Coming Home

Johnny stared at me, his mouth opening as if to say something important but immediately shut it. It was like everything in his brain was working over time to fight what he wanted to say. Mind and body were warring against each other or the demon and angel on his shoulders were. It was kind of interesting to watch this shit happen.

"Matt, are you sure about this? This isn't something we have to share." Johnny looked down at what I had written again. "It seems almost overly personal."

I sighed. "They've been with us through thick and thin. They sat and watched us nearly fall apart after Jimmy. We owe it to the Deathbats to be open about our lives, the parts that affect them too."

"I understand that, Matt. It's just this is a really personal statement you're going to put out. This talks about everything." He pinched his nose. "At the very least, you need to call Rae and ask if it's okay you mention her."

My eyes met Johnny's. Deep down I knew he was right, but I really didn't want to open up that can of worms. Every time I talked to or saw Rae we just destroyed each other. Why were we so volatile?

"I probably should, but I really just am not up to opening up that shit storm."

Johnny crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at me. "Dude, don't just drop this on her. Just call her, even if all you do is leave a voicemail."

Nodding my head, I agreed with the little gnome. I walked away from him a little bit to dial my ex-wife's phone number. The phone rang for a little bit and then clicked over.

"Charlie?" Her voice sounded strained.

"Uh, no. It's Matt."

I could hear a pause on the other line. It was almost as if she was going through the five stages of grief for a hot minute. "What do you want?" Rae just sounded resigned.

"I'm about to put a statement out for the fans. I've mentioned you in it. Is that okay?"

"What kind of statement involves me?" She sniffled.

"An honest one," I said, resigned now.

"Fine." The phone clicked off.

I set my phone down and walked back over to Johnny. Taking the paper from his hand, I read it over again. If this was going out to the Deathbats, I wanted it to be absolutely perfect. They needed to know what I wanted and needed them to know. It didn't have to be everything, but it needed to be enough.

"What did she say?" Johnny asked, motioning me to sit down.

"She said it was fine. Where should we post this first?"

"Facebook."
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A letter to the Deathbat Nation:

It's time for me to be as honest as I can possibly be. It is never my intention to lie to our fans, and I feel I have been lying to you guys a little bit. Being in the spotlight doesn't give you anonymity. It seems like fans know everything about you. I do have to give you Deathbats credit though because you don't actively creep. You let us live our lives with our families. You let us be as normal as possible while still supporting us.

And because you guys are always there for us, it's time for me to tell you as much as the truth as I am comfortable with. So, here it goes.

As you may or may not know, I served in the Navy SEALs from the time I was eighteen up until 2011. During that time, I was a sniper and then a member of SEAL Team Six. My life in the military was very focused on advancing and being the best SEAL I could be. I met Zach there actually. He was my spotter on our SEAL Team. I got to be with him for his first ever mission as a SEAL.

I am very thankful for my time in the military. It was at the base in San Diego where I met Jimmy, Johnny, and Brian. Let me tell you, we didn't get along at first. Those three were fly boys and Zach and I were just you average SEALs. But we connected through music. Music always brought us together, and it always will.

While I was overseas, I heard the news that Jimmy passed. It destroyed me; it destroyed all of us. I honestly thought Avenged was done for after that, but a wonderful woman named Rae really helped me see that Jimmy would want us to continue.

At the time Jimmy had passed, I was really the only one still in the military. Jimbo was flying his last mission. I fucking miss him. I fucking miss him so much, and I always will. That man changed my life for the better. He wasn't just my drummer; he was my fucking best friend.

After Jimmy passed, I was determined to avenge him. The only way I thought I could do that is if I got Bin Laden himself. It's not a logical jump, but I was broken. Truth be told, I probably should have taken the advice from my commanding officer and taken time to properly grieve. I still work on grieving him in the right way.

In 2011, I was on the Team that got Bin Laden. The second he was dead, I thought I would be okay with Jimmy being gone. I was wrong. A lot had been going wrong. My relationship with Rae had broken done into hatred. We were far too volatile. We had lost our baby. There was just too much. The death of Bin Laden did not ease my pain.

Brooks joined us. Let me tell you: that man helped revitalize Avenged. He made it feel like a band and a family again. For that, I will always feel like I owe him. He fits seamlessly with us, as if he's always been there. Damn, Green Beret.

But the thing is I never really worked on my anger or my grief or my undiagnosed PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I was kind of spiraling. Brian, Johnny, Zacky, and Brooks had all found women and had families. And I am still the single guy of the group. I thought Rae would be my one and only. I guess I thought wrong.

The thing is, Deathbats, that I have not been handling my life well. I recently was rushed to the hospital after an attempted suicide. I just didn't see the light. With the help of my brothers, I do see that light. I see all the good in my life.

I just want our fans to know that everything is going to be okay. I am focused on myself. We are going to take a short break so that we all handle our grief and PTSD, so that we can focus on who we are as people, and so we can get back to our music.

And to any of our fans or anyone reading this that struggles with depression or another mental illness, you are not alone. It may seem like something in your life is insurmountable, but life is meant to go on. It will get better; it does get better. Take it from someone who had to hit rock bottom to know.

All the best.

M. Shadows.

Notes

HERETIC IS AN ASSHOLE.
HERETIC IS AN ASSHOLE.
HERETIC IS AN ASSHOLE.