Forever is Right Now

Brian and I arrived at Zacky’s house about an hour after we got the call; it took us a little bit to get settled down enough to where we could call Matt and Simone; then it took a little bit longer before we were able to drive. Brian, I could tell had shut down his emotions. He was trying to be the strong one, knowing that Zacky would need it.

Brian told me that Zacky had been the one to find Jimmy after going over to grab some stuff for the studio. He called 911 immediately, but it was too late. Jimmy had been gone for awhile when Zack found him. I stared out the window trying to remember that he’d want us to celebrate his life, not cry over the loss, but it was so hard.

Brian and I had immediately decided to postpone the wedding, we hadn’t reset the date, but we alerted our wedding planner and she was making the calls as we drove. We got to Zacky’s and the guys were standing outside, all of them had their aviators to hide their red puffy eyes. I immediately hugged Zacky who broke down in tears further. I tried to comfort him stroking his hair, he kept mumbling how he should have gone over earlier in the day.

When he finally let go of me, he swiped at his face and then lit up a cigarette and I turned to Johnny hugging him. He and Jimmy may not have always gotten along, but they loved each other as brothers. Nothing could ever hinder their friendship. When I got to Matt, he reached up and wiped my cheeks clear from my tear tracks. I hadn’t even realized I’d been crying. I’d gone numb, trying to put up a wall.

“Hey, you okay?” Matt asked me and hugged me tightly. That’s all it took for that wall to break down and I immediately began bawling into Matt’s chest as he held me tightly. “Shh…I know baby…” He said trying to stay strong for me. Simone was in Brian’s arms in a similar fashion, both of them crying.

I pulled away slightly, “He told me he’d see me today. We talked last night. He-“ I had to stop talking as more tears threatened to spill over. “Did they say what happened?” The cops weren’t telling Johnny anything when he talked to Brian, except that it looked like an overdose.

Matt nodded solemnly, “He accidentally mixed prescripts with alcohol. It caused cardiac arrest.” I shook my head angrily and Matt hugged me close again, not letting me pull away. Finally I gave in and held him tightly to me. “I know,” he whispered in my ear and kissed my temple. I held Matt to me like there was no tomorrow. He was my brother and while I knew I should be comforting Brian, I just…needed someone who would focus on me right then and there.

Jimmy was everyone’s best friend, he was supposed to be the best man at our wedding, strictly because he was our best friend. He would do anything for me, make me laugh when I was sad. Protected me from Scott. Talked to me until I came out of a coma and then kept all his promises. He even lied to Matt for Brian and me when we started dating. He was the only guy I’d ever allow to go get tampons with me because he wouldn’t embarrass me by asking stupid questions. He knew all my secrets. I knew everything about him, every time he had to crash somewhere else for one reason or another, always took me on his crazy adventures. I knew him better than most of the other guys.

After a few moments, Matt had decided I was stable enough to pull away from his grasp and I made my way back over to Brian and hugged him tightly again. I cuddled into his side, knowing he was the only other person that knew everything besides Jimmy and Matt. Brian tucked me to him, protectively as he smoked a cigarette. I grabbed one from his pack and he held the lighter out for me. I lit up and immediately Matt stared at me in disbelief but let it go. He knew better than to start a yelling match with me when I was this wound up.

As the day drifted on, we would move in and out of Zacky’s house. Brian’s parents brought over food for everyone and sat and chatted. We talked about the good memories but it hadn’t set in yet. We kept expecting Jimmy to walk through the door any moment; but that moment never came. We had always said we would spend forever together as friends, we’d grow old and scare stallion ducks and kiddos off our lawn. But it’s true. Forever can be a moment. It isn’t necessarily a life time. Forever gets taken for granted so often, no one ever realizes that forever is right now until it’s too late. Until something like this happens. Something unthinkable, something vile, something wrong. Jimmy was only 28, he shouldn’t have even been close to leaving us.

I went out to the back deck of Zack’s, next to the pool where we had the fire pit going. I sat in a lawn chair, crossed my legs and was laying somewhat on my side reclined. Hands in my pockets, the night air was cool. I stared into the fire for what seemed like hours. Just remembering my friend, my new angel watching over me. Watching over us, someone that would stay close to us, just to make sure that we didn’t let the darkness of this sadness over power us.

“Hey,” Zacky said as he came out the back door. I jumped having been lost in thought.

“Hey,” I said softly and wiped my eyes, the tears weren’t stopping. No matter how hard I tried to put up that wall, to become numb again, I couldn’t.

Zacky noticed I was shivering and brought me a throw blanket that was in a little storage container that was concealed as a porch bench. He threw it over me, making sure that I could snuggle into it and then sat next to me.

“Where’s Brian?” I asked as I cuddled up to Zacky, resting my head on his shoulder and staring back into the fire.

“Brian…he’s with Senior. He’s a bit drunk, Senior and Suzy wanna take him home with them for the night. They said you were welcome to come too, but we didn’t know where you were. They left about 15 minutes ago,” he said and wrapped an arm around me.

“I’m sorry you found him like that Zacky,” I whispered, fighting back tears.

He nodded, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there sooner.”

“It wasn’t your fault Zack…the way I hear it, even 2 hours wouldn’t have made a dent,” I pulled the blanket up and over him so that we were both under it.

He nodded, “I know, but I feel like there should have been something I could have done.”

I nodded, “Me too.”

We sat there for awhile until we heard the screen door open and out walked Matt and Simone, “Hey…we’re gonna take off. Johnny’s wasted and needs someone to watch out for him. Are you staying here for tonight or going to Seniors?” Matt asked the last part to me.

I looked up at Zacky, “I really don’t want to wake up to vomiting noises tonight and I really don’t want to sleep alone.”

He nodded then looked at my brother, “She’s gonna stay with me. Make sure Johnny’s alright, yeah?”

Matt nodded and they hugged me tightly, then added Zacky making it a group hug. Simone had handled the stress fairly well for having pregnancy hormones and I applauded her, Matt had just told me yesterday that she cussed him out for not putting something in its normal spot. I couldn’t help but laugh when he told me that. “Call if you guys need anything.” He stared me down, “I mean, anything.”

I nodded and kissed his cheek, “Go take care of Johnny. I’m good here.”

Matt gave us one more nod then turned around and walked in to pick up a passed out Johnny. Simone opened doors so that they could get him out without his head bouncing off the walls. After we heard their car take off, I sighed and sat back down on the chair which was more like a swing. Zacky joined me and we sat there for about an hour longer, not really speaking, just watching the flames dance.

“I keep waiting for the nightmare to end, for me to wake up,” I whispered.

“Unfortunately, this is our worst nightmare come to life,” Zacky admitted and then stood. “We should try to get some sleep. It’s gonna be a busy few days.”

I nodded and stood up next to him as he dumped some water over the remaining coals to make sure the fire was out before we headed in the house. We locked every door, every window and made our way upstairs into Zacky’s room. He threw me a pair of his shorts and a t-shirt before sending me in the bathroom to change. When I came back, he was settling into bed, wearing nothing but gym shorts. I crawled in the California King sized bed with him and cuddled up to him.

He rolled me onto my side, facing away from him and wrapped a secure, protective arm around my waist. Slowly the darkness over took me and I fell asleep in the arms of my friend.

Notes

Sorry it's short tonight guys, I ended up crying while writing this which completely exhausted me. Promise a longer update tomorrow.