Confession of a King

I woke up this morning, my eyes still burning from the tears that flowed from them the day before. I rubbed the sleepies from them and laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I needed to get out of bed within the next fifteen minutes. I had a flight to catch in two hours, and also needed to drop Shadow off at Chelsea’s on the way to the airport. My right hand floated around the bed until I found the little, black cat’s head. I gave him a small scratch behind the ear as I closed my eyes for ten more minutes.

Yesterday was rough. I couldn’t even get my dinner down last night because I was so out of it. Zacky had even knocked on my door, probably to check on me, and I refused to answer it. I opened my eyes back up and grabbed my phone, seeing six missed calls from eight to three in the morning, and two voicemails. I frowned as I pressed the listen button, not knowing what to expect.

”Call me back, please,” his voice sounded from the other side of the phone with a tinge of hurt. I erased the message and sighed to myself before listening to the other one. ”It’s a little after 2 AM. I haven’t heard from you and want to make sure you are okay. I’m sorry for earlier and I meant what I said. Please call me back when you wake up,” this time, his voice sounded much more desperate, more broken.

I felt tears well up in my eyes again and knew I needed to get my sorry ass out of bed. I stripped myself of my clothes and hopped in the shower, turning on Dashboard Confessional, as if I wasn’t miserable enough and needed more of a reason to cry. I tried my best to clear my head and not think of the previous day, but I couldn’t. Flashbacks kept waving in and out whenever I would close my eyes to wash my hair or face. The screaming match. Matt’s hand around my throat. The tears seeping out of his hazel eyes. My fist colliding with his face. Keith and Sandy rushing in the room, sedative in hand. The needle going into Matt’s neck. The way he looked at me when those words came out of his mouth. The words replaying over and over in my head.

My phone ringing pulled my mind out of yesterday. I didn’t look at the name, knowing who it probably was. I pressed the answer button and held it up to my ear, stepping out of the water crashing down on me in the shower.

”Hello?”

A sigh of relief came from the phone, “It feels so good to hear your voice.”

I smiled softly, “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got hit by a bus,” I could hear the look on his face. I’m sure his dimples were showing slightly and he was shaking his head. “I didn’t sleep last night. The drugs finally wore off around ten.”

I frowned, “I’m sorry, Matt. I never meant for things to escalate the way they did. I should’ve told you in the first place…”

“I’m the reason they escalated. I shouldn’t have put my hands on you,” he spoke lowly.

“Hold on,” I mumbled to him then set my phone down. I cut the water off in the shower and stepped out, wrapping my hair up in a towel and wrapping another towel around my body. “Sorry, I needed to get out of the shower.”

Any other time, he would’ve made a suggestive comment about me being naked and on the phone with him. “Ivy, I meant what I said yesterday.”

I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall in my bathroom, “I think some time away from each other is going to do us good. I also think we need to find you a coping mechanism so that I don’t have to get you a prescription for bipolar medication.”

“Don’t do this to me,” his voice was desperate again. “Don’t run from me.”

I sighed, “Matt, I got about an hour of sleep last night because of those three words. I don’t know how to feel right now or what to do. Just give me space while I visit my family, okay? I will let you know as soon as I step foot back in California.”

“Can you at least let me know your flight landed safely when you get to New Jersey? Or else I’m going to worry myself sick in here.”

I nodded to myself, “I will text you. Stay out of trouble, Matty.”

“I love you, Iv,” he sighed out as I disconnected the phone.

There it was again, those three words for the second time. I felt my stomach do a flip as I pulled up the toilet seat and leaned over it, unloading every little bit of food that might have still been in me. I hadn’t eaten dinner, so there wasn’t that much to throw up. Why did he have to say that to me? Especially with two of the officers dragging him out of the room. I felt it too… I really did… But I wasn’t ready to admit it. It would just make things harder than they already were. Now, if this gets to my boss I’m going to be gone, for sure, or he will get dismiss Matt from me, which to be honest might be worse than losing my actual job.

I got dressed and collect myself, my thoughts and everything I needed for this family reunion. When I walked out the apartment with my bags and Shadow under my arm, I scanned the parking lot for that matte-black BMW I had gotten so used to seeing on a daily basis. My eyes found it and saw Zacky leaning up against the side of it, smoking a cigarette. He gave me a sad smile as I threw my stuff in the trunk, then got into the passenger side with Shadow on my lap. He asked me how I was doing and tried to make some small talk with me, but I was still slightly out of it. I was thankful that he was driving me to the airport, and I assumed that Matt hadn’t given him all of the details from yesterdays chaos, but I just wanted to clear my head and not think about my man, my job, or my man’s gang for the next eight days. We dropped Shadow off at Chelsea’s, and you would’ve thought that I was dropping off my actual child for a week. I got eye rolls from Brian, Chelsea and Zacky as I snuggled my little cat against my chest, whispering to it that mommy loved him and would be coming back to get him very soon. Zacky stayed with me until I boarded my flight, surprising me with a hug and a “have a safe flight” as I said goodbye to him.

The flight was a little less than five hours, and I used the time to take a nice nap so that I would be ready to see my family. It was about five in the afternoon when I arrived in New Jersey, and I was immediately greeted by my mom at the airport.

“Ivy!” My mom’s voice cried out as she wrapped her arms around me. “I have missed you so much.” She held me away at an arms-length and gave me a once-over, “You look so good, my dear. You are glowing.”

I smiled and pulled her back to me, hugging her tight, “Thanks, mom. I’ve really missed you. Where’s Andrew?”

“He’s in the car. Let’s get your things. Everyone should be arriving to the house around now, so we’ll only be about an hour late. You’re going to have to tell me all about California… all about work. Everyone is so excited to see you,” she rambled while grabbing my bags. “Let me carry these.”

“Mom, I can do it myself,” I laughed as I followed her out of the airport and headed toward my older brother’s car. She ushered me into the passenger seat while she threw my bags into the trunk. I got in and my brown eyes hit my brother’s blue ones. A smile was tugging on his lips as I grinned at him.

“Come here,” he laughed and threw an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into a half-embrace. “I missed you, short shit.”

“I missed you too, asshole,” I giggled and hit his arm playfully.

“It’s so nice to have my kids together in one place again,” my mom muttered from the back. I looked in the rearview mirror to see her with a huge smile on her face. This vacation was going to be really good.

We made small talk on the hour drive from the airport to our beach house for the next five days. They both had so many questions for me about how California was, how Chelsea was, how work was, etc. My mom started telling stories of things that had been going on at home throughout the last year. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. We were immediately bum-rushed by the rest of my extended family when we arrived at the house. I had to have gotten about thirty kisses from my aunts and grandma, and a million hugs from my grandpa, uncles and cousins. All of the questions started flying around toward my mom, Andrew and myself. It had been so long since we have all been together as one, big, happy family.

I was finally able to excuse myself and grabbed my bags, heading up to the room I was going to be sharing with Andrew over the next couple days. He followed me up there with his own bags. I threw mine onto the floor next to the bed I claimed as my own, and flopped down on it.

“How have things been, really?” I looked over at my brother who was lying in the same position as me. Andrew was three years older than me and about a foot taller, but we looked almost like twins other than our eyes.

He sighed and folded his arms under his head, “He’s getting worse.”

I frowned, “That’s what mom said. I wish I actually cared, but I don’t.”

“I went to see him last week. He can barely get out of bed, but was thankful I took the time to come by. He asked about you. Said he was proud of how well you’re doing,” Adam looked over at me. “They said he maybe has a couple months left at most.”

I nodded, “Good for you going to talk to him. I’m not going to see him, if that’s what you’re getting at with all this. He was in your life, Drew, not mine. He made it a point to get out of mine.”

“I know, Iv,” he laughed and sat up. “I’m not expecting you to visit him. I wouldn’t visit him either if I was you. I just thought you’d like to know. Now, how have you been, really?”

I sighed and stretched my arms out above me, “Stressed out of my mind if I’m being honest. I can’t talk about work much, but boy, oh boy, do those murderers make you tired at the end of the day. Are you and Emily engaged yet?”

“I’m planning on asking when I get back home,” he grinned. My brother and his girlfriend had been together for six years and he had been throwing around the idea of proposing for the last two years. We were all waiting for it, but he was chicken shit.

My phone started ringing and I was pulled from the conversation, muttering the word shit to myself realizing I forgot to tell Matt when I landed. His name popped up on my phone and I answered it smoothly, ”Hey, I’m so sorry I didn’t let you know when I landed. I saw my mom as soon as I got off the plane and it slipped my mind.”

I could hear the smile on his lips, “I figured as much. Glad you got there safely. Enjoy and I’ll talk to you soon, baby. Call me whenever you want to talk, you know I’ll be by the phone waiting for you.”

I felt my cheeks heat up a bit, “Thank you. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye, Iv. I love you.” I hung the phone up.

“Who’s the lucky guy?” Andrew eyed me. “Planning on telling us about him?”

I rolled my eyes, “There is no lucky guy. I’m not seeing anyone.”

“I call bullshit,” my brother grumbled. “So does that little bump on your stomach.”

I looked down and saw that my shirt had ridden up and I was mortified. I had been wearing looser clothes lately, trying not to show what was going on. I knew why I had been throwing up because I took a test last week and it came back positive. That’s part of the reason why it freaked me out so much that Matt told me he loved me. This was all becoming real. Really freaking real.

I pulled my shirt down and glared at my brother, “Don’t you dare tell mom, Andrew. Or I will hang you from this ceiling fan by your balls.”

My brother looked unamused, “So do you have a boyfriend or what?”

“It’s complicated,” I sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it right now, especially not with you. You won’t understand. Just promise me you’ll keep your mouth shut.”

“You owe me big time,” Andrew got up and came over to my bed, throwing his arms around my shoulders and pulling me up to hug him. “I’m here for you no matter what.”

Notes