Thank God it was Friday. I couldn’t wait to go home and get some sleep. Matt, Brian and I pulled an all-nighter last night finalizing another song to maybe add to the demo. I was tempted to stay home today, but I knew I had to come to school. Sheridan hasn’t been to school or work since I broke up with her. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. Sheridan didn’t miss school for anything and she hasn’t been here in two weeks. So, that’s why I came to school, in case she came in. She didn’t.

When the bell rings, I grab my things and head out the door. I meet the group outside in our usual spot. I pull out a cigarette, glance around for any teachers, and then light it and tuck it between my lips. “Did you guys see Sheridan today?” I ask.

Michelle and Val both scoff. “She better be glad I haven’t seen her,” Val says just as Michelle says, “I’ll beat her ass the next time I see her.”

They were still pissed off about the fight Gena and Sheridan got into. Their anger was completely understandable, but something about the fight didn’t sit well with me. I ignored it, though and took another drag off my cigarette.

“You should go see her,” Gena quietly says. All eyes, including mine, snap in her direction.
She was leaning against the building, still in pain due to her cracked ribs. Her nose was reset and most of the swelling had gone down and her parents made her an appointment to fix her chipped tooth as soon as they could.

“I should?” I ask her, cocking my brow. She doesn’t say anything, but I accept the nod she gives me and take off immediately. The fact that Gena gave me permission to see Sheridan was a red flag. Gena hated Sheridan before they got into that so-called fight, so there was no reason whatsoever why she would be okay with me talking to Sheridan right now. Unless she was feeling guilty.

God, I was an asshole. I knew Sheridan. I knew she wasn’t malicious or violent. Still, I accused her of freaking out…I brought up that night she decided to undress me and then change her mind about sex. God, I was an asshole!

I thought about stopping and getting her flowers or her favourite candy, but I didn’t want to butter her up before I apologized. She deserved something real; she probably won’t even want to talk to me. I had to try.

Eli’s car isn’t in the driveway when I get to their house. As I make my way up to their door, I wonder if what Sheridan told me was true. Did he hit her? If he did, he was smart about it by hitting her where no one could see, by being a police officer. I wonder if that’s why she’d always run away from me when I tried to take off her clothes. She didn’t want me to see the bruises.

Sheridan doesn’t answer the door when I knock. I knock again, but she still doesn’t answer. “Sheridan, it’s me.”

There’s still no answer and I think about leaving, but my feet wouldn’t move. Instead, I reach out for the door handle and turn it. Surprisingly, it opens.

There are no lights on inside the house, but I walk back to Sheridan’s room anyway. Her curtain is open and the California sun pours into her window and across her floor. She’s sleeping in her bed. Again, I’m tempted to leave and let her sleep, but there was no denying the ache in my body. I wanted to hold her, to run my lips against her shoulder. I missed her.

She fell asleep writing in what look like a journal. I picked it up, attempting to avert my eyes from her handwriting; her privacy but my eyes landed on a sentence that made my heart drop.



I dropped the journal and began shaking her awake. Awake because she was only sleeping, she didn’t try to kill herself. She couldn’t have. Her body is still warm but there’s no visible sign of life. “Sheridan! Sheridan!” I put my ear to her chest. Breathing was shallow, and her heartbeat was faint but it was there.

“What did you do?! What did you do?!”

I didn’t know who long she had been down and didn’t know if an ambulance would make it in time. After further inspection, I noticed several long cuts on her arms, some older than others but none were deep enough to cause her to pass out like this. It had to be an overdose. I pulled her off the bed and half-carried/half-dragged her to the bathroom. I stepped into the bathtub and pulled her in with me. I turned on the shower with warm water and then sat down, pulling her into my lap. I tapped her face a few times, hoping she would wake up but to no avail. Without thinking, I stuck my fingers down her throat. She began to gag and I rolled her forward, still holding her in my arms, as she vomited into the bathtub. I rubbed her back, whispering to her as the water washed away most of the vomit. “Wake up, Sheridan. God, please wake up. Don’t do this. I love you, please don’t do this. Wake up.”

When she was done, I stuck my fingers back down her throat and repeated the process until nothing else came up. Her eyes fluttered open and I felt like I could cry. “Sheridan, are you okay?”

“Z-Zack?” She whispered.

“Hey,” I tried to smile back. “You’re going to be okay. I’m just going to clean you up a bit okay?”

She nodded and I stood up, stepped out of the shower and kneeled back down. First, I washed the vomit out of her hair and then conditioned it. I wanted to give her a full bath but didn’t want to scare her or freak her out by removing her clothes, so instead, I washed the only skin that was visible.

When I was done cleaning the vomit off her, I helped her stand up and get out of the shower. After wrapping a towel around her fully clothed body, we walked to her bedroom and I sat her down on her bed.

Sheridan didn’t say anything and I didn’t know what to say to her as I searched her drawers for clean, dry clothes to wear. Finally, I found something I’ve seen her wear before and put it on the bed beside her. She was staring at the floor.

“Sheridan, do you think you can put these clothes on?” I ask her. She nods but doesn’t move. “Okay, good. I’m going to go make a phone call real quick, I’ll be right back, okay?”
She gives me no response so I hesitate, but eventually run out of the room and to the phone.
I dial Brian’s phone number, his stepmom picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hi, Suzy, it’s Zack. Is Brian around?” I try to keep my voice as calm as possible.

“Not a problem, Zack. He’s just playing guitar with his father. One moment.”

The one moment felt like ages. Finally, Brian answers the phone. “Hey, what’s up?”

“I need you to bring me some clothes. To Sheridan’s,” I tell him.

“What?” Brian asks. “Why?”

I sigh. “I can’t explain right now. Just…please. Just a shirt and some gym shorts.”

“Um, okay. I’ll be there in a minute I guess,” he tells me and I hang up and rush back to Sheridan’s room.

She’s still sitting on her bed, the towel wrapped around her and her drenched clothes.
“Baby,” I coo, kneeling down beside her, “you have to change, okay? You can’t stay in these wet clothes. You’re going to get sick. Come on, I can help you if you want.”

“I failed again…” It was quiet. I think if I was another inch away from her I wouldn’t have heard it.

“You…failed?” I ask. I wait for a response, but she doesn’t reply. “Okay, let’s just get you out of these clothes first, okay?”

Again, she doesn’t reply. I nibble at my lip and slowly begin to unravel the towel. I drop it into a pile on the floor and timidly begin to pull her shirt up over her head. I drop it onto the towel. I stand and pull her into a standing position too, then I gently tug her shorts from her hips. They fall into a pile at her feet but she doesn’t move to step out of them so I manually move them for her.

I didn’t know what to do next. Sheridan still wore her bra and panties but I wasn’t sure if she felt comfortable with me removing them. This was the most I’ve seen of Sheridan, I didn’t want to see more of her – not like this, anyway. There was a knock at the door. I sat Sheridan back down on the bed. “I’ll be back. You can finish getting dressed if you feel up to it. If not, I’ll help when I get back.”

I took a deep breath, composed myself and I opened the door. “Thanks,” I told Brian, taking the clothes from him.

“Dude, what the hell? You’re soaked,” Brian asked.

I shook my head. “I can’t explain, and I have to get back to her. I’ll try to explain later. Thanks for bringing these.” I closed the door before he could reply and walked back to Sheridan’s room. She still sat in her underwear.

I had a plan so I could get her undressed without completely invading her privacy. I walked to her closet and pulled a different, longer shirt than the one I already had out, then approached her. I gently slide the shirt over her head and pull her arms through their respective holes. The shirt went down to her midthigh. Then, I reached down through the neck hole from behind and unclasped her bra.

“You know, I saw Val and Michelle do something like this once with their bathing suit tops,” I told her. I pulled her arm out of the bra strap. “They wanted to get out of their wet bathing suits but they were too lazy to go to the bathroom, so this is how they got undressed without anyone seeing them naked.” I pulled her other arm from her bra strap and then pulled her bra out of the shirts armhole.

I pulled her into a standing position and steadied her. “I need to change your underwear to some dry ones.” I waited for her to reply but it never came. She hasn’t even made eye contact with me since the moment she woke up. I kneeled back down in front of her and cautiously began to reach for her underwear. I kept my eyes on hers as I pulled them down and then put the new ones on her. After that, I pulled a pair of sweats on her.

“Okay,” I said more to myself than to her. “Okay, I’m going to go get out of my wet clothes.” I grab them from the bed and the wet clothes from the floor and walk into the bathroom. After tossing Sheridan’s wet clothes into the dirty hamper, I strip and throw mine in there as well. Then I get dressed.

Before walking out of the bathroom, I take a deep breath. I wanted to break down, it’s been a long time since I wanted to cry, since I’ve wanted to break down. Sheridan tried to kill herself. She actually thought she had no other option than to swallow pills and end her life. This was my fault. I didn’t listen to her when she told me she didn’t hurt Gena, I didn’t listen to her when she told me Eli hurt her. She obviously had secrets and I wasn’t there when she wanted to tell them. I knew it was weird for her to miss out on school and it took me two weeks to come check on her.

I slam my hand down on the sink. It instantly began throbbing and I took another deep breath. I had to go back out there. I didn’t want to; it killed me to see her like this. “Fuck, pull yourself together,” I mumble to myself, wiping my eyes dry. I count to ten, and then grab Sheridan’s brush off the sink and head out of the bathroom.

When I enter her bedroom again, she’s still sitting in the same spot. “Let’s get your hair brushed,” I suggest, crawling into the bed behind her and pulling her closer to my lap. It was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay.

Notes

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Title credit: Between the Trees “The Way She Feels”

Just a little reminder that this is for entertainment purposes only. If you or a loved one overdose, you should never force them to throw up and/or let them fall asleep. Instead, call an ambulance immediately.