Spencer

I stare at my hands, wring them, pick at my cuticles and rub them against my jeans. The nervousness inside me was unlike anything I've ever felt before in my entire life. I was absolutely terrified I wasn't doing the right thing. I was even more terrified that I was. I take a deep breath and click on the home button, revealing the time. He's late. Typical.

The park is pretty empty today due to school being in session. The emptiness doesn't allow for any distractions and so Zack crosses my mind, and then Matt. I wonder if this is how my life is going to be from here on out; if things will ever return to normal. God, that's all I wanted. I just didn't know what normal meant anymore.

“Hey, sorry I'm late,” a voice pipes up on my left. It's quieter than usual and not full of bouncing energy like I've gotten used to over the years. I don't blame him, I don't have an ounce of energy in me either. Both of our lives were about to change and whether it was for the better or not, I don't know if anyone knew. One part of me knew this is what was best and the other part of me, well…

“It's fine,” I stand and give him a warm smile. He pulls me into a hug and holds me there for a long moment.

“Everyone is worried about you, little bird,” Jimmy sighs as we part.

“How are they doing?” I ask him.

Jimmy answers with a shrug. “As one should expect. You just left them there, Spencer. They're devastated, confused, angry.”

I nod and take my seat on the park bench. He was right. That day, I just left. I stood there – with Matt on one side of me and Zack on the other – for what felt like eons before I remembered my keys in my hand. After that realization, my feet began moving before my brain could process what was going on. It was a shitty thing to do, but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't give either of them the answer they deserved. So I ran. In an attempt to not hurt either one of them, I hurt them both. I wasn't thinking about that at the moment; I just wanted to protect them.

My chest aches and every inch of me wants to cry, but I'm all cried out. Every muscle is sore from all the sobbing and wailing. I just wanted to go back. I just wanted things to go back to how they were.

Jimmy sits next to me on the bench but doesn’t say a word. We both remain quiet for a long time and then finally, I'm able to stop my chest from caving in and I speak.

“Do you think I'm doing the right thing?” I ask him, looking at his face searching for the right answer.

“I don't think this is as simple as right and wrong,” he tells me quietly. “There's many shades of grey in that grey area.”

I sigh. “I'm so stupid. I should have never –”

“Should have never what?” Jimmy interrupts. “You are many things but stupid isn't one of them, little bird. You fell in love and then you fell in love again. Some people never get the chance to fall in love once, let alone twice. And, you know, you'll probably fall in love again and that's okay.”

“I never expected to fall in love with Matt. We were best friends, you know. He was my go-to guy, someone that cheered me up in the mess I made with Zack. And then…it’s like, one day I woke up and…” I trail off.

Jimmy nods. “It happens.”

“And Zack…I never knew true love until him. I never understood that consuming can't-live-without-you love until him,” I admit. Jimmy nods but doesn't reply, so I continue. “I love them both so fucking much, that's the only reason why I'm doing this. This isn’t about me, this is about them and their friendship. I can't let anything happen to that. They're brothers and even though one might eventually accept if I chose –” I hated the way that word sounded, “– the other, things would never be the same. Not between me and them and definitely not between each other. There will be a Grand Canyon sized trench in their friendship that would never be fixed. I can't let that happen. I love them too much and that's not even in a romantic way.” I feel my throat starts to clench as the next words find my lips. “I won't be coming back. Ever.”

Jimmy is silent and I can't bare look at him. The tears that I thought were dried up begin to blur my vision. “Once I saw a little bird come hop, hop, hop. So I cried, ‘little bird, will you stop, stop, stop?’ and was going to the window to say, ‘How do you do?’ but he shook his little tail and away he flew.”

I recognized the poem, it's where Jimmy got his little nickname for me many years ago. He never told me why he started calling me that, it just kind of stuck one day. After a moment, Jimmy clears his throat. “You are destined for great things. As amazing as California is, I don't think you were meant to stay here forever. You're special. Hell, Zack and Matt are the same type of special. That's one reason we started the band! People like you, me, Matt, Zack…hell, even little Johnny Christ – we need more from life. You know, maybe…maybe you're only realizing that for the first time today, but I have always known. I've always known that you weren't meant to stay here forever.”

I inhale deeply before slowly letting it out. Before I can open my mouth, Jimmy is talking again. “I also know you're not meant to stay away forever. This is your home. Huntington Beach will always be your home no matter what happens. So, if you think leaving is the best option, maybe you think it's even the only option, I don't know, but I won't stop you. I'm gonna miss you like hell, but I'm not going to fight you. Zack and Matt need to heal, and everyone needs a little space right now. Everyone needs to just get really drunk and clear their heads. So, go; go fall into that can't-live-without-you love for the third time in your life. Just promise me you'll come back.”

I wipe my cheek with the back of my hand and stand. Jimmy follows my movements. “I, uh, wrote these. Can you please deliver them? I don't want to leave without saying goodbye to them but I also know I can't face them right now.” I pull two sealed envelopes out of my pocket, one addressed to Zack and the other to Matt, and hand them to him.

“Yeah, of course,” he tells me.

We stand there in complete silence for a couple of seconds but it feels longer. Emotion hits me and I pull Jimmy into a hug as I begin to sob once again. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave my friends, my family. I had to, though. I've been so fucking selfish for the last year and look where it's gotten me. That's where all this went wrong – the moment I decided to cheat on Zack with that bartender. After that, I just kept hurting him and poor Matt, he was there for me every time I needed him…and I hurt him too. I had to leave so things would go back to normal for the most deserving pair of guys in the world. That's what I’ll have to remember when times get rough. I'm doing this for them – for the two men I will love every day until the day I die.

Even minutes after the tears stop, I'm still gripping onto Jimmy like a child's comfort blanket. “I guess I better go,” I whisper. Jimmy doesn't say anything and I allow myself to stay there a little while longer. Leaving here was going to take every bit of physical, mental and emotional strength I had and I didn't know if I had any left.

I count down from ten in my head and then try to pull away from Jimmy, but he refused to let me go. “You haven't promised to come back yet,” he tells me quietly.

Coming back. I didn't know when it would happen, but I knew Jimmy was right, Huntington Beach, California was my home. I couldn't leave forever. If I was being quite honest, I wasn't sure if I could stay away from Matt and Zack for the rest of my life. They were my best friends. I swallow the lump in my throat. “I promise.”

Notes

Okay, so I really, really wanted a happy ending for this story but this is as close as I could get it. Spencer promised she would come back, though, so maybe there's a happy ending there! Thank you guys so much for reading, commenting and voting! As of right now, there isn't a sequel planned, but I might do something in the future even if it is a one-shot sequel or something. :)

Thank you to Hollie, AvengedLover, MeRi, seventhtrumpet, Mrs.Fiction, imagine fiction and BekahVengeance for commenting.

Title credit: Avenged Sevenfold "And All Things Will End"