So Far Away

Neither of us spoke during the taxi ride back. I was too wrapped up in my thoughts to even think of speaking and I’m sure Matt was pretty pissed. I didn’t blame him. He didn’t wait on me when he got out of the car. When I finally got to our room he was lying across his bed with his arm over his eyes.

With a sigh I dropped my bag to the floor and sat down on the edge of his bed. He didn’t move or show any sign that he even knew I was there. “I’m sorry for how I acted earlier.” Still nothing from him. “There’s a perfectly good explanation, but I can’t tell you.”

“Wow you really cleared things up.”

“Okay I know I deserve that, but I am really sorry. Something happened a long time ago and the thought that I was going to crash down into that water brought up some bad memories. Stuff that I don’t like to think about so I freaked. I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have. There’s no way you could have known.”

Matt finally moved his arm and looked at me. “Known what? If it’s something that bothers you that much shouldn’t you talk to someone?”

“What, like a therapist? My parents forced me to go to therapy for years but no amount of talking about it can make me forget what happened that day.” I had to squeeze my eyes closed to keep myself together. I felt like if I said one wrong word I’d completely fall apart.

“You can talk to me, Jerrika. I’m not gonna go blab your personal stuff to the guys or anything. What happens in Hawaii, stays in Hawaii.”

“Why are you being so nice to me? I was just a complete bitch to you for no good reason and now you want to help me?”

“I can tell something is off with you. Plus, we built this friendship on shaky enough ground, being an ass just to get back at you would only make it more unsteady.” It threw me off guard a little to hear his words. Obviously I knew he wanted to be on friendlier terms with me again but I guess I didn't realize how serious he actually was about it. Maybe it was time to trust him.

With a sigh, I stretched out next to Matt on the bed, staring at the ceiling because I knew seeing the pity in his eyes would make this harder to say out loud. “Other than my family, Jimmy is the only one I ever told. I knew that people would never be able to look at me and not see a terrified little girl instead of who I am now.” I paused to take a deep breath then launched into my story without thinking too much more about it. “So my parents, David and Sarah, aren’t my biological parents. My biological parents were killed in a car accident when I was five. I had a dance recital that day and it had started raining on the way back home. The car hydroplaned and rolled down a steep embankment and into a river. It put my mom’s head through the windshield, they said she was probably dead before the car even landed in the water. My dad managed to get me out of the car and to the bank before the current pulled him under. He sacrificed his life to save mine. The only family I had left didn’t want to take care of me but David and Sarah were friends of my mom and dad’s and they took me in. But that’s why I freaked out so badly when I thought I was about to be sent into a watery grave just like my dad.”

Matt had rolled to his side and propped himself up with his arm while I speaking. He looked down on me with a sad expression on his face. “Shit, I’m sorry for putting you in that position and causing all those memories to flood in.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, honestly. You didn’t know.”

He stared at me silently for long enough that I was starting to feel awkward. “What?”

“I was just thinking about how amazing you are. You’ve been carrying that around with you for so long but no one could tell. You’ve always seemed so happy, except for recently of course. You’re so strong.”

“I’ve always told myself that since my dad gave up his life for me I needed to live my life to the fullest. I couldn’t bear the thought of wasting my life being depressed and not enjoying the gift he gave me. These last two years have been made harder by the fact that I wasn’t doing anything with my life. I would go to work then go home. I didn’t have any friends and I never went out. Moving back to Huntington Beach was the first thing I had done in a long time that made me feel like I was really living again.”

“I can’t believe I did what I did to you. On top of everything else you’ve been through, I just added more shit on top of it.”

“It’s forgiven, Matt. You don’t have to worry about that anymore.” He took me by surprise when he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me against him.

“I’m glad you felt like you could be open with me like this. I’m here if you ever need to talk about anything, I don’t care if we’re back home and it’s four in the morning. Don’t ever feel like you don’t have someone to help you through anything.”

Surprising even myself, I leaned forward and placed a kiss on Matt’s cheek. “Thanks for listening. Now let’s go get some food so this day wasn’t a complete waste.”

-x-

“Look at this one! It’s perfect!” I yelled a little too loudly for this hour of the night. Matt walked over and I proudly held up the seashell I’d just found.

“You seem different tonight,” he said with amusement as I shrieked and went after the shell I’d just spotted at the water’s edge with a flashlight. I scooped it up and realized half of it was broken off so I tossed it back into the water.

“I feel different, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Talking with you earlier today helped me a lot more than I realized it would.”

“Good. You think we should head back? I’m feeling a little tired.”

“Sure,” I agreed and picked my shoes up from the sand. The walk back passed in silence, but it was a comfortable, peaceful silence. This vacation was proving to be exactly what I needed to recharge.

When we made it back to our room I got changed into pajamas and when I emerged from the bathroom Matt was lying in my bed. “I just thought we’d try this sleeping arrangement again to see if it really helps.”

“Okay,” I said simply. Something about it felt too intimate tonight but I didn’t know how to voice that concern without embarrassing myself so I climbed in next to him. I didn’t realize how tired I actually was until my head hit the pillow. I barely had time to hope I didn’t snore before drifting off to sleep.


Jimmy was standing in front of me, staring at me with a strange expression on his face. “I want to be surprised that Matt chose you to sleep with that night, but I’m not.”

“Please don’t hate me!” I shrieked as tears burned my eyes.

“Shh I don’t hate you, I could never hate you.” He held up his arms and I walked into them, smiling in his embrace. “But I’m not surprised because he’s always liked you, since the day he met you.”

“What are you talking about? No he hasn’t.”

“Yes, he has.”

“Why are you telling me this?

Jimmy took a step back so I could see his face, he was smiling. I swear I sensed a bit of sadness, but he was smiling. “It’s okay,” he whispered.

I raise an eyebrow in confusion. “What is?”

“It’s okay to move on. I love you and I always will but it’s okay. You’re too young and too beautiful to waste anymore time on me.”

“Move on? Jimmy, wait! You can’t leave me!”

“It’s okay,” he whispered a final time before disappearing and leaving me standing on the deserted beach alone.

Notes