Gunslingers

Silence. That's what met my declaration. She was silent. I looked up, watching her big eyes as they watched me. She blinked and that's when I noticed the tears in her eyes. Rae sniffled and looked down at the ground, rubbing her nose with her arm. I watched and waited. I knew that she was going to say something. I knew she was. This woman could never not speak.

"Matt, I don't know where to start," she said quietly. "It's taken me years to know it wasn't just you that caused everything. Shit, I still have to remind myself on a weekly basis that I am the root cause of all the shit that has happened. I was the one who decided to join the military. I was the one who wanted to be in Special Forces. I was the one that got shot. I made our situation worse, I did.

"I know that I put way too much blame on you, but I also know how bad we are for each other, Matt. Whenever we are together, we're either fucking or fighting. Even when we were trying to be friends, we wound up fucking. We became fuck buddies."

Rae sat up and grabbed my hand. Her little fingers gently stroked my much larger hand. "As for that abortion thing... Matt, I was fucking terrified out of my god damned mind. I am thirty years old. I am not nearly ready to be a mother, and I still wanted to be the best I could be. A HUGE part of me wanted to call you to be there, but I just knew it was something I needed to do alone. And that's on me. I should have had you there. After we literally fought, all I wanted to do was have you hold me while I lost the baby. And then they fucking told me I had lost another? Matt, you have no idea how much I wanted to call you. But I knew you never wanted to hear my voice again."

Rae was crying freely now. Her tears were make tracks down her face, but she had never looked more beautiful. "When I found out I lost my leg, I knew they would call you. You have always been my emergency contact, Sanders. Before we fucking got married too. Ugh, and that marriage, we fucked that up. I never should have done that. I can't believe I fucked up your relationship with that wonderful woman."

I opened my mouth to say something, but she just sent me a look that said she wasn't done yet.

"Now, for that last part. Do you really love me, Matt? Are you really in love with me? Or are you in love with the idea of what we could be? You say I feel like home, but Matt, I am the only 'home' you have known for the last few years. I'm pretty sure I'm the only constant in your life. Is that love?"

My eyes met hers. "Rae, I mean that. I really and truly do mean that I am in love with you. Brooks made that abundantly clear to me. You are my home... you make me feel whole."

"Matt... there is so much more I want to say, but I need you to know I love you too... I just don't think that I'm in love with you."

Notes

Short update, but I think it's emotional enough for it to be short.