My Bloody Idiot

Mum died on 28th of December, doing what she does best – cursing profusely. My dad had just arrived at her hospital room with a huge bouquet of crimson roses only to hear mum’s last words and I quote: „Didn’t you get the fucking memo? The funeral is on Sunday.”

I have to say – it wouldn’t be as funny if it wouldn’t be as sad. My dad is still seeing the shrink two times a week. He claims mum is haunting him, which is absolutely ridiculous if you ask me. I strongly believe mum would pick Margaritas with either the Rev or Kurt Cobain over whispering sweet nothings in my dad’s ear at any time of the day, so... My dear old dad, I’m afraid, has gone completely bonkers. And not in the good kinda way.

It’s been half a year since mum passed and even if she was, as my dear father says, haunting his bloody ass, there’s no way she wouldn’t grow tired of watching her ex husband drive himself in to pure insanity for over six months. Fine, it probably would be hell load of fun for the first month or so, but over six months? Please... Like she wouldn’t have better stuff to do in her afterlife.

Do I miss her? Of course I do – she’s my mum for pete’s sake, but I’ve come to terms with everything and if this happened to her, that means it should’ve happened to her and her only.

The fact that the bearded man up above took her away on the same date as he took Rev undoubtedly meant he had a big drum festival on this certain date and he was politely inviting all the best drummers to participate in the bloody thing.

All joke’s aside? Fine... Sure, there’s the occasional tear in my eye when I see or hear something that reminds me of her, but honestly? I’ve had my closure. She was there for me when I gave birth and I can only imagine how hard it must’ve been for her to be there and realize that’s probably the only time she will hold her granddaughter. And yes, she was the first one to hold her. Many said I’m crazy – that the bond won’t create between me and my daughter because the first person she felt was her grandma, but I don’t believe in that bullshit. My „little” wonder who was 7.8 pounds at birth is the light of my life. The fact that she destroyed my vagina completely hasn’t decreased my love for the little monster in any way. Neither does the fact that I had four stitches.

Had I known managing the label and raising two children would’ve been this difficult I would’ve never had sex. Ever. I would’ve marched straight to the monastery and turned all lesbo on those hot nuns. Although the second child I’ve seemingly gotten as an additional feature. No sex was required for Ralph. At least not on my part. In the end me and Brian decided to adopt him together. For better or worse... definitely for the worst. Just imagine me as a mother.

„Ralph?” I boosted myself up on the back of the couch as I watched Ralph turn around to look at me with his big blues. Well... Shit. I wasn’t expecting for that much of an attention. Now I feel nervous. „I was...” God, how to put this... „I was wondering... do you miss your mommy?”

He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language, a language he didn’t understand. Like I was the retard who didn’t understand that you actually have to bake the dough before putting it in your mouth. He frowned, „You-you’re my mo-mo-mommy...”

„Your... other mommy,” I explained quietly.

He shook his head. „No. I miss daddy...” I was actually surprised how quickly he started calling me mom and Brian dad or daddy. Maybe it was because he saw me talking to Rosie on daily basis and telling her ‘daddy misses you’, ‘daddy loves you’, ‘daddy will be home soon’ or something along the lines. At one point I stopped actually caring that he wasn’t my own and started treating him exactly like I would Rosie.

The corners of my lips raised in a genuine smile, „He misses you too, honey.”

„Where i-is R-r-r-rosie?” He stuttered as I walked around the couch to sit down. He crawled in my lap instantly. I swear to God he was almost too protective of the little shit-factory. The only place this kid fell asleep was my bed, watching after Rosie. I always ended up carrying him over to his room, which actually used to be mum’s room. I figured it would be for the best to stay here instead of buying another couple million house for no apparent reason. Brian kept saying I spend too much money on every-fucking-thing, but do you see me flying a private jet from one venue to another? I believe not. Yes, I’m talking about my fiance and his newest instagram picture.

„She’s upstairs. Sleeping.” I said as I wrapped my arms around his waist. „Aren’t you sleepy? I think it’s time for a nap.” My eyes rose to meet with the tv screen where Tom was chasing Jerry. Thank God his new favorite was this classic instead of the bloody South Park. I honestly had no idea what you had to smoke to come up with the plot of South Park.

He shook his head yet he let out a yawn. Yea- not sleepy my bony behind. Ralph leaned into me right after I had pulled the soft blanket over the both of us. „When is dad c-c-c-coming ho-ho-home?”

„Tomorrow,” I replied, gently caressing his head. Me and Brian had hoped that his stuttering would if not go away completely when he moved in with us than at least tone down significantly, but that really hadn’t happened. I felt so bloody sorry each time he struggled to get a word out. It honestly broke my fucking heart. „But grandma is coming over to look after you and your sister while I go to work a little at the studio. Are you happy that she is coming over?”

„Yep,” He nodded weakly, I could tell he was slowly falling asleep. Naps are for the weak, yeah right. When he’ll be older he’d wish he’d taken more naps back in the day. „She brings c-c-c-candy.”

„Does she now,” I mused, my eyelids becoming really heavy. Well, I guess a little nap wouldn’t hurt anybody, right? Just for a couple of minutes. Yeah. Ten minutes tops and then I’ll get up. I didn’t even mind Ralph elbowing me in the ribs a time or two, at this point exhaustion had gained a fully different meaning.

You have to understand the rising panic attack in my chest when I woke up and it was already dark outside and the kid wasn’t laying beside me anymore. He’s been kidnapped! Right under my bloody nose.

I sat up in an instant as I looked around with a mix of terror and confusion in my eyes when I saw a smiling Suzy looking back at me from the kitchen.

„Relax, honey, Brian took the kids,” She said gaining an even more intense frown from my lovely persona. Brian? Oh Papa Gates.

I sighed in relief, „Bloody Hell... I swear I just wanted to close my eyes for a couple of minutes...” My fingers ran through my faded hair.

„I think it still counts as a couple,” She chuckled as she walked over to sit down on the couch by my feet, carrying two mugs. „Here.”

I took the white mug from her, but as soon as I brought it to my mouth I felt a strong scent travel deep in my nostrils. My eyes fixed on her, „Is there... alcohol?”

„Peppermint tea and a drop of rum,” She said bringing her own mug to her lips, „Brian told me you’re not breastfeeding anymore so we can allow ourselves to a bit of a girls night.”

„I didn’t even hear you guys come in...” I could’ve been seriously robbed right under my goddamn nose. What kind of a mother was I? Where was the meowing demon alarm when he was needed?

„You’re exhausted. It’s perfectly understandable,” She shot me a comforting smile. „Having two kids and a business would tire anyone out. Not speaking about Brian as a fiance.”

„Oh hell... I had to go to the studio,” I quickly set down the mug on the coffee table and got up from the couch. „I’m sorry Suzy, this is really sweet and all, but I have to get through some papers ASAP.”

She couldn’t manage to utter a word when I was already reaching for the door handle and just moments later I opened the door and froze in my place. Brian was standing on the sidewalk with his suitcases by his feet. I’m definitely sleep deprived and this is some fucked up hallucination. I blinked a couple times to try and usher the hallucination away, but it didn’t go away.

Brian gave me his signature smirk as he walked closer. „Missed me?”

„You were supposed to arrive tomorrow...” I whispered, basically gawking at the guy. No, no, no, no... he wasn’t supposed to see me like this... this hot mess... I wasn’t wearing any make-up, my blue circles were the first thing you saw looking at my face and my dirty hair was in a high bun, which seemed like I’m basically bald and were carrying a bird’s nest on top of my shiny scalp. And... I probably smelled like baby puke.

„Change of plans,” He grinned stopping just a few feet away from me, „I talked my wonderful father and Suzy to take the kids for the night and probably tomorrow. You have exactly half an hour to get ready.”

„Half an hour? Where are we going?” That’s the million dollar question, huh? The sun was long gone and I kinda didn’t believe he was up for a trip to some fancy-pants restaurant to talk out the debauchery they had gotten themselves into while on tour.

„Fine, let’s make it forty minutes.” His fingers took my chin, before he raised my head up to meet his.

„That still doesn’t answer my question, Haner.” I whispered.

He just kept grinning, before his lips crashed against mine.

Notes