My Bloody Idiot

The worst possible day in my entire life started with a simple phone call. Nothing crazy, right? It continued with Saint’s voice laughing over the phone a ‘Vex, I had the weirdest dream,’ and us going to the Walmart to buy a pregnancy test, because in that fucking dream I was bloody pregnant.

“Which one do you want?” Saint looked back at me, picking up a box at the isle, “the pink one or the blue one?” She snickered, fixing her eyes back on the pregnancy tests.

I just rolled my eyes. This was stupid. I could not get pregnant, she knew it. Besides how would I get pregnant if I hadn’t had a good lay in over two months, huh? Nevertheless, I decided to roll with Saint and agreed to piss on the bloody stick for shits and giggles, although you don’t see me giggling now.

“Come on, stop being a sour puss,” Saint pouted still holding the packages.

“Knowing I’m not pregnant, I can piss on both of them. Hell, you can even take them all if that eases your troubled heart.” I crossed my arms as a know-it-all smirk pulled at my lips.

“How can you be so sure you’re not pregnant?” Her eyebrows puckered as she watched me, “Hell, even I have doubts every now and then.”

“It’s easy, I’m off the pill which means no periods for me and no periods mean no chance of getting pregers.” I explained. Not that I could get knocked up whilst being on the bloody pill. “Now can you please pick one so we can roll?”

She graced me with a long stare. “You know, you’ve gotten fatter.” That’s fucking low, Saint.

I rolled my eyes, “Yeah, because I’m a daily guest at Taco Bell. Now come on and let’s fucking go.”

Quite frankly I had other things preoccupying my mind at the moment. Let’s start with my mum, who is still in a major fucking denial about her illness and I just can’t, for the life of me, figure out if she’s fucking crazy or gone completely bollocks since she got back from New York just weeks ago, and now she’s planning a trip to Tokyo. Why all the fucking travelling? Isn’t she supposed to remain at home and relax? Flying isn’t something you’d consider relaxing, not speaking about her leaving me to fill her shoes around the label yet a-fucking-gain. I didn’t fucking ask for this!

And then, of course, we have the fundraiser. As far as I know the Avenged are about to finish their album and they’re already planning the promotion tour for the record, which means they’ll be off in a month. A fucking month! Which leaves me with a single option… I have to work the fundraiser tour into their fucking tour so they don’t end up playing the same show twice in one place. Fucking bollocks.

Another tiny little problem that grinds my fucking gears is the fact that Brian actually moved out. That night when I got home from the studio– his stuff was already gone and so was he. The fact itself wouldn’t be an actual problem, the fact that he’s now officially dating Jen makes it my fucking problem. Oh and he’s not talking to me, so there’s that.

“Apollo to planet Vex?” Saint spoke from the driver’s seat. Seemed I had completely zoned out as soon as I got in her Jaguar.

My eyes connected with her baby blues, “huh?”

“Jesus, woman, why do I even bother…” She rolled her eyes as she sped over the red light. The first instinct in people who actually know what common sense and a drop of fear is – stopping when you see the bloody red light. We both were going to die… or worse. She’s going to lose her license and I’ll be forced to drive her ass around. “You know I hate repeating myself…”

“Then don’t.” I shrugged. It was as easy as that. I raised my converse covered foot and rested it against the dashboard. “God knows you can’t tell me anything I haven’t heard before. And for the love of the almighty, enough with the pregnancy jokes.”

A naughty grin appeared on her face, “But what if you are?”

“Ughh,” I groaned, “Saint!”

“Come on, we could play it out right. I’d give anything to hear someone actually say ‘Luke, I am your father’ kinda thing,” She chuckled, nearly hitting a pedestrian on the fucking sidewalk. How high do you actually have to be to give her a fucking driver’s license?

I pinched the bridge of my nose, “You’re killing me here…”

“So who’s the father?” She continued, ignoring me completely, “Have you fucked anyone besides Gates?” I just kept my eyes closed, trying to drain out her voice by listening to the engine. “I know you don’t go out a lot, but I mean, you have to be sleeping with someone.”

“Yeah, occasionally I sleep with Jameson,” My eyes popped open and I turned to look at her, confused, “What makes you think I’m whoring around?”

“You’re the combination of Jude and Henry…” She said it like it should explain everything to me. I frowned, not really getting where this conversation is going. “Your sex drive should be out of this world.”

“Gee, thanks for calling my parents sluts.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Believe it or not, they do have other things on their minds,” at least mum had. Dad’s fifth divorce said enough about him.

“God, I didn’t mean it like that,” She explained pulling on Morning Tide Drive and just moments later stopping the car next to her house. I straightened in my seat, noticing Matt’s Audi and right next to it a black BMW gracing his driveway. “That asshole parked in my spot,” Saint hissed, turning off the engine and taking the key out of the ignition.

“What will we do now?” I freed myself from the seat-belt and got out of the car, noticing the front door open to reveal Matt only in his shorts and Brian looking simply dashing as always. I think my heart just flunked to my stomach.

“Get your car out of my fucking driveway, Gates!” Saint yelled. Jesus, mind the language, spitfire. Our neighbors actually do have kids.

“I’m just leaving,” Brian replied as both Matt and he started to move towards us.

I looked back at Saint to see her picking out the plastic bag full of pregnancy tests.

“Can you… You know… Just leave those here for now?” I cringed right at the moment when one of them fell out of the bag and landed by her feet. “You have to be fucking kidding me…”

“What do you have there, babe?” Matt stopped right in front of her and bent down to pick up the bloody box. His smirk disappeared and his eyes went wide. “Explain. Now.”

Saint snatched the pink box out of his hand, “it’s not for me, God…”

Suddenly Matt’s eyes fixed on me and so did Brian’s browns. I on the other hand squinted my blues on Saint. “Smooth…”

Only at that moment Saint realized what she had done. Took her long enough. “I… I actually don’t know how to explain this in a way that won’t sound stupid…” She rubbed the back of her neck when she sent me an apologetic look.

“Try us,” Brian insisted a frown taking over his face.

Saint opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her off, “She had a dream where I was pregnant. We’re here to test the theory of dreams coming true.” I pushed the corners of my lips up in a second long fake smile.

“I… I actually have nothing to reply to that,” Matt looked just as dumbfounded as I had felt when Saint called me early in the morning.

Brian’s eyes slid down to my stomach, before they fixed down on his wristwatch, “This takes how long exactly?”

“Five minutes tops,” Saint replied with a shrug, “Why? You’re eager to test the theory too?”

“You can say that,” he looked oddly at me. What was going on here?

“Then let’s go inside, Vex,” Suddenly Saint was behind me and ushering me inside their house. What. The. Hell. She pushed the bag in my hands and shoved me in the downstairs bathroom, closing the door on me.

“You know it’s up to me to piss on the bloody stick or not, right?” I shouted at her. “You all can wait there for hours, for all I care!”

“Just get it bloody done!” Saint mocked me from the other side of the door.

I took one of the boxes and read the instructions, before I mused to myself, “this is stupid…”

“Are you done yet?” This time it was Matt’s turn to shout. Impatient bastards.

“How long does it fucking take to piss on a stick?” I heard Brian’s voice just as I unbuckled my belt and let my jeans drop to my ankles. This wasn’t even funny anymore. I felt like I was forced to do something for the entertainment of others.

Just as I placed the plastic thingy on the counter my brain was hit with the thought of ‘what if’… What if I am fucking pregnant? I stopped to look at myself at the big mirror, stepping back a little so I can see my body. My hand pushed up my black tank top up as I turned to see myself from the side. It did in fact look like I had something inside me, which could as well be a mix of Chipotle and Taco Bell’s specials.

I shook the thought away. No. I couldn’t be pregnant. But if I was… Would I tell Brian that I was in fact with his child? Or would I make up a daddy for the kid?

Fuck, why am I even considering this if the pregnancy test tells me—

“Fuck me…” I mused in quiet awe.

Honestly? How much bullshit can one person experience in its lifetime?

Two fucking stripes.

My life is over.

Notes

It just seems like I don't want my characters to live a normal life. :D