sweeter than the men at the parties, but still.

He left then, having to get back to work, and I decided to go home as well. I needed to shower before heading to the studio for another long day of work.

-0-

When I left the studio that night I saw I had three missed calls from Mudrock, which was really odd. Today I had been working with Paramore, finishing up their record, so Mudrock wasn’t there, but I felt bad for missing his calls. Before I left the studio I called him back, just in case he needed me to do something there.

“Hey, sorry I missed your calls,” I said when he picked up the phone.

“It’s fine- I have some great news,” he said. “You know that song, Poison and Wine, which you recorded?”

I swallowed, remembering. “Yes.”

“Well, I found a group who wants it. They’re called The Civil Wars. Rosie, they’re a perfect fit.”

“Holy shit,” I said, almost to myself more than to him. “Are you serious?”

He laughed and said, “As a heart attack, girl. They want to sing your song and put it on their record.”

“Wow, I can’t believe it,” I said.

“There’s just one thing you need to do first,” he said softly, as if he was nervous to ask.

“Oh, yeah,” I replied, knowing what I needed to do. “I have to ask Brian.”

“Yeah. I know you said he was cool with it, but check in just in case. He may have changed his mind.”

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll call him tonight,” I said.

“Let me know what he says and we can get the ball rolling. Congrats, Rosie.”

“Thanks, Mudrock. You’re the best.”

When I hung up I stared at the phone for a moment, not believing what had just happened. I felt excitement mixed with dread, knowing that I would have to talk to Brian about this. I hoped he would be cool with everything.

I went home then, knowing that I had to Skype call them to do this. I doubted Brian would pick up the phone if I had called him. And I wanted to talk with Andi anyways.

Before I called I freshened up, fixing my hair and makeup to look more presentable. I had been living in the messy bun, no makeup world since he left. I wanted to look good, like I wasn’t home struggling. I even changed my shirt from the ratty old Green Day t-shirt I had one to something a little tighter and cleaner. I sat at the table then with my computer and Skype called Andi, praying that they were just on the road and not busy.

She picked up almost right away, and I was excited to see Zack and Jimmy with her as well. They all waved and said hello, and we chatted for a moment, catching up on what had been going on. They were on Warped Tour, currently traveling to the next location. They told me about some of the shows and how amazing they had been, and some of the parties too. I laughed as Jimmy described some of their antics, knowing that they were all probably having a good time.

“I have some news,” I said eventually. “Someone wants the rights to one of my songs! I am officially a legit songwriter.”

“Wow! That’s so amazing!” Andi said. They all congratulated me, genuinely excited for me.

“There’s a catch, though,” I started. “I actually recorded this song with Brian. I need to ask him if he’d be okay with me selling it.”

“I’m sure he’d be fine with it,” Zack said, biting his lip a bit.

“You should talk to him, still,” Jimmy said. “I’ll go get him.”

When he left Zack did as well, knowing that I would need to talk to Brian alone. Andi waited there for a moment, whispering into the computer, “He’s been really emo lately, Rosie.”

“Me, too Andi,” I told her, trying not to giggle at her use of the word emo.

Before she could say anything else, though, Brian slid into view. He looked a little haggard, with messy hair and bags under his eyes, but that could have just been from being on a cramped bus for weeks.

“What is it?” he asked bluntly.

“Well, uh,” I started, then stopped, surprised at what I saw. “Is that a hickey on your neck?”

He scrunched his brows. “So what if it is? That’s not seriously why you called, right?”

I sat back a bit and furrowed my own brows. “Well, no. I was just surprised to see a hickey since you’re not like 15.”

“Cut the shit, what do you want?” he asked, his voice bored.

I knew I had no right to get jealous, but I was. Regardless I needed to ask for his help.

Sighing I said, “Someone wants Poison and Wine. You know, the song we recorded together? I wanted to see if you were cool with it. I can get a contract or something together so you can get some of the royalties or-”

“It’s fine,” he said, cutting me off. “I told you before, it’s your song. I just sang it in a booth. It means nothing to me.”

I bit my lip, trying not to let those words sting. “Okay. I just wanted to be courteous and ask.”

“Ok. Well you have my permission, I guess. Do whatever you want with your song,” he said, beginning to move away from the computer. “And congrats. You got what you wanted.”

He left then and Andi came back into view, her face sad as she saw me there trying to hold back tears. I shook my head, told her I loved her and that I had to go, and signed off, not wanting anyone to see me cry. I closed my computer and laid my head down on my arms, sobbing.

He was right- I got want I wanted. But why did it feel so shitty?

-0-

Mudrock was able to get the ball rolling on this song even sooner than I expected, and even convinced the band to let me produce the song with him. Two days after talking with Brian I was in the studio, waiting for the arrival of the band.

They were extremely kind and excited to get to work. We had them in the largest booth to record a demo of them singing together and playing at the same time, and as soon as the song started, a chill ran through my body. They were perfect, giving the song the exact vibe I wanted it to have. The whole moment was surreal. I never imagined how amazing it would feel to see someone singing one of my songs. But I was filled with sadness as well, remembering the circumstances of why this song was written and how it was recorded.

I thought of Brian as they sang, how we started and how we ended. I don’t love you, but I always will. The line fit at the beginning and it fit now. No matter how hard I tried to forget, to put the pain behind me, I loved him. Seeing them sing the song brought tears to my eyes; tears of happiness and sadness mixed into one.

I applauded when they were done, letting the tears fall. I played it off as excitement, telling them I was so honored to have them sing my song because it was true. I just didn’t want to show them the entire truth.

“I can take it from here,” Mudrock told me, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“No, I want to help,” I said. “It was just overwhelming for a minute. I’m ready.”

“It gets easier,” he said softly, giving my shoulder a squeeze before moving to get back to work.

I hoped he was right. I hated feeling this way all of the time, like no matter what I did I was just fucking up anyways. I needed to prove to Brian and myself that I made the right decision. This feeling of pride and excitement is what I needed to focus on, not sadness and loneliness. Maybe it would get easier, maybe not. But I was determined to pick myself up and try my best anyways.

Notes

Thanks again for your comments- they mean so much to me!!

xoxo JJ