2008

With a groan I opened my eyes only to immediately squeeze them shut again. The sunlight streaming through the window was too much to handle. I was so hungover, what the hell happened last night?

I felt the weight of someone else being in bed with and I smiled. At least I’d made it home and into bed with Jimmy. I moved closer, cuddling in his side. When I opened my eyes this time I was horrified. I was looking a body with broad, muscled shoulders and short brown hair instead of a lanky body with black hair. Holy shit.

“Wake up! Matt wake the fuck up!” I cried, shoving against his shoulder.

“Let me sleep, Val,” he groaned.

“Matthew Charles Sanders if you don’t wake your ass up right now I will shove you out of this bed!”

“Wait, you’re not-” He sat up suddenly, his hazel eyes full of confusion. I pulled the sheet around my naked body, barely able to comprehend this. I slept with Matt? Oh fuck, this was not good.

I scrambled out of the bed, just now realizing that it wasn’t the room Jimmy and I shared at all. We were in Matt and Val’s bedroom.

“What did I do?” Matt asked. He had his face buried in his eyes.

I grabbed my clothes that were haphazardly thrown around the room and quickly pulled them on. After throwing the sheet back onto the bed, I began pacing the floor.

“I have no idea. I can’t remember anything after everyone arriving at Brian’s house. I need to get out of here!”

I quickly crossed the room and flung the door open, nearly running into Val. Val, oh no! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Her expression instantly changed from happy to extremely pissed off. Her eyes fell on Matt’s form clothed only in the sheet and she scoffed. Grabbing a handful of my hair, she dragged me to the front door. I landed on my ass on the concrete when she shoved me outside.

“Val it didn’t mean anything! We were both so drunk we can’t even remember!” I screamed and then fell to the ground sobbing uncontrollably. She slammed the door, not giving me a chance to explain.

After I finally managed to calm myself, I walked next door to Brian’s to climb into my car. I cried the whole drive home, what was I going to tell Jimmy? Should I tell Jimmy? The house was dark and quiet when I got there so I assumed Jimmy was asleep. I let myself in and shrieked when I noticed Jimmy sitting in a chair in the entryway.

“Is it true?” he asked, face emotionless. Apparently news travels fast. Val must have texted him right after she threw me out on my ass.

“Jimmy, it’s not what it sounds like!” I walked toward him, reaching out, but he held up a hand to stop me.

“Is it true?” he asked again.

“Y-yes, but-”

He stood and kicked the chair as hard as he could. It slammed into the wall and one of the wooden legs snapped.

“How could you do this to me?” He grabbed his keys and pushed past me without another word. I could do nothing as I stood there and listened to the tires squeal as he sped away.

I leaned against the wall for support, but it didn’t help. I slowly slid down until I was a heap on the floor. How the fuck did this happen?


“Earth to Jerrika,” Zack said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. I shook off the memories and forced a smile.

“Sorry, zoned out,” I muttered.

“We’re here, looks like the weather will hold out too.” He shifted the car into park and opened his door. I steadied myself with a deep breath then climbed out as well.

“I don’t think I can do this,” I said when I saw the small group on the beach. I could make out Brian’s spiked hair and Johnny’s short frame.

“You’ll be fine, I’ll be right beside you the whole time.”

I followed Zack the short distance across the sand and I immediately had several pairs of eyes on me. I could feel them all almost like they were burning through me.

“Jerrika, hey!” Johnny was the first one to break away from the group. He came forward and pulled me into a hug.

“It’s so good to see you,” I said. We walked over to the join the group, Johnny’s arm around my shoulders and Zacky’s around my waist. They gave me that extra little bit of strength I needed to keep going.

“Fucking seriously?” Matt asked loudly. Then he shoved his empty cup into Zack’s chest and stormed away down the beach. Before I even realized what was happening my feet were moving to follow him.

“Jerri wait!” Zack called.

“No, this conversation is nearly two years in the making. I’m going after him.” Zack opened his mouth to speak again but then snapped it shut quickly, deciding to let me do what I had to do. Matt had walked about a hundred yards down the beach and sank down onto the sand.

“Matt, can I talk to you?” His postured stiffened, his only response. “Fine I’ll talk you can sit there and listen.” He didn’t leave so that was a good sign. I sat down a good foot away from him.

“I don’t know why you fucking hate me, I wasn’t the only one at fault for what happened that night. Hell, I don’t even remember that night. Why do I deserve to be treated like this over something I can’t remember?”

He was quiet for several moments. I had almost decided to get up and walk away when he finally spoke. “I lost everything because of that.”

“Matt I lost Jimmy. He was the love of my life. I lost all of you guys. My life was completely changed. At least you got to keep your friends.”

“Things were never the same with me and Jimmy. It was strained, we couldn’t talk the way we used to. Now this. Everything is so fucked up because of that night.”

He groaned and rubbed at his eyes. Despite his best efforts, a few stray tears rolled down his cheeks. I’d never seen him cry before and I bit down on my lip to try to keep myself from falling apart. I gave him a couple of minutes to compose himself before I spoke again.

“Can I ask you why? Why do you hate me?” I asked, staring out over the water. It was the question I’d wanted to ask all this time, but could never bring myself to get in touch with him to ask.

“I don’t hate you, I just needed someone to blame.”

“It was an accident! There was no blame.”

He sighed and ran his fingers through the sand below him. “I have a confession, I remember everything that happened that night. I wasn’t so drunk that I didn't know what was going on, but I did it anyway. I didn’t want to hate myself so I had to hate you.”

I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, he knew what he was doing that night? So many things made sense now. Like why Val left him. I knew her well enough to know she’d never leave him over one mistake.

“If you were sober enough to know what you were doing why did you do it? You could have saved both of us so much heartache.” I was still trying to process this new information. I was feeling a mix of emotions. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry, scream, or murder him.

“Val and I had a huge fight that day, she was texting her ex again. I went to Brian’s party to get wasted and forget about our problems for a while. Then you were all over me, drunk off your ass. I was drunk enough that I wasn’t the best decision maker, but I still made the decision. I could’ve stopped it, but I didn’t. I guess I wanted to get back at her in a big way. I was feeling so guilty afterwards that I came clean with her. Then she left. I haven’t spoken to her since. I’m not proud of it and I completely understand if you never want to speak to me again.”

My mind was racing, turning all of this over, trying to make sense of it. I was pissed. No, I was fucking livid.

“How the fuck could you do something like that? You are the reason I lost the love of my life and now he’s fucking gone forever! Then you spend all this time treating me like absolute shit over something that was all your fault. How can you live with yourself? Fuck you, Matt.”

A noise halfway between and sob and a growl escaped my lips and I was on my feet and running away from him. I couldn’t believe this shit. All this time he’d made me out to be the bad person and it was him all along.

Notes