Matthew

I wonder if there’s a special place in hell for people like me – for people who fall in love with their best friend’s girl. There’s got to be, right? I never meant for it to happen. We had been friends for so long, all of us, me, Zack, Gena, Vanessa, Spencer and whatever guy she was dating at the moment. We all hung out and everything was normal once behind. Hell, things were even normal for a little while once Zack and Spencer began dating. I just want things to be normal again.

But I want things to be normal in a different way. I want it to be normal for me and Spencer to be together.

God, I'm so fucking stupid.

I watch Spencer as we’re waiting to leave, I watch her talking to Jimmy, and then I watch as she makes her way to Zack. I should be happy she’s finally gathered the courage to talk to him. The conversation doesn’t look like a good one and their interrupted before they can finish. As Zack walks away Spencer looks crushed. I want to wave to her, but know she won’t see me through the tinted windows. I want to run out to her, and tell her I'm there for her if she needs me but the bus is driving away.

I turn and make eye contact with Zack briefly before he sits down on the couch and starts playing on his phone. I know Zack, I’ve known him since we were kids and it’s because of this that I can tell that his conversation with Spencer upset him – or maybe leaving her behind upset him, I’m not too sure about that part.

“We should turn back. Little Bird should be with us,” Jimmy announces. I agree with him silently, glancing up at Zack who is acting like he doesn’t hear our drummer.

“She didn’t want to come,” I tell him. “I tried.”

Zack scoffs, and I bring my eyes back to him. He’s still looking at his phone but I have no doubt in my mind that his scoff was aimed at me.

“I tried to get her to come for you, Z,” I tell him. It’s a lie but if I'm going to make these four weeks on tour bearable, I must make sure he thinks – he knows that there’s nothing going on between Spencer and me.

“You’re a damn liar,” he mumbles. I stare at him, even though he’s still staring at his damn phone, and I’m tempted to get up, to knock his phone out of his hands, but Jimmy catches my gaze and shakes his head.

I want to argue with him. If Zack is going to act like an ass, why can’t I? He’s acting like he doesn’t care about Spencer, he’s acting like he doesn’t love her. Maybe he doesn’t love her. Maybe he’s know this break up was a long time coming, and he’s over it already. And if that’s the truth then why can’t I be with her? If she wants to be with me, then why can’t we be happy together.

I’m being stupid. I don’t even know if Spencer wants to be with me. It’s clear she still loves Zack, but I still think there’s some part of her that cares about me too. If I could just get her to open up to me, if I could just see what she really is thinking inside of that pretty little head of hers…

The days trickled by. Zack wouldn’t speak to me unless he absolutely had to. It was amazing how fake he could be. We had interviews, and he would act as if there wasn’t a problem in the world between us. He would joke with me, and laugh with me. We would poke fun at each other, gang up on Johnny, complement each other. In front of the camera, everything was fine between us. We were the best of friends again, until cameras stop rolling and Zack basically runs to get away from me.

It was the same way when we were on stage, everything was great. We played like there was nothing going on between us every single night but as soon as the set was over…he was gone. Until I saw him later cozying up with some girl at an after party. A different girl, every night. I wondered if that meant he was trying to feel a void.

If Spencer was here, if she saw what he was doing it would kill her. This was such a mess. She deserved better than this. She deserved the world.

I tried to go out and party, to get my mind off of Spencer, but I couldn’t. She was always there, in my mind, in my heart. This crush on her has moved to something more. I’ve fallen for her. I’ve fallen for her so hard.

“Dude,” Brian groaned, sitting next to me on the sofa. “You and Zack have got to get this shit under control. The drama is exhausting and quite frankly, it’s making this tour so not fun.”

“He started it,” I tell him.

“Wow, that’s a childish reply.”

I roll my eyes. “He accused me of sleeping with Spencer, I didn’t and he’s still pissed. I can’t help that, Brian.”

“No, there’s more to it than that.” Brian tells me.

“What do you mean?” I ask him. What all had Zack told him?

Brian gave me a look. “You love Spencer, dude? How could you let that happen?”

I roll my eyes again. “I don’t love her, dude. Zack should really get that out of his head. I just formed a crush on her. That’s it. I’m not trying to steal her away from him or whatever. I want her to be happy. If that means she’s with him, fine.”

“So, you want her to be happy, even if she’s not with you?” Brian asks me.

“Yes,” It’s a simple answer, a truthful answer.

Brian gave me a small smile. “That’s what love is, dude.” He patted my knee before getting off the couch and heading to the back of the bus.

Notes

Thank you for reading!

Thanks to Hollie, kaylakakes, MeRi, foREVer-A7X, Cheyenne16, and Mrs.Fiction for commenting.

Title credit: Good Charlotte "Life Changes"