It was barely light outside when I woke. The first thought through my head was how bad my body hurt. The muscles down my back, in my shoulders, and my stomach were stiff and painful. The back of my throat burned. My eyes were dry, my mouth was dry. I felt like I had been beaten with a baseball bat and then ran over with a truck.

My second thought hurt even worse than my body. I failed again. Two suicide attempts in less than a year and I failed both times. I felt tears well up and I closed my eyes again. I would just have to try again, but this time I wouldn’t fail. I’d use Eli’s gun. He would be home in a few hours and I would try again.

I opened my eyes and took a deep breath before wiping my eyes. It’s only now that I realize my arms are bandaged. Upon further inspection, I notice the weight beside me and the arm around my waist. I got a funny feeling in my chest when I saw him. I don’t know if it was shock or fear or disappointment. It might have even been excitement. As soon as I touched Zack’s wrist, he jumped awake.

“Are you okay? I wasn’t sleeping, I was just…shit, it’s daylight already?” He’s already sitting up in bed.

I shake my head. “Zack, what are you doing here?”

“I was worried about you, so I came to check on you,” he answers. “And I'm glad I did, Sheridan, what the hell were you thinking?”

I couldn’t answer him. He wouldn’t understand, and even if he did, I didn’t want to tell him. Instead, I looked down at my bandaged arms and begin picking at the band-aid. Zack wasn’t letting up though and finally, I answered him. “I have a lot going on,” I mumbled.

“You have a lot going on? Sheridan, we all have a lot going on. That doesn’t mean you give up and kill yourself.” He tells me, his voice breaking on the last two words.

For the first time in weeks, I look directly at him. My eyes meet his and I notice how puffy his eyes were. Were they from exhaustion or had he been crying? “You wouldn’t understand, Zack.”

Zack gets off the bed and I think he’s going to leave, but he just paces to my bedroom door, which he closes and then walks back to the bed. He doesn’t sit down. “I know Gena lied about what happened. I don’t know what really happened, but I know she lied and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.”

“It’s not…it’s not just that. I have more going on than just that,” I tell him.

“Well then, tell me. Tell me and we’ll get through this. We have to get through this. I can’t walk in on what I saw last night again. I love you. I love you and I can’t…I can’t lose you. So please, talk to me and tell me what to fix.”

I could almost laugh. “You saw it, didn’t you? And now you think, you think telling me that you love me is going to fix this? Fix me? That’s not how it works. You can’t just read something and use it against me.”

“Read what? What are you talking about?” Zack asks.

I point to my journal which now rests on the table beside my bed, closed. “My journal! My…my suicide note!”

“I didn’t read that! I was too busy preventing your suicide! I only saw enough to know what you did. After that, I…panicked. I just wanted to save you.” He sounded absolutely defeated.

“I didn’t want saving, Zack.”

“I know.”

Tears threatened to fall. “You don’t want me.” It wasn’t an accusation, but I statement.

Zack sits back down on the bed and takes my hand. “Yes, I do.”

I jerk my hand away and shake my head. This time tears fall down my face, I wipe them away quickly, but they’re swiftly replaced with more. “No, Zack, you don’t. I’m broken, okay? I’m broken and I’m a mess and…please, go home.” I

“I’m not going anywhere. We’re all a little fucked up. Please, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.” Zack's hand twitches and I know he wants to touch me, but he refrains.

“I can’t, Zack.”

“Sheridan, believe me when I say I’m not going anywhere. No matter how bad it is, no matter what. I want to know everything you’re scared of telling me.”

I stared at him. I could tell him. A part of me wanted to tell him. God, I was terrified though. What if I told him and he left again? What if he thought I was a freak or something worse? If I was going to tell him, I was going to tell him everything. If he does stay after hearing how fucked up I am, there shouldn’t be a need for the “oh yeah I didn’t tell you everything” talk a few months or years down the road. But how am I supposed to tell him a year ago I would sleep with anyone for a couple of pills and now I'm terrified of being touched in the wrong way. How am I supposed to tell him that I spent time in a treatment center because this isn’t the first time I tried to kill myself? How am I supposed to tell him about everything Eli does to me?

“Alright. I’ll tell you,” I tell him. I wait for him to reply but he only nods. “I’m going to tell you everything, more about my past so you can understand the person I was before I came here.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” I take a deep breath. “The person I was a year ago was…a partier, I guess you could say. It all started a few years ago when I felt forgotten by my mom. I just kind of fell off the wagon. Before that I was an Honor Roll student, my dad had plans with me going to an Ivy League school…and I was okay with those plans because I wanted to make him proud. But then things got messy and I was constantly smoking pot, doing ecstasy…which was my favourite out of all the drugs I could get my hands on. I tried coke once…I didn’t care for it. The problem got so bad I would sleep with someone just to get my hands on something. I was severely depressed. I was cutting myself, but I didn’t really have the guts to actually kill myself…until one day.”

At this point, I was picking at my cuticles, keeping my eyes adverted from Zack's. I didn’t know if he was looking at me or not; I couldn’t bring myself to look. “On my seventeenth birthday, I was admitted to a treatment center for six weeks. The first few weeks were rough, but I was doing good. I started journaling instead of cutting. By the end of the six weeks, I was confident that things were going to go back to normal. I was ready to go home and get my life back on track…but then, the day I got out my world was flipped upside down again and…” I stopped, unable to continue.

“That’s when your dad was killed,” Zack finished for me.

I nodded. “It’s my fault. If he wasn’t coming to pick me up, he wouldn’t have stopped to get gas and he would still be here.”

“Sheridan, look at me,” Zack quietly demanded. I hesitated, but slowly lifted my head up until my eyes met his. “You can’t think like that. There was nothing you could have done. You didn’t kill him, the guy with the gun did.”

I nodded, waited a moment and then cleared my throat and continued. “I moved here right after the funeral. Um…I had lived here for six days the uh…the first time Eli…he…the first time he…” Tears began to roll down my face and I couldn’t tell if it was out of embarrassment or frustration.

“The first time he hit you?” Zack offered.

I wished it was that simple. I was tempted to tell him it was, but I didn’t want to lie to him. I didn’t want him to find out the truth later. “No, he didn’t hit me that night…that came later. He…he…ra…He…raped…m-me…”

The air in the room shifted. My eyes remained glued to Zack's hand in mine. He didn’t move.
He didn’t speak; I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. After what felt like years, Zack slowly got off the bed and walked to my bedroom door. It a quick movement, he threw the door open and disappeared from view. That was it. That was all he could take and now he’s gone again. I told him too much and he left like I thought he would.

I felt numb again. I shifted on the bed, preparing to lay down when Zack stormed back into the room. “Where the fuck is he?”

“What?”

Zack paces back and forth, in and out of the room. “Eli! Where is he?! I’m going to fuckin’…he…I…”

“Zack…”

He shakes his head. “No. Do not try to calm me down right now. I’m going to fuckin’ kill him. It’s bad enough that he put his hands on you in a violent way but…he fuckin’…God, Sheridan. Why didn’t you tell someone? Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve just been letting you stay here with him. And he’s been…forcing himself on you? Fuck, I’m such a dick. This is why you pull away from me every time we get close to having sex…I…”

“Zack, I’m sorry.”

Zack stops pacing and looks at me. His face softens, and he approaches me, sitting back on the bed. “You have nothing to apologize for, you hear me? I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m going to kill him. You don’t have to be scared anymore because I’m going to kill him.”

“Zack…”

“I’m so sorry, Sheridan. I’m so, so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Zack. It’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done.”

Zack bites his lip. “You said it was the first time it happened…which means it’s happened more than once. I’m not going to ask you how many times it happened but Sheridan, I need to know why you didn’t go to the police. Did he threaten you? Did you just not have someone to go with you?”

“I did go,” I told him. “When I found out Gena was dating him, I left school early and told the first cop I saw what happened. The thing is, Eli’s a cop and, apparently, the police department is full of crooked cops. The first cop I saw turned out to be Eli’s partner who called Eli as soon as I filled out my report. Eli came and picked me up and well…” I trail off.

Zack doesn’t say anything. I don’t know when he grabbed it, but my hand is in his again and he’s tracing small circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. I glance at his free hand that’s resting on his knee. I allow my eyes to travel up his arm and to his shoulders. I could tell he was tense but trying to hide it.

“Anyway, I came home the other day and Eli and Gena were arguing. I thought about intervening but decided to come to my room instead. A few minutes later I heard her cry out. By the time I got to his room, Eli was already on top of her, hitting her. I tried to push him off but he just shoved me aside. I tried again and finally got his attention on me. I told Gena to leave and she did…I don’t know why she would lie…”

“Fuck…I’m such a dick,” Zack shakes his head.

“It’s okay,” I tell him.

He shakes his head more aggressively. “No, it’s not. I should have believed you. I knew there was something off about her story but I…I don’t know why I acted the way that I did. You didn’t deserve it and trust me I’ll take care of it. I’ll make sure everyone knows the truth…and Gena…she won’t come near you ever again. As for Eli…”

There’s a slam in the living room followed by heavy footsteps. Eli was home. Zack heard it too and he was off the bed and out of the room before I even exhaled the breath I was holding. There was a crash followed by “What the fuck is your problem?”

I wanted to get off the bed, run in and pull Zack away from whatever he was getting himself into but I couldn’t move. I knew Zack was set on killing Eli but Zack didn’t realize what Eli was capable of. Eli was a police officer. If he was still in his uniform, he had all sorts of weapons on him. Even if he wasn’t wearing his uniform he still had the weapons with him!
I jumped up and ran into the living room. Eli wasn’t wearing his uniform and didn’t have his gun in his hand so that was a good sign. He was on top of Zack though, whose shirt was ripped, but Zack was able to push Eli off him and throw his fist again.

“Zack, stop,” I choked out.

He wasn’t listening. There was nothing I could do but let them fight it out. I couldn’t tell who was winning. Eli was bigger than Zack but Zack was angrier than I had ever seen him.
“I’m a fucking police officer. I will have your ass thrown in jail in a heartbeat,” Eli yelled, pushing Zack up against the wall.

Zack laughed. “I wonder who will spend more time in jail. Me or the police officer who rapes his fucking sister!” Zack throws another punch and Eli staggers backward.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Eli says. His eyes find me and he takes an immediate step in my direction. “You fucking slut, what have you told him?”

I take a step backward but hit a wall. Eli raises his fist but before he can swing, Zack tackles him and they fall into the coffee table. It was like a scene out of a movie.

“You will never fucking touch her again, do you understand me?” Zack yells as he hits Eli over and over again. “Sheridan, go get some of your things. We can come back and get more later.”

“W-what?”

“Just do it!” He yelled as Eli attempted to push Zack off him.

I didn’t know what was going on, but I did as I was told. I ran into my room and grabbed whatever I could get my hands on and shoved it into a duffel bag. When I could no longer carry anything else, I returned back to the living room. Zack and Eli were no longer fighting but neither one of them took their eyes off the other.

“Come on, let’s go…” Zack told me, grabbing my hand.

Eli laughed. “Expect the police to be at your front door, Baker.”

Zack didn’t reply as he led me to the door. I paused, turning to face Eli knowing this wasn’t going to end well. Eli wanted to say something, but for whatever reason, he didn’t. Instead, he stared me down and I knew I would regret this if he ever got me alone again.

Zack slams the door shut behind us. Without saying a word, he grabs my duffel bag from my hand and leads me down the street. We get a block away before he stops and turns to me, sitting the bag down at our feet.

“Are you okay?” he asks me.

I nod. “I should be asking you that. You’re covered in blood. Is anything broken? Should we go to the hospital?”

“What? No, no. I’m fine. My hand hurts a little but it’s fine,” he starts shaking his left hand.

“Zack, that’s your dominant hand! That’s your guitar hand. What if it’s damaged?” I ask,
beginning to panic.

“Babe, my hand is fine,” he gives me a small smile. “I’m just worried about you right now.”

I nod and attempt to compose myself. “Zack, I don’t have anywhere to go. What am I doing?”

Zack pursed his lips together. “I know. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t leave you there and I couldn’t stay there because I was going to kill him. I will figure something out, I promise.”

“Okay,” I nod and Zack kisses the top of my head before bending down and grabbing the duffel and we continue down the street.

Notes

Thank you so much for reading! I can't believe this story is almost over (Chapter 30 is the last). Don't forget to leave some feedback.

Title Credit: She Wants Revenge "Checking Out" (altered line)