When I Was Your Man

Matt swallowed drily. He knew his reaction was important to her, and he knew that he could fuck it up again if he reacted the wrong way. The thing was: What Karma told him wasn’t something you just brush off or take easy. It was something that would have him thinking for the next couple of nights.

“So, uh, you’re sure it’s true?“ He asked hopefully. Doctors made all kinds of wrong diagnoses these days, right? “I have an appointment for a second opinion in two weeks,“ Karma said quietly. He noticed how puffy her eyes suddenly looked, and he wanted to beat himself for not pulling her close and comforting her. But somehow he couldn't.

Matt and her were sitting on the balcony, both dressed again after their short pool encounter. Karma wanted that, and Matt didn’t know what was up but if there was something she needed to tell him so urgently, who was he to ask her to stay in the water.
She was right, though. It wasn’t something you discussed while being naked in a pool together. It just wouldn’t feel right.

“And, uh. You’re telling me this…“ He uttered, feeling like a fool for not even knowing how to continue his sentence or what he wanted to say in the first place. Or why he even said it. It was pretty logical of her to tell him, after all. Karma took a deep breath. Even short before crying, she was the most beautiful human being to Matt.

“Because you said we’re doing it right this time if we’re doing it. And… that means there’s a… possibility we’re… well, that we’re not breaking up. And that’s why it affects you. I know you always dreamed of a life as a… as a family,“ she said lowly.

“You know, it terrifies me that after all these years I still wish for that, too. With you.“ In another life, Matt would be so happy to hear her words. That she thought they had a future. That said future was a possible “ever after". To him, they were the most beautiful declaration of love he’d ever heard, they meant more to him than an ‘I love you’ or anything else you could say.

“Karma, I… I honestly don’t know what to say,“ he replied, feeling like he was failing this talk so badly. His fingers started to cramp as he looked at her painful expression. She wants me to tell her it is alright. She’s suffering herself, why can’t I just hold her and comfort her and not doubt this all?

“I know. It’s a lot. But I needed to tell you before you… before you schmooze me into being your girlfriend again. Because… I’d love to, actually. Just…. It didn’t feel fair not to tell you.“ She smiled weakly.

“There’s always… other possibilities,“ Matt suggested, “if we ever make it that far. And like you, I really believe we could…“ It was true. If they decided to get together again it was something right, he knew that. And he sensed that they would. Their feelings were there, they were grown-ups and they would try harder.

He knew that a relationship with the ex girlfriend usually failed because of the same things that caused a couple to break up in the first place. A new survey by Berkeley University said so. He’d had time to read all those girly magazines with all the time he’d spent at the hairdresser’s, after all.

But then again, the very same survey said that if those reasons did not exist anymore or could successfully be avoided, it could last a long time. That was because the decision to get together was a rational one, there were no rose-colored glasses. You knew what you got, all the stupid habits and weaknesses of your significant other.

But those were nothing but blank facts, after all. And with them, something new had come up, something Matt knew could pose a threat to their relationship some day. Should he take the risk? See how far he got? Wait until it was almost too late? Karma sobbed.

“I… I really don’t know how to feel about, well, those other options. I mean, if I really can’t… It wouldn’t be a problem for me. But knowing you could and… you won’t ever get to… That would be the hard part for me.“ Her fingers were kneading a used tissue, and somehow seeing that little white thing in all the black surroundings annoyed Matt.

How suitable it was that they both had subconsciously chosen to wear black. As if it was a funeral for all the children they would never have.

The facts were simple.

Karma had hated and starved out her body so much that she might have become infertile. At this point she admitted she’d stopped being on birth control months ago, which was why it terrified her that Matt didn't use a condom. Just because of that very unlikely case that she was in fact fertile.

She explained that she did want children, and she would have been happy to get pregnant by anyone. Anyone but Matt, who she just didn't want to be with because of the band, and because of his history. But now he'd convinced her. Finally. He just needed to convince himself now that he knew.

She wouldn’t get pregnant. She dreamed of children, after all, and she’d somehow hoped that even though the chances were so slim, that it would work out with anyone. Even if they didn’t stay together, even if it was just a one night stand, she’d finally feel less alone, and less sorry for what she did to her body. But so far, it hadn't. And her doctor said it wouldn't.

She sobbed and grieved as she told him. Matt felt so useless for not being able to help, and so angry, too. At her for doing all that, even though he knew she was not to blame for being a victim of a disorder. At her for not telling him sooner, even though he wondered why he thought he had a right to know. It had not been serious up until now, after all. It had only been going on for a week.

At himself, finally.
That was the worst anger.

He should have noticed. He should have been there for her. He shouldn’t have walked away for some one-on-one fun with someone who was not struggling with who she was and what she looked like.

She needed me more than I ever thought, and I chose to walk away, Matt thought bitterly. And now she really believes I deserve a second chance. More importantly, that I deserve to know what I did to her, ultimately. That I deserve to have children with my DNA if we ever make it that far.

I don’t deserve a single thing for being such a jerk.

Notes

Hey guys, update for you. Forgive me for taking such a long time. Have a good weekend.