Gunslingers

The bottle slipped from my hand, crashing to the floor and shattering. Maybe if I got drunk enough, I wouldn't have to go back overseas. I laughed ruefully at the thought. They would just sober me and ship me out with a reprimand.

"Matt," my fiancee, Lana, said, "You can't keep behaving like this. I cannot stand to see you drinking like you are."

I looked at her. "You didn't know him."

Lana sighed. "No, I didn't. But, Matt, you cannot keep acting like this. I will not tolerate it. I don't need to take care of a grown ass man!"

I stood up and went to the fridge for another beer. "I am dulling my pain. I don't wanna go back there."

"THEN QUIT! You love music more anyway. I have no idea why you and Jimmy even stayed in the military," Lana said and grabbed the bottle from my hands. "You are going to get yourself killed, and we both know that. Jimmy doesn't want you to die. Do you understand that? I don't think your friends can take another funeral, and I don't think you'd want Rae to see you like this."

My eyes widened. What did Lana know about Rae? I hadn't told her anything about her. Rae was my little secret, someone I kept hidden because I still had major feelings for her. I loved her more than Lana, but Lana was here. Lana wanted me back.

"Yes, Matt," she said quietly, looking down at her feet. "I know about Rae. I know that all of your friends want you to be with her and that they think I'm a bitch."

"They..."

"Don't. I know. And Matt, I know that you are still in love with her. You may love me, but you aren't in love with me and that is an important distinction."

Looking down at my feet, I tried to find an answer for her. Lana knew me better than I thought. She didn't deserve me anymore than Rae did. No one deserved me; I was meant to be alone. That cemented my idea that I needed to get back to the sandbox. I didn't know who killed Jimmy, but I know Bin Laden was the main reason for Al-Qaeda and them having weapons.

"Lana, I'm sorry. I do love you, but Rae... well..."

She gave me a soft, sad smile. "I know, Matt. She's your first love. I understand. I thought maybe we could get there, but I realized, I can't love someone who doesn't love me the same way." Lana took off her engagement ring. "I called Rae. She's coming over to get you to see light. I wish you two the best."

I didn't have anything else to say again. I watched her walk away, not even that upset by it. As she left, I headed back to the fridge and grabbed vodka instead of beer. I knew what they said about mixing, but I didn't give a shit.

The door opened. I guess Lana hadn't locked it. Rae walked in wearing her uniform. It was the uniform for combat which meant she was going overseas soon too. I wondered if we were going to the safe place.

"Sanders... you shouldn't drink before combat," she said and grabbed the vodka from me. She set it back in the fridge and crossed her arms over her chest. "I get it. Jimmy's dead, but you drinking yourself into stupidity, a stupor, or death isn't going to bring him back."

Anger pulsed through me now. What did Rae know? She hadn't seen Jimmy in years. She didn't love him like I did. Rae didn't care for us at all. She was the one that kept leaving. My eyes narrowed and I stared her down.

"Who are you to tell me what to do? You left us!" I took a step toward her.

"Yeah, I did. I needed to take care of myself, but I realize I should have stayed in touch. Jimmy was my friend, Matt. I'm not going to be your punching bag." Rae turned and left.

I watched the other woman I loved walk away. I had fucked up. Looking at the sky, I begged Jimmy to give me guidance.

Notes

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