The Fire and the Flood
17: Here Comes the Answer to the Question I Never Asked
Zachary
I was glad to get away from Spencer for a few weeks. I needed to clear my head and figure out what I wanted. It was a little hard, however, since Matt was still around. Ugh, I think I was more pissed at him than I was at Spencer. I don’t know, things were complicated; this whole thing was a mess.
I kept my distance from him as much as I could, but it’s kind of hard in a tour bus. I forced myself to make things seem perfect in front of the fans. I was a very private person; the band was a very private group. I didn’t want anyone to know about any problems. Especially something like this.
I kept my distance from him as much as I could, but it’s kind of hard in a tour bus. I forced myself to make things seem perfect in front of the fans. I was a very private person; the band was a very private group. I didn’t want anyone to know about any problems. Especially something like this. Singer falls in love with guitarists slutty girlfriend – yeah, that would be a great article.
Okay, Spencer wasn’t a slut. I shouldn’t have said that.
I still loved her more than life itself. There was no use in denying it, I would always love her. No matter what she did to me, I would always love her. She was special.
And I fucking missed her. I missed every fucking piece of her. I picked up my phone to text or call her hundreds of times since the breakup. I just wanted to kiss her, to tell her I loved and missed her. I never hit the call or send button, though, and when she tried to talk to me right before I left, I blew her off. I didn’t want to; it just happened, like a defense mechanism. She told me she missed me and she hated this, the break up, and I was all ready to tell her I hated this too, that I missed her too but…we were interrupted and then, after that I just couldn’t bring myself to say it because she chose to stay home, to stay at Matt’s, if she missed me she would have tried to come and she didn’t.
I tried to meet new women, to help keep my mind off her but nothing ever worked. Spencer has something these other girls lacked. I decided around week two that as soon as I got back to Huntington, I would speak to her. This was a conversation that we needed to have in person. I knew she wouldn’t want to get back with me until I was officially divorced and for real this time. My lawyer was working on that and hopefully it would be done before I went back, that would make things so much easier.
I knew I would eventually have to fix things with Matt too, but I wasn’t sure how. He was in love with Spencer and there was nothing I could do about it; there was nothing he could do about it, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a problem. It was a big problem and every time I thought about it I got pissed off all over again.
Week three, I decided to finally sit down and talk to Matt. I was waiting until everyone went to bed, it was late and Jimmy and Brian went first. Johnny was still up, little shit, always taking his time. I walked to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer knowing if I was going to have this conversation I needed to have about ten of these babies in my system.
Matt was laying on the couch next to the refrigerator playing on his phone. He was smiling like a big ass doofus, and I couldn’t help but allow my eyes to travel to his phone which was perfectly in my view.
What the fuck? He was texting Spencer. Was this guy kidding?! He was fucking flirting with her with me in the same goddamn room as him.
I read the messages. The grey bubble started the conversation. Spencer, fucking slut. “I miss you.”
Matt replied, his text bubble blue, “I miss you too.”
“You do?” Grey bubble asked.
“Of course,” Matt replied. “I wish you would have come.”
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. I'm going to throw up.
“I want nothing more than to be with you right now.” Spencer sent back. Was this bitch serious? Three weeks ago, she was telling me how much she hated this and hinted that she wanted to get back together and now she was telling Matt she wanted nothing more than to be with him. With him? Fuck her!
“Can we talk when I get home?” Matt asked her. He added the heart eye emoji and it only fuelled my anger. So, this was it, they were just going to start dating? Good for them.
I couldn't read anymore, and so I trashed the rest of my beer and went to my bunk. Fuck Matt and fuck Spencer.
Some fucking friends. I couldn't wait for this god damn tour to be over.
The next day I begin to keep track of how many hours left until this god damn tour is over. Right now, we are at about 300 hours. I avoid Matt the entire day but I can't help but notice how fucking cheery he's acting. Of course, he's acting cheerful - he just stole my girlfriend away from me. This is what he had planned all along. Ever since he fucking developed that fucking crush on her, this has been the ultimate goal.
I don't know what I'm going to do if they start dating. I won't be able to handle it. I'd have to quit the band. Then what am I going to do? I have my clothing line but…I want more.
“I want nothing more than to be with you right now,” she had told him. Wow. Just fucking wow. I should have seen this coming. She's fucking playing us. She's just trying to see which one will be there for her financially because she's a fucking gold digger.
Okay, that's not true. I know that's not true. I'm just angry. Fuck her.
Jimmy is warming up for the show tonight. Connecticut, it's been a while. The crowd sounds awesome and I can't wait to go out and perform for them. This is something I'm going to miss. Performing, doing what I love with my best friends. But I know I won't be able to do it anymore. I know I won't be able to do this if Spencer comes. If I have to watch him and her together. It would kill me.
We walk out on stage and I feel great. I could block Spencer out the best when I was performing. It was easy, just looking out into the crowd, seeing all the different faces, all the fans. The shows never seemed long enough for that reason. I was always thankful for encores because I liked to be wanted by the fans, but now I was thankful for encores for another reason. Encores meant more performing which meant I could block Spencer out for just a few more minutes.
Tonight, however, I wish we hadn’t done one.
A rage found me when I saw her. Standing at the front of the crowd, with a smile on her face. She came to see him? Really? She travelled across the fucking country to see him? I was angry. She didn’t even talk to me about it, to see if I was okay with them; she should know I wouldn’t be, she shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t be here to see him.
So, I did the only thing I could think of – well, that’s not true, tackling Matt and pummelling his face in was the first thing I could think of, but I decided that wouldn’t be the best option. So, I did the only other thing I could think of and slammed my guitar full force into the floor of the stage. And then I did it again before walking from the stage. The cheers from the crowd told me they thought it was cool; funny. I’m sure it’ll be praised on YouTube later tonight.
I rushed off the stage and went directly to the room where I left my stuff. I grabbed it all immediately and shoved it into my bag. I googled the number to the closest airport and then began to walk out of the room.
“Hi, yeah, I would like to book a one-way ticket to California for the next flight please,” I told the lady when she answered.
Fuck this place; fuck this tour; fuck this band and Matt.
I get off the phone with the lady and call a cab. I light up a cigarette while I wait outside and try to calm my nerves. I hear the door behind me open and close.
“Dude, what the fuck?” a voice boomed behind me. Matt. I don’t answer him, but instead light up another cigarette, discarding the other on the cement under my shoe. Matt swung me around with his hand and there goes that urge again – to pummel his fucking face in.
“You really do not want to fucking do this with me right now,” I tell him turning my back towards him.
“Get over yourself, Zack! There is nothing going on with me and Spencer! I get that you’re fucking mad at me because of something that happened weeks ago, and fine – be mad if you want but don’t fucking take it out on the fans, man! They deserve more than that!” Matt said.
Nothing going on? Was this guy serious? I turned to him. “I saw the texts, Matt. I saw you guys talking last night, so do you really want to try and tell me there’s nothing going on with you and her?”
Matt shook his head. “Nothing is. She and I haven’t…I wouldn’t do that…I…”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, whatever.”
“I’m fucking serious, Zack! But, I mean if you want to talk about it fine. I think If you don’t want to be with her, then you should get used to the idea of her dating whoever the fuck she wants.”
“Oh, so she wants to date you? Is that what you’re fucking saying? She wants to be with you?” God, I fucking wanted to hit him.
“Maybe she fucking does! I’m good to her, Zack! She’s my best friend!” Matt yelled.
“I’m supposed to be your best friend, Matt!” Fuck, now I sound like a desperate teenager arguing with their best friend.
“You are!” Matt rolled his eyes. “I care about both of you.”
“Yeah? You care about me? That’s why you invited her to come without even mentioning anything to me? Without fucking taking into consideration that maybe I’m not okay with that?” I spat it viciously to hide how hurt I was.
“What are you talking about? I didn’t invite her, Z!” He’s fucking lying.
“Well, then why is she here?”
“What?”
“Why is she here? If you didn’t invite her then why is she here? Because as far as I know you’re the only one that has spoken to her.” I retorted
“You’re being ridiculous, Zack. She isn’t here. Why would she be here?” Matt asked.
The door opened and closed, interrupting our conversation. We turned to the door and there she stood. Blonde hair, red lips, black lace, leather.
Fuck, she looked good.
“Hi…” she said quietly.
She looked good for Matt.
Fuck her.
I was glad to get away from Spencer for a few weeks. I needed to clear my head and figure out what I wanted. It was a little hard, however, since Matt was still around. Ugh, I think I was more pissed at him than I was at Spencer. I don’t know, things were complicated; this whole thing was a mess.
I kept my distance from him as much as I could, but it’s kind of hard in a tour bus. I forced myself to make things seem perfect in front of the fans. I was a very private person; the band was a very private group. I didn’t want anyone to know about any problems. Especially something like this.
I kept my distance from him as much as I could, but it’s kind of hard in a tour bus. I forced myself to make things seem perfect in front of the fans. I was a very private person; the band was a very private group. I didn’t want anyone to know about any problems. Especially something like this. Singer falls in love with guitarists slutty girlfriend – yeah, that would be a great article.
Okay, Spencer wasn’t a slut. I shouldn’t have said that.
I still loved her more than life itself. There was no use in denying it, I would always love her. No matter what she did to me, I would always love her. She was special.
And I fucking missed her. I missed every fucking piece of her. I picked up my phone to text or call her hundreds of times since the breakup. I just wanted to kiss her, to tell her I loved and missed her. I never hit the call or send button, though, and when she tried to talk to me right before I left, I blew her off. I didn’t want to; it just happened, like a defense mechanism. She told me she missed me and she hated this, the break up, and I was all ready to tell her I hated this too, that I missed her too but…we were interrupted and then, after that I just couldn’t bring myself to say it because she chose to stay home, to stay at Matt’s, if she missed me she would have tried to come and she didn’t.
I tried to meet new women, to help keep my mind off her but nothing ever worked. Spencer has something these other girls lacked. I decided around week two that as soon as I got back to Huntington, I would speak to her. This was a conversation that we needed to have in person. I knew she wouldn’t want to get back with me until I was officially divorced and for real this time. My lawyer was working on that and hopefully it would be done before I went back, that would make things so much easier.
I knew I would eventually have to fix things with Matt too, but I wasn’t sure how. He was in love with Spencer and there was nothing I could do about it; there was nothing he could do about it, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a problem. It was a big problem and every time I thought about it I got pissed off all over again.
Week three, I decided to finally sit down and talk to Matt. I was waiting until everyone went to bed, it was late and Jimmy and Brian went first. Johnny was still up, little shit, always taking his time. I walked to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer knowing if I was going to have this conversation I needed to have about ten of these babies in my system.
Matt was laying on the couch next to the refrigerator playing on his phone. He was smiling like a big ass doofus, and I couldn’t help but allow my eyes to travel to his phone which was perfectly in my view.
What the fuck? He was texting Spencer. Was this guy kidding?! He was fucking flirting with her with me in the same goddamn room as him.
I read the messages. The grey bubble started the conversation. Spencer, fucking slut. “I miss you.”
Matt replied, his text bubble blue, “I miss you too.”
“You do?” Grey bubble asked.
“Of course,” Matt replied. “I wish you would have come.”
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. I'm going to throw up.
“I want nothing more than to be with you right now.” Spencer sent back. Was this bitch serious? Three weeks ago, she was telling me how much she hated this and hinted that she wanted to get back together and now she was telling Matt she wanted nothing more than to be with him. With him? Fuck her!
“Can we talk when I get home?” Matt asked her. He added the heart eye emoji and it only fuelled my anger. So, this was it, they were just going to start dating? Good for them.
I couldn't read anymore, and so I trashed the rest of my beer and went to my bunk. Fuck Matt and fuck Spencer.
Some fucking friends. I couldn't wait for this god damn tour to be over.
The next day I begin to keep track of how many hours left until this god damn tour is over. Right now, we are at about 300 hours. I avoid Matt the entire day but I can't help but notice how fucking cheery he's acting. Of course, he's acting cheerful - he just stole my girlfriend away from me. This is what he had planned all along. Ever since he fucking developed that fucking crush on her, this has been the ultimate goal.
I don't know what I'm going to do if they start dating. I won't be able to handle it. I'd have to quit the band. Then what am I going to do? I have my clothing line but…I want more.
“I want nothing more than to be with you right now,” she had told him. Wow. Just fucking wow. I should have seen this coming. She's fucking playing us. She's just trying to see which one will be there for her financially because she's a fucking gold digger.
Okay, that's not true. I know that's not true. I'm just angry. Fuck her.
Jimmy is warming up for the show tonight. Connecticut, it's been a while. The crowd sounds awesome and I can't wait to go out and perform for them. This is something I'm going to miss. Performing, doing what I love with my best friends. But I know I won't be able to do it anymore. I know I won't be able to do this if Spencer comes. If I have to watch him and her together. It would kill me.
We walk out on stage and I feel great. I could block Spencer out the best when I was performing. It was easy, just looking out into the crowd, seeing all the different faces, all the fans. The shows never seemed long enough for that reason. I was always thankful for encores because I liked to be wanted by the fans, but now I was thankful for encores for another reason. Encores meant more performing which meant I could block Spencer out for just a few more minutes.
Tonight, however, I wish we hadn’t done one.
A rage found me when I saw her. Standing at the front of the crowd, with a smile on her face. She came to see him? Really? She travelled across the fucking country to see him? I was angry. She didn’t even talk to me about it, to see if I was okay with them; she should know I wouldn’t be, she shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t be here to see him.
So, I did the only thing I could think of – well, that’s not true, tackling Matt and pummelling his face in was the first thing I could think of, but I decided that wouldn’t be the best option. So, I did the only other thing I could think of and slammed my guitar full force into the floor of the stage. And then I did it again before walking from the stage. The cheers from the crowd told me they thought it was cool; funny. I’m sure it’ll be praised on YouTube later tonight.
I rushed off the stage and went directly to the room where I left my stuff. I grabbed it all immediately and shoved it into my bag. I googled the number to the closest airport and then began to walk out of the room.
“Hi, yeah, I would like to book a one-way ticket to California for the next flight please,” I told the lady when she answered.
Fuck this place; fuck this tour; fuck this band and Matt.
I get off the phone with the lady and call a cab. I light up a cigarette while I wait outside and try to calm my nerves. I hear the door behind me open and close.
“Dude, what the fuck?” a voice boomed behind me. Matt. I don’t answer him, but instead light up another cigarette, discarding the other on the cement under my shoe. Matt swung me around with his hand and there goes that urge again – to pummel his fucking face in.
“You really do not want to fucking do this with me right now,” I tell him turning my back towards him.
“Get over yourself, Zack! There is nothing going on with me and Spencer! I get that you’re fucking mad at me because of something that happened weeks ago, and fine – be mad if you want but don’t fucking take it out on the fans, man! They deserve more than that!” Matt said.
Nothing going on? Was this guy serious? I turned to him. “I saw the texts, Matt. I saw you guys talking last night, so do you really want to try and tell me there’s nothing going on with you and her?”
Matt shook his head. “Nothing is. She and I haven’t…I wouldn’t do that…I…”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, whatever.”
“I’m fucking serious, Zack! But, I mean if you want to talk about it fine. I think If you don’t want to be with her, then you should get used to the idea of her dating whoever the fuck she wants.”
“Oh, so she wants to date you? Is that what you’re fucking saying? She wants to be with you?” God, I fucking wanted to hit him.
“Maybe she fucking does! I’m good to her, Zack! She’s my best friend!” Matt yelled.
“I’m supposed to be your best friend, Matt!” Fuck, now I sound like a desperate teenager arguing with their best friend.
“You are!” Matt rolled his eyes. “I care about both of you.”
“Yeah? You care about me? That’s why you invited her to come without even mentioning anything to me? Without fucking taking into consideration that maybe I’m not okay with that?” I spat it viciously to hide how hurt I was.
“What are you talking about? I didn’t invite her, Z!” He’s fucking lying.
“Well, then why is she here?”
“What?”
“Why is she here? If you didn’t invite her then why is she here? Because as far as I know you’re the only one that has spoken to her.” I retorted
“You’re being ridiculous, Zack. She isn’t here. Why would she be here?” Matt asked.
The door opened and closed, interrupting our conversation. We turned to the door and there she stood. Blonde hair, red lips, black lace, leather.
Fuck, she looked good.
“Hi…” she said quietly.
She looked good for Matt.
Fuck her.
Notes
A weird Monday night update because I got my package from Vengeance University today and I wanted to show off my pride and joy! I got poster 49/100 So stoked!
Thank you so much for reading! Thanks to Cheyenne16, Hollie, FoREVer-A7X, Mrs.Fiction and kaylakakes for commenting!
Title credit: Of Mice & Men "Away"
@Holly
the letters are fixed! sorry it took so long, i couldn't find my memory stick!
p.s. thank you so much!!!
1/25/19