Gunslingers

Rae cried silently now. She had been crying on and off for several minutes. I hadn’t ever seen her like this, not even when her arm was shot to hell. This was not my Rae; this was a woman broken because of a mistake we had both made.

I stroked her hair, staring off into space. At first, I had been trying to calm her down as well, but I was just as freaked out as she was. I was not ready to be a father; I was in no place and still had a death wish because of Jimmy. There was a massive part of me that didn’t think I would ever get over his death, and now I might be a dad. Whatever Rae chose to do, I was going to have to be there for her. Whatever she chose to do, I was still going to or have been a father. We had created a little fetus.

Rae shuddered against my chest. A few years earlier, this would have been all I wanted. Years and years ago, I just wanted Rae to depend on me, for me to be her rock. Over the years, I had realized that I was less her rock than she was mine. We had become friends again, finally after years of fighting. I didn’t want to lose that. But if we had a kid, I needed to get over this thing I had going on. I had to be there for her; I had to be.

“Rae… what are we going to do?” I asked it into her hair. It was the first words we had spoken since she said she needed help.

“I don’t know, Matt. I really, honestly, don’t know. My life has been so carefully planned out minus the incident with my arm.” She punched my chest lightly. “I’ve never considered marriage or kids.”

I pulled back. “Marriage?”

A blush spread across her cheeks as she looked down. Rae was never one to back down from a fight. Had she been thinking about a life with me while she had been crying? “It just popped into my head. I think I’m hormonal already.”

I rubbed the back of my head. Marriage? It was a big step that I thought I had been ready for many years earlier. Looking back, I realized how stupid I had been. I was a young solider going off to war, and I thought having a wife waiting for me at home would make everything better, but I was wrong. Naivety was a hell of a thing.

“We’ll cross that bridge as need be. If we do bring a child into this world, we don’t have to get married. We can co-parent.” Pressing a kiss to her forehead, I leaned her back so I could see her eyes.

I could see the grief and panic clear as day. She looked like I had when I did my BUD/S. My eyes widened in shock and horror as I realized something.

“Rae, you’re going into combat in a few days.”

Rae’s head snapped up. All kinds of emotions colored her eyes. It was like watching my lively friend disappear into a shell of her former self. She stood back up and started to pace. What was running through that woman’s mind?

“Shit. I have to make a decision, today.” She sat down on my floor, her head in her hands.

“Bring me paper.”

I stood up and rushed to find her paper and a pen. Once I had handed them to her, I left her alone. I could sense she needed to think things through on her own. So I walked out of my kitchen and headed to my office. She wasn’t the only one who needed to be alone.

I picked up my phone and played with it. Right now, I could really use a conversation with the guys. They would know how to help me. All of them were fathers, and they all knew how I felt about Rae and how I felt about what we were doing.

Settling in my leather chair, I put the phone on speaker and waited for them to all answer. It didn’t take long before all my friends were saying various hellos into my ear. A faint smile crossed my face. It had been far too long since we had all seen each other. It seemed we only got together for deaths and marriages. I knew we couldn’t play music together anymore, not after our last album. It had been heart-wrenching for all of us.

“So why are you calling, Matt?” Brian sounded better than he had in years. “We love you, but there’s a reason all of us are on.”

“Is everything okay?” Zacky always jumped to the worst-case scenario. Ever since Jimmy he did that.

“Are you okay, Sanders?” That was Johnny. Surprisingly, he had come out the best of all of us. I think it was because he just bottled it up inside and let it out when no one but Sarah could see it. He was definitely the toughest of us all.

I sighed. This was going to be hard to tell them. We shared everything, but I knew they would think this was the dumbest thing I had ever done. “Rae… Rae’s here.”

Silence met my ears. So I decided to just dive into it. “You guys know are relationship has gotten way better. We’re friends again, but we just… we let all that old sexual tension bubble to the surface and fucked a few weeks ago. Well, in our rush, I forgot a condom… Rae is pregnant and heading to combat soon. She’s trying to figure out what to do now, and I don’t think I’ve been much help. I just don’t know what to do.”

Again silence met my ears, but Zacky was the first to react. “What do you want, Matt? What does she want?”

“She hasn’t ever thought about it, and I am not ready to be a dad. Either way, it’s her decision, not mine.”

Johnny said, “That’s smart. You have to always remember that, especially if she decides to keep it. And if she doesn’t, just be there for her.”

We were all silent for a minute, waiting for Brian to add his two cents. “I think you need to talk to her, really talk to her. This is her decision, but if she wants it, you need to be there.”

I nodded, even though they couldn’t see it. We had all matured, more than I ever thought we would.

Notes

Now what, guys? Now what?