Gunslingers

My leg that wasn't there anymore itched. The doctors kept telling me it would stop doing that, that the phantom pains and itches and feelings would go away. I had been here for months and they still came. Luckily, I was about to get out of here. They were sending me home.

I chuckled at that. Home. What even was home anymore? For the longest time, home had been Laura, Sarah, Maeve, and Carol. They had been with me for years, and they felt like home. After we had gone our separate ways, home had been the Marine Corps. They believed in me, trained me, and sent me to combat. Now that I was broken, they had abandoned me. I was no longer worth their time and effort. My own team hadn't visited me even though we were done with the tour.

My back arched as I stretched off the bed. Home... I didn't have a home. Virginia had never felt like a home, not until Matt had become my friend again. I sighed. Why did my brain always come back to Matt? We were not a good match. Every time we got together, our personalities clashed and we winded up fucking or fighting.

"Rae, someone is here to see you," a nurse said.

I stared at the door as the very man I was thinking of walked in. His head was lowered, his eyes downcast. I rarely saw the big bad, former SEAL like this. Normally, he was totally cocky and all about proving he was the best and baddest in the room. Now, he looked drained. He looked like he was coming to apologize. We never apologized. That wasn't our way.

"Rae, I need to talk to you. I want to get everything I'm thinking out. Do you think you can let me do that without interrupting me?" He asked, closing the door behind him. Matt approached my bed and sat down on the chair.

"I will do my best," I said, watching as he took a stuttering breath.

"Okay. Look, from the moment I met you, I knew that we had a special connection. I'll admit I fucked it up initially by laughing at the idea of you in Special Forces. I never really explained why I laughed at that. It wasn't because I thought a woman couldn't do it. I know women are mentally tougher than men and that's what Special Forces is really about. I think the reason I scoffed at you was because I didn't want a friend or someone I liked to be better than me. You have natural, raw talent, and it scared me.

"When we had sex, it was totally indescribable. I never met someone matched to my intensity and who wanted it rough. It was intoxicating, Rae. All I wanted was to be in you, and I think that was something that also made me pull away and become a bit of a dick. I didn't want to be in a relationship all those years ago." Matt dragged a hand down his face.

"By the time we were both headed to Iraq, I just wanted you to go away. I already couldn't get you out of my damn mind, and now you were going on tour with me? Of course, I was going to be a dick. How else would you be the one to decide we weren't worth it?

"I'll admit, part of the capture and shoulder injury was my fault. I will take partial blame for that. I never should have tried to take that bullet out. I am not a medic, and I definitely made it worse. I also should never have proposed to you just because I thought your life was at a stalemate and I wanted someone there with me for Green Team and DEVGRU. Those were dick moves."

He paused and took in a breath. Matt still hadn't met my eyes, but I could tell he needed to get this all out. We had never truly talked about our tumultuous relationship. If this is what he needed, I would give it to him.

"After that, I can't take too much blame. You disappeared on us, Rae. You left without a trace as to where you were going. We didn't hear from you in three years! I thought you had killed yourself. I thought you were never coming back, and then you appear out of the blue for their wedding.

"All the guys kept warning me you were coming. At first, I thought it was because you were still angry at me... which you were. But I realized, they warned me because they knew I still loved you. I still wanted to be with you, Rae. I still wanted you. And I had you. I'll take blame for getting drunk and needing help. I'll take partial blame for fucking you when we both shouldn't have.

"And then you disappeared again, Rae. We all wanted to hear from you, but we never did. You only talked to Laura and that was rarely. I understood to an extent. You still had all these conflicting emotions about us and were still hyper-focused on your career." Matt took in a shaky breath. His voice was starting to get rough. Matt never cried.

"Then Jimmy fucking died. I had finally started to move on from you, dammit. I had a fiancee and had a place I wanted to go in my life. Avenged was finally moving forward with their music, and Jimmy died. I knew I had to stay in until I could redeem his death. But we fucked that night up too.

"We were better than we had been. God, we actually held a conversation that didn't turn to sex... until that night. I cheated, Rae. I cheated because you have some sort of hold on me. And we got married... and I lost my fiancee. It wasn't until she told me what I couldn't see that I realized it."

Matt's hazel eyes finally met mine. There were tears in them as he looked at me. His eyes never left mine. "I realized it, Rae. I realized I loved you... that I'm in love with out. So we became friends. We had two solid years of friendship that occasionally led to sex, and I still loved you. Then that whole unprotected thing happened and all my thoughts went out the door.

"You wanna know why, Rae? Because I saw a life with you. I saw us married with kids, living happily with our friends. I saw myself out of the military, playing music with the guys. And I couldn't get it out of my head even after I told you I supported whatever choice you made. I did, Rae. I just wanted to be a part of it. When you told me you aborted without asking me to be there, I lost it. All those images died. And that's why I lost it."

Matt took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I lost it, Rae. I wanted to be with you, and I finally saw that. I still want to be with you, Rae. I'm in love with you... you feel like home."

Notes

Alright ladies... how's that for a cliffhanger?