Spencer

I tried my best to keep things normal between Matt and I after I found out he had more-than-a-friend feelings for me. But at dinner I kept catching him steal glances at me, staring. When we went to the car I noticed he opened the car door for me and shut it after I got in. I noticed how close he sat next to me on the sofa and how his arm rests on the back of it. I noticed things I now I wondered how long they had been going on unnoticed. I wonder if anyone else has noticed these things and have just kept their mouth shut.

I noticed another thing too, another surprising thing, a thing about myself. I noticed how much all my noticing didn't really bother me. Matt's occasional staring, the gentleman-ness, the close-sitting and the absentminded touching - none of it bothered me like it should have. The only reason why it bothered me in the slightest was because I was dating Zack, I loved Zack and I knew this would eventually cause problems.

I didn't want to cause problems. I didn't want Matt and Zack to fight about it; I didn't want me and Zack to fight about it. I definitely didn't want any of the other guys to get involved. I didn't want anyone to fight. I didn't want there to be any drama. Lord knows I have enough to bullshit drama going on right now, I didn't need anymore.

Hell, who even knows if it will be a problem. Zack was still fucking married and I still hadn't spoken to him and had no intention of speaking to him any time soon. So, who knows if Zack and I will even be together much longer?

Wait. What?
Where did that thought come from?

Of course I wanted to be with Zack. I loved him. But he was married and every time I thought about it, I got pissed off all over again.

I wondered if Matt was still married even though Vanessa just up and vanished one day. I would have to remind myself to ask him about it. But why? Why does it matter if Matt was still married? It didn't. It didn't. It didn't matter.

I've been staying at Matt's house for three days now. Yesterday, when Brian called Matt and asked if he wanted to go to the batting cage with Zack and him, I took the opportunity to run to my house with Zack and grab clothes and necessities.

I knew I was probably handling this wrong. I know I needed to talk to Zack. I know we needed to work this out before the tour stated back up in four days. I know we needed to work this out regardless of tour starting again. If we didn't talk soon our relationship would probably end, I know that. But I wasn't ready to talk to him. I was still angry, I was still hurt. If I talked to him before I was ready, who knew what would happen? Who knew what I would say and not mean?
So, I ignored the texts, I sent the calls to voicemail and then deleted them without listening to them. Matt shook his head every time and I wasn't sure why. He had feelings for me, he should have been happy that I was ignoring my boyfriend. But he wasn't happy; Matt was many things but selfish wasn't one of them. Zack and I were Matt's best friends. He didn't want Zack unhappy and he didn't want me unhappy. He wasn't selfish.

I was though. Gena was one of my best friends once upon a time. I loved her; I wanted her to be happy. I wanted Zack to be happy. When Zack told us he filed for divorce, I was sad for him and Gena. I wanted them to be happily married. I did, I wanted that at one point. But then I fell for him instead and now...I want him. I don't want him to be married to her. I don't want him to be happy with her. As a matter of fact, it made me sick to my stomach to at the thought of her making him happy. Making him happy was my job, she had her chance. I know I had fucked up in the past, but I loved him. I really, really did. I didn't want him to be married to her. But he was and so the tears came.

I tried to only cry when I was alone, when I was in the shower or in bed. Tonight the tears wouldn't stop though. I couldn't help but think of the last few months. All of this started when I found out Zack was texting Gena and he wouldn't let me read the messages. I thought he was cheating on me, but really he was just hiding the fact that he was still married. How long has he known before then? How many texts had they exchanged before then? Phone call, secret meetings - how many? I wasn't sure I wanted to know though. What I did want to know, though, was why he kept it from me. I was his best friend, I was his girlfriend! Even if he didn't want anyone to know, I should have been told. I had a right to know! Did he not love me enough to take my feelings into account? Did he only care about me when he thought he was on the verge of losing me?

It was a quarter after three in the morning when I decided I couldn't sleep, not alone anyways. I needed to be comforted.

I changed my mind over a dozen times from the guest room to Matt's room. Once I finally arrived at his open bedroom door, I still stood there weighing my options for another five minutes before I tiptoed to his bed. I slowly pushed the blankets back and crawled in. Matt's back was to me but the additional weight in the bed cause him to flip over.

"Spencer?" He mumbled, tired. "Are you okay?"

"Can't sleep," I told him. My voice was weak from crying. "Can I stay in here tonight?"

Matt didn't answer me immediately. I wondered if I had made a mistake and was about to go back to the guest room when he finally did answer. "Of course you can," he told me. He shifted, moved slightly closer to me and then asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I thought about it briefly. "No," I answered. "Thank you though."

"No problem," he murmured before his breathing turned back into quiet snores.

---

The room suddenly got really cold but my back stayed exceptionally warm. Without opening my eyes I reached behind me to grab the blanket that Matt stole. It wouldn't surprise me to find out Vanessa left because Matt was such a fucking blanket hog. He was always so warm, why did he need so much blanket? My hand landed against warm, smooth skin.

"Matt, the blanket." I mumbled.

"Huh?" He grunted back.

"The blanket." I groaned. I was too tired for this, to form complete sentences.

"I don't have..."

Suddenly something large and soft hit my upper body. My eyes shot open. What the fuck was his problem? It was too early for this shit. I threw the blanket from my head and Matt's arm from my waist.

"What the fuck is your..." I started but stopped as soon as I realized what was happening.

Matt must have woken up by my uproar and realized what was going on too, because he was out of bed before I could put a sentence together.

"No, dude..." Matt stammered. Apparently, he couldn't put a sentence together either. Zack's eyes had a fire in them. A fire I hadn't seen since high school when he was being told how he wouldn't amount to much.

Zack didn't know if he wanted to shoot daggers at me or Matt. His eyes shot back and forth but he didn't say anything, none of us did. After a moment, he turned and was out the bedroom and I could hear his footsteps down the hall, down the stairs.

I wasn't going to run after him. I wasn't going to run after him. I wasn't...I was running after him.

He was at the door when I reached the bottom of the stairs. "Zack," I called. He stopped but didn't turn around. I expected him to ignore me, to keep walking, but after a moment he shut the door.

"What the fuck, Spencer?" His voice was soft; he was hurt. His back was still to me.

"It's not what you..." I start but he turns around, interrupting me.

"He's my best fucking friend. I've been worried sick about you for days. So I finally decide to just make it to where you can't avoid me any longer and..." He shakes his head. "And I find out you've been what? Shacking up with Matt? Are you kidding me? He's my best friend and you...you..."

"I didn't sleep with him, Zack." I said quietly. "The reason why I'm here is because of you, let's not forget that."

Zack shook his head. "So, anytime we get into a bad fight you're just going to run off and cheat on me? This isn't high school, Spencer!"

"I didn't cheat on you with Matt!" I yelled. Zack stared at me but he didn't reply. He just stood there, silent. I took a deep breath. "Why didn't you tell me about the divorce papers?"

He sighed. "I don't know."

I rolled my eyes. I finally ask him the question that has been weighing on my mind and he doesn't know. Seriously? That's the answer he's going to go with? He doesn't know? Zack must have sensed my frustration because he took a deep breath and then continued.

"I found out a week before you caught me texting her. My lawyer called me. He said he was sorting through all of my documents, you know, he holds onto copies in case something happens to mine. Well, he noticed the divorce papers weren't there. So, I looked through mine and noticed they weren’t there either. My lawyer made a few calls and turns out I'm still married. No one knows what happened. So, I filed again sent Gena her copy and expected it to be over with after that but now she won't sign them, she says this is a sign were meant to be together." He stopped and watched for my reaction. I tried not to give him one; he still hadn't answered my question. "I should have told you," he continued after a sigh. "I wanted to avoid a fight, to avoid this. But then you cheated on me and I still hadn't got the papers signed. I was pissed off at you, and Gena and...Spencer, I didn't mean for you to get hurt. But for you to turn around and sleep with Matt...that's a fucking low blow and you know it."

I'm tempted to let him think I sleep with Matt like he allowed me to think he was divorced. But that's immature and I want us to get passed this. I want us to be happy again.

"We didn't have sex," I tell him, again. "We just slept in the same bed together. Nothing happened, I swear. He's my best friend, too, Zack. Sometimes best friends sleep in the same bed. You wouldn't have a problem if I slept in the same bed with Michelle, or Vanessa."

Zack rolled his eyes. "He's not a fucking chick, Spencer. He's very much male and you're not stupid so please don't make me say it."

"Say what, Zack? I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about!" I yell. What the fuck was his problem now? I know for a fucking fact he has shared a bed with Michelle before and no one thought that was weird! He was dating Gena and Michelle was with Brian, so how is this any weirder than that?

"He's fucking in love with you or something, Spencer! He has been for a long time now! At first, I thought his emotions were just out of whack because Vanessa left. So, whatever, I fucking ignored it, I made excuses but it's been a goddamn year and he still stares at you. He still does little things that shouldn't matter because he's your best friend but he does it because he has fucking feelings for you! I mean, shit, now I'm thinking Vanessa left him because of his feelings for you! You're not stupid so please spare me the denial. I know you know it's true."

I didn't know what to say. Of course, I knew it was true. I knew it as true because Matt kissed me in his hotel room. I knew it was true because I've noticed Matt staring at me, I've noticed the little things that shouldn't matter but do. I knew it was true because he kissed me back when I was drunk. Mostly, I knew it was true because Matt told me it was true. He admitted it to me.

"It doesn't matter, Zack," I told him. "It doesn't matter because I'm not dating him. I'm dating you. Nothing happened between us." The last part was a lie, but it didn't matter. Because I don't think either of the times Matt and I kissed mattered, I didn't have feelings for Matt that way. I was just feeling vulnerable. I had to lie to protect Matt, and the band.

Zack's eyes were sad. Suddenly, he couldn't look at me. Her stared at the wall for minutes, hours, days until he forced his eyes back on me. They were still sad but they were also filled with another emotion too. Disappointment - and another, resent.

"It does matter," he says calmly, quietly. "Because you knew he has feelings for you and you still crawled into bed with him. You still let him wrap his arms around you, to cuddle you."

"He was cuddling with me because he was comforting me," I told him. "I got into bed with him because I couldn't sleep. Because I couldn't stop crying over you!"

"I've been blowing your phone up, trying my damnedest to get you to talk to me, to come home to me and instead of you doing what was right, you hid out here and cuddled up with our best friend that wants you. How is this fair to me? How am I supposed to be okay with that?" Zack asked me. I can't tell if he is hurt or angry, maybe both.

"How am I supposed to be okay with you kissing your wife?" I shot back. "Your wife, Zack! You're still married and you hid that from me! How is that fair to me? How mad I supposed to be okay with that?" I didn't realize I was crying until a tear hits my lip and I taste salt.

Zack stares at me and I turn away from him. I wished I would stop crying. I didn't want to be weak in this moment. I didn't want him to knowing how bad I was hurting. I wanted him to apologize because he genuinely felt bad, not because the tears made him feel bad. I want him to tell me he loves me and everything is going to be okay.

But he doesn't.
"I think we should break up," he murmurs.

Notes

Again, sorry for the lack of updates, guys. I've been so busy! I am officially moved into the new house though, so things will return to normal within the next week. I'm having to borrow my parents computer because although I type things up on my iPad, I'd rather use microsoft word to edit. I ordered a computer today though, so that should be coming in Thursday I think.

Has everyone heard the new album? Do you absolutely loved it? I'm pretty sure I squealed when it was announced during the live event, and then searched apple music for it immediately afterwards. What are your favourite songs? Mine are God Damn and Angels. Have you guys heard the rumor that two albums are being released this year?

As always thank you so much for reading, recommending, commenting and subscribing. Please keep it up, I love hearing from you guys! Things are a little slow right now but it'll heat up I promise!! Thanks again!

Title credit: Avenged Sevenfold "Fermi Paradox"