When I Was Your Man

Karma laid on her back, breathing deeply. Matt knew she never slept on her back but she couldn’t breathe on her stomach from all the crying. Her nose was stuffed and even in the moonlight he could see how red and swollen her face still was. A couple of hours before he’d managed to talk her into finally trying to fall asleep in his bed.

They'd been talking all night, saying things they hadn't for a while, and she expressed that she wanted them to be together, for real this time, and possibly forever. He tried to take her mind off things and they wrote some lyrics together, although Matt thought they were much too personal to ever be used.

They wouldn’t have to decide immediately. Yet Matt knew he wanted to soon. He just couldn’t stand not knowing what they were. He pulled his arm out from underneath her head carefully, and when she made a content sound he was glad he didn’t wake her up.
Matt switched on his phone and quickly put it in silent mode.

To: Val
You knew right?

Her response came not a minute later, and for once, Matt was glad Estelle had been keeping her awake lately.

From: Val
She just texted me about it yesterday. Didn't know for sure earlier. I said she should tell you. Sorry but I didn’t want to tell you when she’s not ready. Or via text…

To: Val
I’m just so confused… Keep telling myself it’s my fault

From: Val
Please don’t look for anyone to blame. Life just… happened. But if you don’t think about blaming someone, how does it make you feel?

To: Val
Confused. Honored and some kind of happy because she really thinks this thing with us could work out to the point where kids are stepping into the picture but so sad too because there are not going to be any

From: Val
I did some research and there really are tons of possibilities. You could use donor ova for example. I'd donate if you decide to do that.

Matt stared at the text. He knew exactly that Val felt like she owed him and Karma, but that suggestion was just too kind. When he didn't reply, Val sent another text.

From: Val
Don't forget you're talking about a bunch of what ifs. Just meant to say that there are always possibilities. You are lucky because you can afford as many different treatments as you want. You love her, you wouldn't be as happy with any other woman even if that meant having "your own" kids.

Matt knew she was right. He'd been looking and looking but she just couldn't find any other woman that remotely evoked the same attraction as Karma did.

To: Val
You're so sweet. Thanks for being there for me. And thanks for being my friend after everything I put you through. Just need to wrap my head around all that. It's probably good that I know now

From: Val
Kinda scary huh, that medicine and all that stuff can help with almost anything these days. Try to sleep now. There's always tomorrow.

Matt knew her advice to hit the hay was good. But he didn't follow it. He quietly got up and walked downstairs to his little studio. He needed to jam. And he needed to do research on his laptop and write or just play music to himself.

After two hours of sitting there and not managing to really do anything, the clock struck 7. He wondered when he'd been awake for so long for the last time. Not in a few weeks. But before Karma stepped back into his life, he'd slept very little simply because thoughts of her were keeping him awake all the time. A bunch of what ifs about their previous relationship. He was happy that he was granted another chance at being a better man for her.

He needed her, that much he knew. This was something else than a crush, than something that would fade away. Val was right to say no other woman would make him feel remotely as happy as Karma did, even if that meant no kids of his own.

And it didn't even have to mean it, he told himself. The diagnosis could be wrong. She didn't get a second opinion yet. And even if it was true, there were options.
Val, their best friend who had to have the DNA of the best person in the world, would give them ova. And they could use Matt's sperm. They could even try and see if Karma could bear that child even if it did not contain her DNA. It wouldn't feel much different.

He sighed as he put the guitar back onto the stand where he'd taken it hours ago. He had not played a single note.

Careful to avoid the two stairs that creaked, Matt walked back to his room. All he needed, and all he wanted laid there curled in his blanket and made soft sounds.
He laid down and pulled her body into his, smiling when the old-familiar pang of joy in his chest erupted.

"I love you," he whispered into her ear, feeling his heart dance as he said it. A soft content moan escaped her mouth, then she turned around in his arms. Her eyes opened slowly. It was still visible that she had been crying, but to Matt, she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

"I love you," she said. He thought his body reacted strongly before, but this was nothing compared to what he felt now. A thousand endorphins rushed through him, making him feel tingles in his entire body.

"I want you no matter what," he stated as his thumb traced the outlines of her beautiful face. She smiled, and then she kissed him. Their hands softly touched each other's bodies as their tongues played. Her fingers moved up his back and finally tangled in his hair. He sighed at how good it felt.

Slowly, but surely they lost their clothes. His hands roamed her naked skin as they kissed sensually. She pulled him on top of her and he pushed into her, making two people one. And that was exactly what they were now. One.

Notes