The Music We Make

Another two weeks went by and my life stayed the same. I spent the majority of my time at the studio, but when I wasn’t there, I was often at parties trying to take my mind off of things. I hated being alone in my apartment, so typically I was only there to sleep and get ready in the morning.

I had went on a date with the guy at the beach, Mark. We had decided to just do lunch at a local restaurant near the beach, which reminded me of my first date with Brian. Mark was extremely sweet, complimenting me as soon as I walked through the door. But so many things about him reminded me of Brian. He had tattoos, played guitar, and had a quirky sense of humor. I had a nice date with him, but the whole time all I could think about was how he reminded me of Brian. I decided it wasn’t healthy and haven’t responded to any of his calls or texts.

I hadn’t talked with Andi and the guys much in that time, still feeling hurt from the last conversation. I didn’t want anyone to pity me or ask me if I was okay, either; it honestly just made me feel worse. I would text Andi here and there so she knew I was fine, but I was keeping my distance for the moment otherwise.

Mudrock getting me set up with The Civil Wars really helped kickstart my career in song writing. I had already been contacted by another group, Dorothy, about the song Woman that I had written after the breakup. Mudrock had helped me with this too. It was crazy how fast my life was changing.

I wasn’t able to help produce that song since the band already worked with someone else, but they let me listen to the demo. The whole time I listened, I felt mixed emotions. I was excited to hear her sing my song, her voice way more powerful than my own, and I loved the vibe they gave the song. But hearing the words made me relive why I wrote them, causing me to feel sadness as I listened. Regardless, I was excited to keep writing and spent tons of time at the studio working on my own stuff as well as with other bands.

The only place I felt truly happy was at work. There I could forget everything and just focus on making music. I had finished up the album with Paramore, which resulted in a huge party (where I didn’t hook up with anyone, thank goodness), and was now giving most of my attention to Good Charlotte as we worked on their new record. Working with them was a slower process, and they didn’t have all of their songs ready, but I still enjoyed working with the guys. They were all so nice and had great ideas for their music.

We had been working on their song The World is Black when their singer Joel brought up some ideas about the record, surprising me.

“I want to collab with another group for one of these songs,” he said as we wrapped up what we were working on to take our lunch break.

“That would be rad,” he twin brother Benji said.

“Rosie, you know a lot of bands,” Joel said then and I nodded in return. “Maybe you could set us up with someone.”

“It would be better to do it with people we know and are friends with, though. Don’t you think?” asked Billy, their lead guitarist.

“Yeah. Hey, what about Avenged Sevenfold? We know them, they’re cool, and Rosie has worked with them before,” Benji mentioned, his eyes lighting up. “How fucking sweet would it be to have Synyster Gates shredding on our album? No offense, Billy.”

Billy laughed and said, “None taken. You’re right. What do you think, Rosie?”

I bit my lip, not wanting to say what I really was thinking, which was that I didn’t want any part of helping Avenged Sevenfold record a song. But, instead I said, “Whatever you guys think. We’d have to see if they’d be willing to do it. They are on tour now so it might be tricky getting them here to do it.”

“We know them and all, but we don’t have their numbers or anything. Maybe you could call?” Joel asked.

“I’ll give you Matt’s number. He wouldn’t mind if you just called. But if I talk to him in the meantime I’ll make sure to bring it up,” I said, trying to get myself off the hook.

“That would be awesome, thanks girl,” Benji said, giving me a hug.

The rest of the day went off without a hitch and we continued recording their new record. They were a lot of fun to work with and it was easy to take my mind off of Avenged Sevenfold as soon as we got back to work. In the back of my mind, though, I hoped that they would say no to the collaboration idea.

I went home after that since there were no parties to go to and I was too tired to go to the beach. Most days I would spend my evenings hanging out at random parties or at the beach, avoiding my empty apartment. But days like today, where I was exhausted beyond belief, I went straight home with the intention of sleeping right away.

Before I could make it to my bedroom, though, I heard my computer beeping with the sound of a Skype call. Though I was tired, I figured I should take the call since it had been a week since I had seen Andi last. I sat at the table and answered, but to my surprise it wasn’t Andi- it was Matt.

“Oh, hey!” I said. “I was expecting Andi.”

“Yeah, sorry. I used her account since I don’t have my own. How are you?” he asked.

“I’m doing well. Really busy,” I said, trying to sound confident. “You?”

“Pretty much the same,” he started. “So I called because I wanted to talk to you about Syn.”

“Matt-” I started.

“No, hear me out, Rosie,” he interrupted. “I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and I really just need to tell you.”

“Is he okay?” I asked, worried about the tone of his voice.

“Probably as okay as you are, honestly. He buries himself in his work to hide the fact that he is unhappy. He’s quieter than usual, I guess kind of pensive. And he’s been writing more than ever before. That’s why I called, actually.”

“Oh,” I said, kind of surprised.

“He wrote a new song, which we all love and already know is going to be on our next record. It’s a lot different from any of our others that we’ve done before. But the thing is, Rosie, is that it’s about you. He didn’t say it outright, but there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s about you.”

“Is that a good or a bad thing?” I said with a laugh, my nerves getting the best of me.

“Well, that depends on how you take it,” he said with a smile. “If you don’t mind, I could sing it for you.”

I bit my lip, not sure if I even wanted to hear it. But at least it would be Matt singing it to me instead of Brian. But knowing that it was still his words… I knew I had to listen. I nodded to Matt and he smiled, shifting to grab the guitar next to him.

“Alright, it’s not perfect yet and I’m still trying to figure out stylistic things. So don’t mind if I mess up here and there,” he said.

“I won’t even notice,” I said softly. “Before you start, is he there? Would he be mad at us for this?”

“No one’s here. They’re all out at the bars. Except Val, she’s sleeping. He doesn’t know, but I don’t care if he gets mad.”

I nodded. “Okay. As long as you think it’s important.”

“It is. You ready?” he asked and I nodded in return.

As soon as Matt started to play a smile came to my face as I noticed the hint to country music. I thought about us joking about it in the car and how I argued about how important it was to music, and how he didn’t even like it. But here Matt was, singing this “country” song.

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose undefined
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
And where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose undefined

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

As soon as he had started singing I had tears streaming down my face, and though I tried to hide it at first, by the end of the song I was practically bawling. The song was so beautiful and I felt so many emotions all wrapped up in one. Guilt, sadness, understanding, and anger. I felt guilty for leaving him and staying behind, making him feel this way. I felt sad for the both of us, knowing that we were heartbroken. I understood where he was coming from and felt the words deeply. But I also felt anger. I felt angry at myself for throwing away the best relationship I ever had, but also angry at him. Clearly from his words he had known he was selfish, leaving me here. And the lines where he said he’d wished he’d stayed… I couldn’t help but cry.

I tried to wipe my tears as he finished and put the guitar aside, but they just kept coming. I croaked, “I’m sorry,” to him.

“Don’t be sorry, Rosie,” he said softly. “I don’t blame you.”

“Shit,” I said with a sigh. “I can’t believe he wrote me a fucking country song.” I couldn’t help but laugh as I said this, wiping away the final tears from my eyes.

“He mentioned something about that. An inside joke?” Matt asked.

“Yeah,” I told him. “I can’t lie, I loved the song.”

“I’m glad. We all liked it too. All of us could relate to aspects of it, but we knew why he wrote it.”

“I don’t know what to feel. I have so many emotions right now. I wish I could talk to him without him trying to shut me out and be cold to me,” I admitted.

“Yeah, I know. I tried to tell him not to be like that last time when you called to ask him about the song, but he didn’t listen. It’s just his way of coping, I guess.”

I nodded, knowing that it was reasonable. “What should I do?” I asked him, totally at a loss.

He shrugged then said, “I don’t know, Rosie. What you do with this is up to you. I just felt like you had the right to hear the song. I debated on whether or not I should tell you because I wasn’t sure how you’d react. I didn’t want to hurt you or make you feel guilty and sad. And my intention wasn’t just to make you want to get back together with him. But I couldn’t not tell you. He’s one of my best friends and he’s hurting, you know? He loves you, and I know you love him. Part of me selfishly wants you to just come here and be with him. I just don’t know if that will work.”

I bit my lip again and nodded. “I was convinced that I needed to stay here and work on my writing and producing. And I’ve been successful so far- I’ve sold a song, worked with new bands, and taken a leading role in much of the production. But every day when I get home, I don’t feel happy. I just keep telling myself that it’s because the breakup was recent, but it’s been over a month and I feel just as shitty as I did the first day after.”

“So what do you want to do?” he asked.

I sighed and said, “I don’t know yet. I need to think.”

He nodded. “Hey, I’m sorry if this made you upset. I just couldn’t keep this to myself.”

“I understand,” I said, not totally sure if I was happy to know this yet or not. Part of me was happy to hear Brian’s words, but part of me wish I hadn’t at all.

“Rosie, just know that no matter what, we all care about you. Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“I will. Thanks, Matt,” I said with a small smile.

We hung up there and I sat staring at the blank screen at a total loss of what to do. Part of me wanted to pack my bags and go and see him right now, letting myself fall into his arms again. But the other part of me fought against the urge, knowing that it wasn’t logical and practical to leave my life here for him. That was the whole reason why we broke up in the first place, after all.

I thought about the words of the song again and I thought about Brian writing them. I knew that him being here with me wasn’t an option- his career required him to be on the road. And it would be insane of me to expect him to quit his amazing job of being a rock star to stay here and have a boring life with me. But knowing that part of him wished he had just stayed so that we could be together gave me some hope. It made me feel like he wasn’t as selfish as I had thought he was, that he really did understand why I wanted to stay behind.

Brian was never a religious man, and hearing the words Dear God surprised me, as I had never seen him pray or go to church or anything like that. But knowing the he felt this lonely and that he missed me enough to write this song that sounded like a prayer really stuck with me.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, totally confused as to what to do. I wanted to stay and work, writing and producing to become super successful. It’s something I had always dreamed of. But when I got my first taste of it, it wasn’t as satisfying as I would have hoped. The whole time I heard them sing Poison and Wine, I thought of Brian. At first I thought it was because he sang it with me, but then it happened again with Woman. I was so happy to hear another one of my songs, but it just reminded me of Brian and the heartbreak I felt about what happened with us.

All of this made me wonder- why am I doing this to myself? I gave up the love of my life for my career. And now this career wasn’t making me feel the way I thought. I was lonely and tired, just like he was. I missed him and wished I had just gone with him…

And with that, I knew what I had to do.

Notes

:) what will she do!?

Thanks again for the comments!!


xoxo JJ