Well, how the fuck is it supposed to make me feel? Matt hissed angrily at Karma's question. What a stupid question it was to ask in the first place. And then so directly.

“Used? Confused? I don’t fucking know Karma! All I know is you made up some stupid excuse to fuck and now we’re supposed to act all normal around each other. Or how the fuck did you imagine this would go?“ He called out louder than he thought he would.

Oh fuck. This was too harsh.
“Uh, yeah. I, uh… didn’t think at all, I guess,“ she said with a nervous stifled laugh. Matt took a deep breath. He realized it fucked him up more than he thought it would. He didn’t think he’d say something like that to her. “Yeah, all that mattered to you was getting some good dick, huh?" He let out provocatively.

Fuck. Why am I being so rude to her? Come on, Sanders. You fucking like her. Go fucking tell her and don't upset her any further. You really suck at getting her back, Matt scolded himself.

“I'm sorry. I'm just..."
“Confused," she ended his sentence, and Matt nodded. How can she be so calm? She probably doesn't care at all.
“I get it. I mean, me too. I have no idea why and what now and all that," she said. She sounded honest.

I said I’m done being that guy, Matt thought, so I probably should act on it.

“I’m gonna make this very easy. I like you, okay? I never really stopped. And after everything that happened, I don’t really know anymore. I don’t know if I can be involved in that band when all it comes back to is this. Me wanting someone I can’t have.“

Matt’s chest felt like it was on fire after saying all that to her. He watched her face closely, scanned it for the faintest reaction. “Matt, I… Please just… Don’t do that. We live for Avenged.“

Oh, all of a sudden we do? What a stupid excuse. She never lived for Avenged until she needed some bullshit reason why she doesn't like me back, Matt thought with a frown, suddenly aware that all his honesty was not leading anywhere.

“Yeah, we do. You don’t.“ His voice sounded cool.
“Even if you don’t believe me, I do. Way more than you think. I… I think it’s time I tell you something. I… You know I tried to fire Trey shortly before we… were no more?“ Matt nodded, not knowing exactly where she was headed.

“Well yeah, so Trey… He hit me that day. And he told me I couldn’t get out. Which essentially… was the truth. That was exactly what the contract said. It could only be terminated on mutual terms. Not even things like physical violence could be a reason for it to end,“ she explained.

Matt frowned as he thought about it. He hit her? It should have been me to protect her! Why the fuck did that asshole hit her? And what the fuck have I done to lose her trust? She should have told me! And I should have taken care of that matter...

“I’m gonna fucking kill that bastard…“ he mumbled.
“You’ll do no such thing," she said softly, then continued, “Anyway, then you ended things and I understood. I lied to you so many times, but I just felt like you didn’t support me, either. And for the longest time, I wanted just that. A solo career. Whenever I brought it up you were just so…“

“Indifferent?“ Matt asked.
“Yeah, kind of.“

“Well, I think back at that time I wasn’t half the man I am now, I understand it now that I should have supported you, not tried to drag me down. It was my fault that we kind of just… drifted apart. I kind of made you lie to me, I guess. You were all out of options,“ he admitted.

“It might have been one of the reasons, yeah. But I was a pretty shitty girlfriend, too. And there was a time when I cared about my solo career more than anything else, so it’s not entirely your fault. But I promise you that, I never sent any of those photographers. Ever.“ Matt nodded, understanding that they were opening up about back then now, and that she was telling the truth. She admitted to worse things.

“I found out later that Trey was working with Sarah, you remember Sarah? Your ex?“ Matt let out an angry howl. Of course he remembered. Too well for his likes.

“That woman was the devil,“ Karma said with her eyes narrowed. Matt shrugged. “She was a freak in bed.“ Should I tell her? I probably should. Val said I should. But... In that second, Matt knew he had two options. The right one, and the shitty one. And once again, like far too many times before, he chose the latter.

My problem is I never change, I tried running away from me, convince me that I've grown... Matt thought for a second. Those were the lyrics of Demons, the probably-truest song about him he ever wrote. No matter how many times he tried, he just couldn't sing those lyrics to his entire satisfaction, which was why it didn't make it on the album.

In the meanwhile, Karma went on with her tale. “She stalked you during our entire relationship and told Trey to send photographers. She knew you’d think it was me, but she thought it would be enough to break us up. I don’t know if it was. It was your decision, which I still don’t fully understand.“

Matt sighed at the thought of the night right after their break up, when he’d yet again called Sarah around for some one on one fun. I shouldn’t have done that. And I shouldn’t have slept with her in the first place, not before Karma and I ultimately broke up. And we wouldn’t have if I didn’t…

It was fucked up. It was all a bunch of would haves, could haves and should haves.

“And then I didn’t have anything to do anyway, so I stayed with Trey for a while. I couldn’t quit anyway. But then he hit me again, and I realized I had to get away from him. And Howard, our lawyer, said I could only get out if I got him to agree, which is the main reason why I’m still in the solo business,“ she said.

Matt furrowed his brows. He didn’t understand. Why didn’t she just quit if she didn’t want to do all that anyway?

“Well, why do you think Trey wanted to keep me?“ She asked, and then answered her question herself, “Money. The pettiest thing, but yeah, money. I’m still paying him monthly and the money I make with Avenged is just not enough. Ever wondered why I'm far from rich although I'm one of the most famous actresses and singers at the moment. Yep, that's why.“

Matt’s head was spinning. What the hell? Come to think of it, I did wonder why she never bought that house down Arlington Street, right there down by the coast she always dreamed of. And that matte black BMW she always wanted. Or just a bunch of new golf clubs. “So you’re essentially paying a lying bastard who hit you?“

She nodded, “So I don’t have to work with him anymore.“
“And that’s why you’re in the biz?“
Karma sighed. “Yeah, that’s why I’m still in the biz. And so busy.“

“I… Karma… If I knew…“
“I know. We fucked it up, right?“
“I’m sorry,“ he said. For Sarah, for breaking up. For everything.
“Me too.“

They didn’t say anything for a long while.

“And you came here to tell Val?“ Matt asked. He was curious. Did she want to tell Val that she regretted it?
“Yeah,“ she answered.

“Because you…?“
“Regret it? I don’t know. Really. I… It was good, yeah. But I didn’t feel so great once it was over,“ she admitted.

We’re actually getting somewhere, Matt thought with an interior smile. “I feel like we haven’t been as honest as now in years,“ he said with a smile. “Well, I don’t think I’ve ever been as honest. I don’t know. We have nothing to lose after all,“ she replied.

Don’t we? But then again, we’re not really friends. We’re not close enough. We’re not lovers, and as it is currently, we’re not even in a band together.
“I get what you mean.“
“I’m glad you do. I just want you to know that I made my peace with that. It was more of my fault anyway.“

“We both fucked it up,“ Matt said. It was good to hear she wasn’t bitter anymore. She would be if she knew…, the little nagging voice inside his head whispered. Matt knew it was right. Better make sure she never finds out...

“Anyway, thanks for the honesty,“ Karma said with a small smile. “Yeah, I guess that was overdue. But hey, you never really told me how you feel about me?“ Matt wondered where all his courage was suddenly coming from. The wine the night before?

Karma pursed her lips. “Well, after last night I’m pretty sure you know it. You don’t need me to say it, do you?“
“You said thanks for my honesty. I demand some back.“ What has gotten into me today?
“I shouldn’t say it just to punish you for trying to make me,“ she said with a laugh, “but I like you, too.“

It felt so good to hear those words. “I… I don’t know what to say.“
“Then don’t say anything. But you know we can’t act on it. We ruined the band, Matt. I’m so glad we managed to almost reform it. We can do this. We just have to stay away from each other in that way.“

Matt sighed, knowing that this would ultimately mean a recreation of how they felt right before it all started. Tension you could not get rid of.

“We could do it right, though?“ He suggested although there was only little hope.
“We never did anything right. So why now?“
He bit his lips. “Because we’re grown up now. Mature enough not to let a failed relationship interfere with a great band anymore, I hope. Even if it fails twice.“

“Why does this sound like you’re trying to convince me?“
“Because I am. I can’t stand that we’re both feeling that way and staying away. What’s become of ‘then darling don’t refrain’?“

Karma smiled bittersweetly at the memory, and Matt had to go back in time for a brief second, too. He remembered everything he felt during that one Guns n’ Roses song they had to sing together. The lines were so fitting. It was as if he had a lump in his throat but still managed to sing clearly.

“Well,“ Karma said as her reminiscing smile turned into a frown, “sometimes cold November Rain does last forever, I guess.“

Notes

Hey my loves, part two from Matt and Karma's eye-to-eye talk at Val's. What do you think? Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for your encouraging comments on my previous chaps :) And by the way, Red Lips Like Razors: I was just editing this chapter when you commented haha :D


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This chap has a lot of references to the prequel “On tour" so you might wanna check it out if you haven't already :) As for the rest of the story it suffices to know that Karma and Matt have a history (well, you know that already, don't you?) and that Sarah, Trey (Karma's manager) and of course Matt and Karma themselves fucked it up.