Enough

The next few days passed by quickly. The guys made sure to keep me busy and I was rarely left by myself. I knew everyone was being overprotective of me because they didn't want me to feel alone since I was now the only single one out of the bunch, and I knew they didn't want me to miss Jake. I also knew they didn't want me to want to go back to him. To be honest, I hadn't thought about going back to him very much. I loved him, yes but I knew he was a dangerous man and I knew I couldn't stay with him.

Val, Michelle, Gena and Lacey were all getting ready to leave for Paris for a couple of weeks and today we were having a cook out before their plane departed in the morning.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" Gena asked.

I nodded. "I'm sure. You guys are going to have so much fun though!"

Michelle agreed. "We will definitely bring you back some souvenirs."

I laughed. "Okay." We walked through Zack and Gena's house and out the back door onto their back porch. I looked around and got a funny feeling in my stomach when I noticed Zack standing in front of his grill. He had a beer in one hand, a spatula in the other and an apron that said "kiss the cook" around his neck.

I walked over to him, grabbing a beer from the ice chest on my way over and opened it. "Do I really have to kiss you again?"

Zack looked at me confused and then laughed when I motioned to his apron. "Oh," he chuckled. "Gena bought it for me and insists I wear it."

I nodded and brought my beer to my lips. "You never told me you asked her to marry you."
Zack flipped another burger and then turned to me. "She told you?" I nodded. "It was a mistake," he said and I got that funny feeling in my stomach again. Was I coming down with something?

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

Zack licked his lips and looked at me. "It was a couple of weeks after Jimmy's funeral. I think we were all feeling a little vulnerable, a little lonely. I loved her, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and so that's what I told her." He took a long drink of his beer.

"Loved?" I asked when that funny feeling hit me again. Zack raised his eyebrows at me, again confused. "You said you loved her. Past tense."

"Oh," he said. "Well, you know what I mean."

I nodded and took another drink of my beer. I decided to drop it and we stood together in silence until Matt walked over.

"You better not be burning those burgers, Z.V." Matt laughed and then beckoned me to the house.

"Shut the fuck up," Zack laughed and I followed Matt.

He opened the back door for me and I went in. The house was empty as everyone was outside, so I just stood a few steps into the doorway unsure of what he wanted.

Matt walked in and closed the door behind him. "Bekah, we still haven't talked about everything Jake put you through."

I sighed, I knew that. "Do we have to do this right now?"

Matt shook his head. "No, but we do need to talk about it." I took a deep breath and nodded.

"I know," I told him. "I'm not backing out, I just don't want to ruin any good days, and I've had good days recently."

"I understand," Matt told me. "Can we talk about it while Val is gone? I know you don't want anyone else to know, and I respect that, even though I hate keeping things from my wife and our friends."

"It's not that I don't want them to know," I explained. "But you are going to look at me differently when you find out. So will they. I'm not ready for it yet."

"Bekah, what happened? What did he do to you?"

I opened my mouth to vaguely reply when the door opened and revealed Val. "Zack said dinner is ready," She said. The three of us walked out of the house and joined the others who were making their plates.

Fifteen minutes later, Lacey pulled me out of a zone I was in and I noticed everyone was halfway through their plates and I hadn't even touched mine. "Bekah, you okay?" She asked me.

"Oh, yeah," I told her and picked my burger up off my plate. I stared at it for a moment and then set it back down. "Actually, I'm going to go."

"What?" Brian asked.

Johnny laughed, "We know Zack's cooking isn't the best but don't go, Bekah."

I gave a small laugh and Zack flipped Johnny off. "No, that's not it. I just...I think I'm going to go see Jimmy. I wasn't allowed to visit his grave before and I've been thinking about him a lot lately so I think I'm going to go do that." I stood up from the table.

Zack caught my eye and wiped his mouth on his napkin. "I'll go with you." He stood up as well.

"Zack," Gena said in a hushed tone from beside him. "I'm leaving tomorrow; I'd kind of like to spend time with you."

"I'll be back in a couple of hours," he told her. He looked back at me and gave me a reassuring smile. "Plus, Beks hasn't been there before; she'll need someone to show her where to go."

I glanced at Gena and noticed she didn't look very happy but she didn't protest. "Zack, you don't have to. I can find it."

Zack shook his head, "Come on."

"Bye guys. Have fun, if I don't see you before you leave!" I told Michelle, Gena and Lacey. I turned to Val, "I'll see you tonight."

"Okay," she smiled.

Zack and I walked away and back into the house. "Zack you really should stay with Gena. I don't want to cause any problems."

Zack shook his head and grabbed his keys and wallet off the counter. "You're not." He gave me another reassuring smile and we walked through the house and out the front door.

Zack unlocked the doors to his Mercedes Benz, and I got in the passenger side while he climbed into the driver’s side. He started the car and pulled out of the driveway.

"I know you can do this alone," he told me. "I'm not going because I don't think you won't be able to handle it. I just want to be there for you in case you need it."

I got that weird feeling in my stomach again. "Thanks."

Zack nodded and continued to the cemetery where Jimmy was buried. I wasn't sure why I wanted to visit him; I wasn't even sure what I was going to say to him when we got there. I did know that this was going to be hard though. I was so angry with myself for missing his funeral, for not being there when he needed me, for not being able to say good bye.

Zack pulled into the cemetery and drove further in until he reached an area of tombstones. He pulled over and turned the car off. "It's just a few rows that way," he told me pointing, "next to the road. I can go with you, if you'd like."

I shook my head. "I want to do this by myself." Zack nodded understandingly and I got out of the car.

I walked towards the area Zack pointed out and knew exactly which one was Jimmy's tombstone. Fans, friends, and family had been so gracious with their flowers and tokens.
Suddenly I felt bad for visiting empty handed. I fell to my knees in front of the tombstone.

BELOVED SON, BROTHER, BEST FRIEND
JAMES OWEN SULLIVAN
1981 - 2009
JIMMY JUMPED INTO LIFE
AND NEVER TOUCHED BOTTOM


Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion. Tears began to stream down my face and I sobbed quietly over his grave. It was like I was only just now realizing that I was never going to hear his voice again. I was never going to hear his crazy jokes or suggestions; I was never going to witness his antics again.

I wondered what Jimmy would think of the person I had become. I wondered if he would still love me and accept me. Then I realized that was stupid because Jimmy loved and accepted everyone unless they were harmful.

"I'm so sorry, Jimmy." I choked out. I should have been there for him. I should have been here when they lowered him into the ground. I should have been here for Zack, Brian, Matt and Johnny. I should have been here to help comfort Leana and Jimmy’s parents. What was I doing when they buried him? Where was I?

I tried to calm myself down. A red hot feeling filled my chest, and I was angry with myself. I was angry with Jake. This was his fault. I remembered hearing about Jimmy's death on the news. I remembered being upset, crying, pleading with Jake to let me come to the funeral.

I just wanted to say goodbye to my friend and he wouldn't let me.

I took deep breaths and eventually the tears stopped. I kissed my fingers and then pressed them against the tombstone. "I love and miss you, Jimmy." I murmured hoping he could somehow hear me, before getting to my feet and walking back to the car.

Notes

Sorry for the slightly late update! I got a new puppy so I've been a little busy!

I've officially finished this story! I wrote the last bit this morning! I'm so excited for you guys to read it. It makes me want to just post the rest of the chapters!

I've decided to write a side story to this one called Tonight the World Dies, which will be this story in Zack's POV! It will mostly be during the same timeline as this story, but the first chapter or so will be before Zack/the rest of the band is home from tour and the last chapter or so will be based shortly after this story. I haven't started writing it yet, but I'm hoping to get the first chapter out in the next few days. I'll let you all know when it's posted for those interested.

Thank you so, so much for reading. I hope you guys have enjoyed! I can't believe this story is already half way over! But don't worry, the last ten chapters are better than the first! Please leave feedback! I'll update again soon!

Title credit: Avenged Sevenfold "So Far Away"