Zachary

She was gone.
We had a good night. At least I thought we did. We came to my house, watched movies, cooked dinner. We kissed, had sex…we had a good night, as good of a night that we could have considering the reason why she was in California in the first place.

And then, this morning, she was gone. It was like she was never there, she didn’t even leave a note. I waited around for a few hours, thinking maybe she had an errand to run or went to visit her mom. Around noon, I called her and when she didn’t answer I moved to the more desperate solution and called her mom.

“Oh, I’m sorry dear. She said something came up, she had to go back home. Maybe she just forgot to text you.” Mrs. Sanders replied.

“Yeah,” I mumbled, “Yeah, you know I think I remember her saying something about having to leave,” I lied. “I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“Oh, you’re no bother, Zack. You know, you and the guys should come over for dinner sometime.”

I nodded, trying to focus on her words while my mind wanted to travel elsewhere – to Evelyn and why she left. “Of course,” I told her. “I’ll talk to them and we will figure something out.”

“Okay,” You could hear the smile in her voice. “It was really good hearing from you Zack. And thank you, for coming yesterday. It meant a lot to the Sanders family, and I know it really meant a great deal to Evelyn.”

“Of course,” I mumble. “I’ll talk to you later, Mrs. Sanders.” I hang up the phone and then sit down on the couch.

She left but why? I groaned, deep down I know why she left. She left because we had sex. She pulled a me on me.

I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t know why this bothered me.

That’s a lie. I did know why this bothered me. It bothered me because I started to let my guard down with her. Despite every fiber of my being telling me not to, I started to. I started to enjoy my time with her again, to care for her again. And she just left. She left and didn’t even leave a note.

I was hurt, that’s why this was bothering me.

But why did it hurt? I should have expected this. I should have expected all of this to happen. I should have protected myself better.

---

I keep myself busy for the next couple of weeks. The band has been busy with recording the next album and it’s a good way for me to release some frustrations. Song writing had always helped me out and now I'm better at doing it, so there’s equal benefit. I can release some frustration and we get an awesome song to add to our record.

When we weren’t in the studio we were doing interviews, photoshoots. Schecter was constantly bringing Brian and I in since they were working on new guitars for us. There was drinking and partying, and we met fans and everything was great. We kept busy. I kept busy.
But Evelyn was always on my mind no matter how busy I kept myself. I was constantly thinking about what she was doing, or…who she was doing. Did she go back to Jeff? I was jealous and I didn’t like it.

Life used to be more simple. Before Evelyn’s family reunion, before I got back in touch with her. Life was easier when I hated her. Damn, I wish I could go back to hating her. I wonder if I could. I wonder if I thought really hard about it, went through all of the small details of our past if I could make myself hate her again. I could try, I could think back on it and focus on it every time I felt myself getting to close to her. I could hate her again. I could.

I could but I didn't want to. Not really, anyways. The bad thing about hating someone is that you don't realize how much you miss them. Sure, while you hate someone and want absolutely nothing to do with them, it's a good thing. It's good to forget how much you miss them. It's good to forget all of the good times. But once the smallest part of you starts to let that person in again, once they make that first crack in the wall you built up to protect yourself, once you remember the good times…everything else begins to come back. And now that person that you worked so hard on hating, is making you do stupid things like fly across the country because she won't return your phone calls. And that's when I should have turned away. I should have put an end to this friendship then. I should have never flown across the country. I should have went back to hating her. But I didn't and I regret it. Well, not entirely.

A part of me will always love her. A part of me will always want to be with her, to be able to kiss her when I want and to hold her hand. A part of me will always be jealous when she's with someone else. A part of me will always think about what could have been and what should have been.

Fuck.
I love her.
How the fuck – and when the fuck – did this happen? I knew a part of me always had, always would. But those were past and future tense. I love her. Present tense. I fucking love her.
God damn it, Baker. How the fuck could you let this happen? You know what she did to you. You know how bad she hurt you, how deep those wounds run. You don't fucking want to go through that again, do you? Jesus fucking Christ.

I want to pull my hair out. My heart is being tugged in to different directions. I want to run, hide. I also want to run to her. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her.
Fuck.

I'm so over these conflicting emotions. I just need to sit down with the largest bottle of Jack I can find and figure out what the fuck it is what I want.

But what if I choose her and she decides she doesn't want me. What if she just enjoys the chase, and once she has what she wants she decides to let it go.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
I'm over thinking.
Okay, calm the fuck down, Baker. Calm down.

“Hey, you okay?”

I look up to whoever speaking to me. Matt.

“Yeah, dude.” I answer. “I'm fine.”

Matt raised a brow at me. He didn't believe me and I wasn't in the right mind to make him. “You want to talk about it?” He asks me.

No. Of all people, he is not the one I want to talk to about this. I take a deep breath. “I'm just thinking about Evelyn,” I tell him honestly.

This catches Matts attention. He sits down beside me. “What about her?”

“I don't know. She's just been on my mind a lot lately,” and that was the understatement of the year.

“What do you mean? Because of the funeral? I'm sure she's fine, Evelyn is a strong girl. She probably just needs to mourn alone. That's what she did when she lost her brother,” Matt tells me.

I wouldn't know how Evelyn mourned her brother, I was too busy hating her. Too busy acting like she didn't exist. I wasn't worried about her, either. That's not why she was on my mind. I was reluctant to tell Matt and I wasn't exactly sure why. He played a role in us breaking up – that was one reason. I also wasn't sure if I wanted to admit out loud what I was feeling. It didn't matter though. Matt has known me for almost my entire life.

He knew. “Oh, man,” Matt said quietly. “You fell in love with her.”

I didn't know what to say. It was the truth, there was no point in denying it. I nod. “Yeah.”
Matt nods too. “And you're scared of getting hurt.” It's not a question but I nod anyways. “That's tough,” he tells me. I agree. We're silent for a long time. “Well,” Matt finally speaks up after minutes of silence. “I'll tell you what, if you love her – really love her, I think you should try. I know she cares about you, so why not? Just go talk to her. Tell her how you feel.”

I want to ask him what if she doesn't really feel the same way. What then? How am I supposed to feel then? But I don't. I just keep my mouth shut. A few more silent minutes pass. “I think I'm just going to go home,” I tell him standing from the sofa. “Before I make any rash decisions,” I add.

Matt looks disappointed but I don't care. It's not his life that he could potentially be ruining. It's not his heart that would break at the first sign or rejection. “Okay,” he tells me standing from the sofa and patting me on the back. He gives me a reassuring smile and I try to return it.

I say goodbye to the guys and head out of the building and to my car. I'm just going to go home. I'm gonna go home and drink a little and sort this out. Everything will be fine. Maybe I'll call her when I get home. She hasn't returned any of my calls since the last time I seen her but maybe she's been busy. Don't worry about that. Just go home, have a couple of drinks, sort out these feelings and maybe give her a call. Yeah, that's a good plan.

Well, that was the plan. I don't know what the fuck happened from the recording studio to my house but I somehow ended up at the airport with a one-way ticket to New York in my hand. I boarded the plane without luggage. We flew across the country and I stood there, in front of Evelyn's house. I walked to her front door and I told myself to turn back; to go home.

I didn't listen to myself. Instead I rang the doorbell.

I'm going to throw up.

The door opens and Evelyn stands there. She looks surprised to see me. “Zack, what are you…” I kiss her.

I run my hand through her dark hair and I just kiss her. And kissing her had never felt so good. Her kiss warmed me, it made me feel good. Kissing her made my worries and fears disappear.

“I love you.”

Notes

Yay! Zack finally admitted to his feelings!!

Now, for a tad bit of bad news. The next chapter is number 20 and it will be the last. Not forever! Just for a few weeks, maybe a month due to holidays and also i want to figure out where i want to go with this story. So, this will be going on a hiatus for just a little while. I promise I wont be like some writers and say I'm going to finish something i never do. I will start writing regularly for this one no later than January 1st. As of right now, all of my stories will be continued regularly. So, thank all of you for being patient and as always thank you so much for the feedback! Another thing I'm wanting to do is rewrite Truth or Deal, so maybe that will happen in the future too. Chapter 20 will be posted either Friday or Saturday.

Thanks to Hollie, kaylakakes, MeRi, foREVer-A7X, imagine fiction, and Billiehobo for commenting

Title credit: From First to Last "Regrets and Romance"