The Music We Make

I didn’t go straight home, too upset to walk into that empty apartment and cry myself to sleep. Instead I went to the beach and walked along the sand, even though it was dark and the beach was technically closed. I held my heels in my hand and let the water run over my bare feet as I stared out into the ocean, my mind running wild. I felt dirty and sick inside, knowing that what I had done was stupid and irresponsible. I just wanted the water to wash these feelings out of me.

I stepped deeper into the water until it hit right under my knees, knowing I would ruin my dress if I took another step. I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was here, but I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I stood there, letting the water soak my legs as the tears ran from my eyes and soaked my face. I could barely breathe and the world was spinning around me; I felt like I was going to fall and let the waves take me away.

A flash of light pulled me out of my funk and I turned to see a security guard or park ranger, I couldn’t tell, heading towards me. I held up my hands and walked towards the beach, away from the water.

“Are you alright, miss?” he asked, looking me up and down.

“Yes, I’m fine. I know the beach is closed, I’ll leave,” I said, walking towards my car.

“Have you been drinking?” he asked me, following me.

“No,” I lied, knowing that I was sober and able to drive. “Just having a rough night. I’ll be going.”

I walked faster now, practically jogging to my car to get away from the guy. He didn’t match my pace, but didn’t exactly let me go, watching me as I got into my car and drove away. I shook off the creepy feeling the whole thing gave as I drove off, knowing that I was probably just being overly sensitive and that he was just doing his job.

I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment, not even realizing that I had already driven there. My mind would not slow down, reeling through every moment of this evening and of the last few months. I forced myself to make my way to my apartment and inside, practically a zombie as I walked to my room and fell into my bed. And though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I laid there and cried myself to sleep.

-0-

Two weeks had passed since the party and it had been radio silence from the boys of Avenged Sevenfold. At least, in my life it had been. I knew from the few texts I got from Andi that they were busy traveling and promoting the album, sometimes even taking her along. I got to see her once when she came home to pack, and I couldn’t help but sense that she felt pity for me. It made me so angry that I barely responded to her texts and ignored most of her calls, knowing that whatever she would say to me would be laced with pity.

I knew I shouldn’t be mad at her, but I couldn’t help it. I guess part of me was jealous of her, that I couldn’t just let go of my life here like she did, but part of me thought she was stupid for it as well. Which then in turn made me feel like a huge bitch. So, no matter what, I was a bitch. I didn’t really like to think about it.

I kept myself as busy as possible, working endless hours and staying at the studio to write rather than being home alone. It kept my mind off of things and I was able to get a ton of work done. And hell, heartbreak led to some damn good songs.

I had done a good job avoiding it until Andi showed up at the studio, completely pissed off. I had just gotten there and was about to work until I heard her banging on the door, yelling my name. Sighing, I went and opened the door, knowing I was in for it.

“What the FUCK, Rosie?” she asked, storming inside. I just stood there, crossing my arms as I waited for her to continue. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for days! What’s going on with you?”

“I’ve been busy,” I said, feeling guilty. “I should’ve said something, I know.”

“We leave in a few days,” she reminded me. “I wanted to spend time with my best friend before I went, but I guess you’re too damn busy.”

“Well, we do still live together, you know. You could’ve just stayed at our apartment for once,” I said, malice in my voice.

“You know damn well I’ve been busy trying to help the guys get ready for the tour and promoting. I’ve been traveling with them. It’s just made more sense for me to stay with them,” she said.

“Just feels like you don’t even care if you make time for me,” I said, not looking at her.

“Rosie, I’ve been trying to call you for days. You’re right- I probably could have just went to the apartment, but when you wouldn’t answer any of my calls, I thought you were mad at me.
Sorry I tried to waste your time.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, stopping her as she turned to leave. “I’ve been a bitch, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you really have. I know this is hard for you, but you said you were cool with me going.”

“And I am. It is hard for me, Andi. I’m trying, but I’m not doing a good job,” I admitted to her, looking down at the floor.

“Rosie, when I’m gone I still want to talk to you like every day. You’re my best friend; I want to share what’s going on with you. Which means I’ll talk about Zack and the guys. I can try not to bring them up if you want, but I still want to talk to you,” she said, grabbing my hands.

“I want that too. And I still want to be friends with them, it just might take a while for me to get there. Especially after leaving the party without saying goodbye,” I said.

“They know why you did,” she told me.

“Seriously?” I asked, letting go of her hands and running my own through my hair. “That’s awkward.”

“Honestly they all just figured it out. You left, Brian stormed off, and you two had been mysteriously gone from the party at the same time. We all knew what happened without anyone saying anything.”

“He stormed off?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

Andi sighed and bit her lip, wondering if she should say anything, but did anyways. “Yeah, he grabbed a bottle of whiskey then left the party. Jimmy took off after him to make sure he wasn’t going to drive. They walked around the block for a while, I guess. Came back later and he was trashed, so Jimmy helped him to bed.”

I sighed again. “I should never have come to that party.”

“No use dwelling on that now,” she said to me. “The rest of us were still glad you did, though.”

I nodded, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “So what do you want to do?”

“Can we please go shopping? I need shit for this trip. If it’s not too much to ask-”

“It’s fine, I need clothes too. Let’s go,” I said, grabbing her hand and heading out of the studio doors.

We spent hours at the mall, going in and out of practically every single store, ignoring the fact that she was buying clothes for tour. It was nice just spending time with my friend and not having to worry about all of the other stupid shit that had been running through my mind lately. We made plans to hang out every day that week, knowing that we wouldn’t see each other for months after this Friday. I just prayed that nothing else bad happened before then.

She mentioned that the guys would be throwing another party, of course, as a farewell and mentioned that I could come. I denied the invitation, knowing what would probably happen if I showed up. Instead, Andi and I made our own plans, spending as much time together as we could before she left. She even stayed at the apartment and it was just like old times. I reveled in it, cherishing every moment because I knew it would never be like this again.

Friday rolled around sooner than I would’ve liked, and I knew that I had to go and say my goodbyes. Andi practically begged me to come to the bus depot to say goodbye to her and I said yes, knowing that I couldn’t let my shit with Brian stop me from seeing off my best friend.
I pulled up to the parking lot that they were leaving from, seeing a group of people working on loading up different trucks and the main tour bus. I spotted Andi and jogged up to her, trying to avoid everyone else.

“Rosie!” she shouted, running up to me. She dropped all of her things and wrapped her arms around me and I embraced her, tears already coming to my eyes. “I’m so glad you came.”

“Of course,” I said, practically whispering. We broke apart, both crying and laughing at the same time.

“It’s just a few months,” she said, wiping her face. “And I’ll call you a lot. And I put Skype on my computer, make sure you do too.”

“I will,” I said, nodding.

“Rosie!” I heard a voice. Looking around Andi I saw Jimmy running towards us and within moments I was being embraced by the tall man.

“We will miss you!” he said, a little too loudly.

“I’ll miss you too,” I told him sincerely.

Eventually the scene caught the attention of the rest of the band and they all made their way over, giving me hugs and saying goodbye. All except Brian, of course, who I saw shake his head before lighting up a cigarette and walking to the other side of the bus, avoiding it altogether. I couldn’t blame him.

Val came over next, hugging me and promising to keep in touch. She even whispered, “I’ll make sure Brian is okay, too.” I nodded and bit my lip, oddly comforted by the sentiment. Before I could say anything in return, the bus driver beeped the horn, signaling that it was time to go.

I stood back with the rest of the people coming to say goodbye, like Michelle and the family members of the band. Papa Gates, who I had only met a few times, put his arm around me as we waved goodbye to his son. Tears came to my eyes as Brian waved back to us, looking at me one last time before getting on the bus.

“Never gets easier,” Papa Gates said as the bus pulled away. “But they’ll be back soon.”

I nodded, moving away from him. “Just a few months,” I said softly.

“I knew things got rough between you and Brian, Rosie, but if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. You’re still part of the Avenged Sevenfold family, you know,” he said, giving me a smile.

“That’s really kind, thank you,” I said, tears welling up again.

“No problem. I’ll see you soon,” he said, waving goodbye as he headed back to his car with his wife and daughter.

I sighed and turned, going back to my own car. I got in and sat for a moment, trying to calm myself before starting the car. This was really it- they were gone. I took a deep breath, knowing there was nothing I could do about it, and drove off, heading to my own fate.

Notes

Short again, I know, but I wanted to update ASAP.

Thanks SO MUCH for all of the comments!!

xoxo JJ