Spencer

I sigh, staring at my hands and gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are white and throbbing. I let go and rub my palms on my jeans. I don’t even remember making the drive here from Big Bear; it was like my body was on autopilot. Life felt strange, everything felt strange. These last few months have been such a mess. How in the hell did I end up here?

I get out of my car and grab my duffel bag from the passenger side. When I left here a week ago, I just grabbed the essentials. I never even came back for my phone, I just wanted to be alone, I needed to sort out my thoughts. Imagine my surprise when Zack showed up, begging me to come back – for Matt. How in the hell did the three of us get in this mess?

I carry my duffel bag into my apartment, and then into my bedroom. It was nice to be back in Huntington Beach. It was nice to be home, I just wish I knew what I was coming home to. I can’t believe I’ve fallen for two of the most perfect guys I will ever meet in my life…and one was married and the other's wife that had been MIA for over a year shows back up. I felt like a homewrecker.

Matt’s shirt is still on the floor where I left it when I came home the day Vanessa showed back up. I can’t believe I just left like that, nearly naked, barefoot and completely humiliated. I spot a pile of clothes on my bed and recognize them as my clothes I left at Matt's. My phone sits on top of the pile. I hit the home button and the screen lights up. Dozens of missed calls and texts – mostly from Matt – flood the screen. I stare at my phone for a moment, tempted to read the messages, listen to the voicemails but decide to do it later.

As soon as I step foot back into the living room, there’s a knock at my door. I glance down at a note on my coffee table as I walk by. I recognize Matt's handwriting instantly. “Spence – please let me explain. I’m so sorry. Call me.” I shake my head and walk to the door.

“Spence,” Matt exhales.

Before I completely realize what I'm doing, I’m closing the door on his face. There’s a soft thud on the other side of the door, which I imagine is Matt's hand. I allow my hand to rest on the door knob, listening to Matt gently tap on the door.

“Spencer, please,” he begs quietly.

My eyes start to burn, but I keep the door closed between us. I couldn’t do this right now, but shit, I missed him. Even if he just wanted to be friends, he was my best friend and I missed him. I take a deep breath and dry my eyes with my free hand before opening the door. “So, what, are you, like, stalking my place now?” I ask, fronting the fakest brave face I could.

Matt looks up at me. He gives me a weak smile, “maybe.”

I sigh and take in his face – all of it, the stubble on his chin, the dark circles under his eyes, his dimples revealing slightly as he chews on his lip and those eyes, those gorgeous hazel eyes. I turn and walk away from the door, leaving it open. I hear Matt walk in and close it behind him. I sit on the couch, avoiding his gaze.

“I called you and texted you like a thousand times,” he tells me.

I nod. “Yeah, I uh, I never came back and got my phone.”

“Yeah, I know,” Matt replies. “I kind of…let myself in a few times to check if you came back.” I shoot him a look. “Sorry! I was just worried about you! You just left, you know. You didn’t even leave a note saying where you were going or when you were coming back.”

I shrug. “Zack knew where I was.”

He sighs, “Yeah, Zack…” He doesn’t say anything for a long moment and I don’t push it. After a while, Matt speaks again. “Spencer, I never asked him to chase after you. I just…I just wanted to know where you were. I would have gone myself if he had just told me.”

“How’s Vanessa?” I ask. I didn’t want to know, I just wanted to remind him of the reason why I left.

Again, Matt doesn’t reply for a long moment. He stares at me although I'm still avoiding his eyes, “Will you look at me, please?”

I do as I’m asked and, again, my eyes start to burn instantly. “What are you doing here, Matt?”

“Vanessa and I aren’t together,” he tells me and I scoff. “No, I’m serious. I should have never asked you to leave that day, okay? I don’t know why I did it.” I don’t reply, so he continues. “I guess I was just surprised by her showing up and I wasn’t sure what she wanted, but I thought it would be best to talk about it alone.”

I scoff again. “Whatever.”

“No, hey, don’t do that,” Matt grabs my hand and I yank it back.

“Don’t do what, Matt?”

“Push me away, blow this off. Look, nothing happened between Vanessa and me, I swear. I mean, she kissed me but –” another scoff from me, “– she slapped me as soon as I pushed her away. She came back because she saw a picture of us on Instagram or twitter or something. She just came back to try and take something else away from me. I’m not going to let her, though, okay? I fucked up, I know that. I fucked up royally but Jesus Christ, Spencer – I want you. Hell, I need you; I can’t lose you. I’m sorry for everything. I will make this up to you, I swear.”

“I know you’re sorry, Matt but that doesn’t change what happened. I was naked! I was naked, in your bed and then…Vanessa shows up and you tell me to leave!” I shake my head. I wanted to forgive him but I was so hurt.

“I know,” he says. “But look, if it would have been Zack, you would have asked me to leave.”

“What?”

Matt sighs and wets his lips. “If it would have been Zack on that doorstep and he wanted to talk to you, would you have that conversation in front of me?”

“Matt, that’s different.” And it was. It was different – Zack wasn’t my ex-husband.

“How?” Matt scoffed. “He’s your ex and Vanessa is mine!”

“Because Zack and I…we just broke up a few weeks ago, whereas Vanessa was gone for a fucking year. Oh, and she was your wife, don’t forget that!” I exclaim.

“Exactly, Spence! She was gone for a year and I divorced her, okay? I am the one who filed for divorce, I am the one that decided that I didn’t want to put up with her bullshit anymore. Vanessa doesn’t mean anything to me anymore, babe. I have to worry about Zack more than you need to worry about Vanessa.” By the time Matt is done talking, he’s staring at his hands instead of my face.

“What are you talking about?” I ask, running my hand through my hair. This conversation was exhausting.

“Forget it,” he sighs.

I sigh and reluctantly take his hand, it’s cold compared to mine and I run my fingers over the back of it. I feel his eyes on me as I graze my fingers up his forearm and back down. When my fingers reach his hand again, he shifts and laces his fingers with mine. “Matt,” I start, but nothing else comes out.

Matt brings my hand to his lips, kissing it softly. “Please forgive me?”

“I want to,” I whisper.

Matt bites his lip and I can’t deny how cute his nervous habit is. He scoots closer to me on the couch and now his thigh is touching mine. Matt’s free hand brushes softly against my cheek, and I close my eyes, enjoying his touch. Seconds later, I feel his lips on mine. The kiss is slow, but I can’t deny the hunger it wakes up inside of me. Matt pulls me in closer as the kiss deepens, I nip at his lip and he lets out an audible sigh.

“I love you,” he mumbles as he pulls away. The words slip from his mouth easily, as if he’s being saying it for years but they take me off guard. I’ve only truly loved and been loved by two men in my entire life – my father and Zack.

My first instinct is that Matt is only saying this – these three words – because he’s caught up in the moment. He’s been so terrified of losing me for the last week, and now that he knows he’s not, he’s caught up in the moment and saying things he doesn’t mean. That’s my first instinct, but the look on his face, in his eyes, tells me my first instinct is mistaken.

Loving someone was never something I took lightly. The two men I’ve loved in my entire life, I still love. I will go to my grave loving my father and I will go to my grave loving Zack. I know that; I’m prepared for that. What I wasn’t prepared for was this – for Matt to love me and another thing I wasn’t prepared for was how I felt about it. After the initial shock of his three words, I felt happy. I was happy and I wanted to say it back because it was the truth. Matt was my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, someone that could always make me happy when I was upset.

Matt has an anxious look on his face, and I realize I still haven’t responded to him yet. I take a deep breath. Okay, here it goes. Vanessa is gone; Zack is okay with our relationship. This is good. It’s going to work out this time, I know it. “I love you too, Matt.”

His anxious look turns into a happy one. He smiles largely and I bring my lips to one of his dimples. When I part from him, he presses his lips to mine. “Let’s go out tonight,” he suggests.

“Okay,” I smile and stand up. “I’m going to make something for lunch, you hungry?”

Matt stands up too. “I got it,” he pecks my lips again.

“Alright,” I grin and follow Matt into the kitchen.

He glances in my cabinets before asking, “So what did you do while you were at Big Bear?”

I watch him grab a box of macaroni and cheese and then a pot. “Just read mostly and did a lot of thinking. Oh, hey! You’d totally be interested in this book I bought. I think I left it in my car, I’ll go get it.”

He nods and I turn on my heel, grabbing my keys and head to the front door. I open it and freeze immediately. Zack is standing there, his fist raised as if he was about to knock on the door.

“Zack,” I breathe, glancing behind me to see if Matt had come out of the kitchen. He hadn’t. “What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk,” he tells me.

I wrap my hands around the keys in my hand, feeling nervous. “Now isn’t really a good time.”

Zack sighs and looks at his watch. “I’m supposed to be sitting in a meeting in New York right now,” he tells me. “I went to the airport, had my bags all packed, and my ticket in my hand but I knew leaving, even if it was only for a couple of days, was a mistake.”

I shook my head, not understanding. “What do you mean?”

“I know I said it was okay if Matt and you dated, but Spence…that was a lie. God, I wanted to be okay with it, I wanted you to be happy even if I wasn’t because…because that’s what they tell you is true love, right? If you love someone, set them free and they’ll come back to you if it’s meant to be or some shit, right? Well, fuck that. I say – if you love someone, you should fight for them, you should be a little selfish and stubborn. I know I messed up with the whole Gena thing, but you don’t have to worry about that anymore because it’s over. The divorce is finalized and she’s gone.”

“Zack…”

“I’m not finished, please?” Zack pauses, waiting for my protests but I don’t give him any, so he continues. “You are the absolute love of my life. I’ve missed you every day, I’ve thought about you every second. I know you better than you know yourself, and you know me better than I know myself. We are absolutely perfect together, come on you know that.”

I couldn’t deny it. The good days with me and Zack were perfect, and almost every day we spent together was a good day. I allowed my eyes to scan his face and eyes. God, those green eyes. I have spent many, many hours drowning myself in those green eyes.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he admits. “I told you that before and I meant it then, but now…it’s different. It’s different because now I’m ready to fight for you. I was stupid then and I’m sorry. I want you, I want every single piece of you. Every day for the rest of my life. I’ve been an ass and things have been rough, but…I know you love me too. If you don’t, just tell me and I’ll leave.”

Again, I don’t say anything, I can’t deny it so what’s the point? Zack takes a step towards me and brings his mouth down to mine. The familiarity of Marlboros and mint is welcomed as he runs his tongue against my lip. I run my hand through his hair as he pulls me closer to him. And then he pulls away.

“Marry me? Please, make me the happiest, most selfish man on earth and marry me. Come back home. I miss you. I need you. I love you.”

Like Matt’s three words, Zack's two catch me off guard. I stand there, unable to find my voice, unable to think, unable to do anything.

There’s a mutter behind me, “Spence?” I turn and see Matt standing there. Worry and confusion coat his face. He takes a step towards me but stops, allowing his eyes to focus past me and onto, what I’m assuming is Zack. Something else shows on his face which causes me to turn back to Zack. He’s offering me a diamond ring.

Notes

Originally, I planned on this being the very last chapter which allowed the reader to use their imagination to decide who Spencer ended up with. But, due to a totally scrapped chapter, I decided to give you guys one last half-chapter with an ending and an answer which will come out this weekend! I think most of you are team Zack, has that changed at all? Let me know! I'm so curious!

Thank you so much for reading! Don't forget to comment, vote and subscribe so you don't miss that last chapter!

Thank you to Hollie, AvengedLover, foREVer-A7X, MeRi and Mrs.Fiction for commenting!

Title credit: Vance Joy "The Fire and the Flood"