Gunslingers

Why? It was the only question running through my mind now. Why did Jimmy die? Why didn't his parachute work? Why were we in war? Why was I still in the Marines? Why was Carol trying to be so strong? Why was Matt staring at me? Why? Why? Why?

I looked at the ground, unable to say my piece to Carol. She was now a single mom with a young boy. A young boy, mind you, that looked eerily like his father. How was Carol going to handle that? She was such a strong woman, and I knew I needed to tell her these things. She was one of my best friends, and she had just lost the love of her life.

Slowly, I made my way to her. I smiled gently at Owen. He peeked around his mother and sent me a small smile back. Carol glanced at her son and then looked at me. For the first time since I saw her this week, she had a genuine smile on her face.

"Hey, Rae." Carol brought me in for a hug. "Thank you so much for coming. I... I am so glad you're here."

Tears formed in my eyes. This woman was the most incredible woman I had ever met. "You are so damn strong, Carol. I am... I have no words for you. I can't believe this happened."

Nodding, she pulled me in for another hug. "Go talk to Matt. He's handling this just as bad as Brian is. And his fiancee is a raging bitch. None of us like her."

I pulled away from our hug and looked at Carol. Was she seriously giving me love advice on the day of her husband's funeral? "Carol..."

"Trust me, Rae. That man is still in love with you. Regardless of anything else, he needs a face he trusts."

I nodded and hugged her one last time. There were other people who wanted to talk to her, to give her their well wishes. Funerals never were for the dead; they were for the ones they left behind. I don't know how anyone dealt with it.

Carefully and slowly, I made my way over to Matt. He was leaning against a counter in the kitchen, silently watching the whole funeral equivalent of a reception. He looked every bit a member of SEAL Team Six the way he watched everyone else. It was weird to see him looking like this, sad and pained. Matt didn't even look like the guy I remembered.

"Hey, Matt." It was the best opener I had. We hadn't spoken in two years, since Brian and Laura's wedding. We hadn't spoken since we'd fucked and I had left. It was something I was very good at, leaving.

"Rae..." His voice was rough, like he had been screaming.

"... Carol said I should come talk to you..." Why was conversation so hard with him? We used to be the best of friends and then I had fucked it up by blaming him for everything. "How are you doing?"

His hazel eyes met mine and he just stared into my own. "My best friend died, Rae. How do you think I'm doing? I don't even have time to mourn; I just have to leave tomorrow at go back to the war that killed him."

There was a tone of bitterness in his voice. Did he not want to be in this place anymore? Did he want to quit the SEALs? Or was this an incentive for him to go back and get back at the people who had killed Jimmy? I couldn't tell and that scared me. I used to be able to read this man better than I could read myself.

"What are you going to do, Sanders?"

"I don't know. This isn't how I expected my life to be at twenty-eight. So many things didn't go according to plan, and lately, I can't help but imagine what life would be like if things were still okay with us."

My mouth dropped open slightly. "Do you think things will ever be okay with us again?"

Matt looked at me, tilting his head to the side. "Honestly? No. I don't think we'll ever be the same again. And I can't take the blame for everything anymore. We're just too different, Rae." He walked away from me, heading over to his friends.

I stared after him. I had fucked things up beyond repair five years ago. These people were people I didn't even recognize anymore. That shoulder injury had changed my life, and it had ruined it. I thought I was back on track, but I realized I never had been on it. All of my friends were on track, but could we even be called friends anymore? I had abandoned them. I had always thought it was the other way around, but it was clear now: I had gone straight FUBAR on them.

Notes

Update... thoughts?