The Way Your Heart Sounds

All sorts of thoughts raced through Lauren’s mind. Jimmy didn’t have his car with him, so how the hell could he just leave like that? Where would he even go? As soon as she got off the phone, she immediately called anyone she could think of that Jimmy would go to, and told them to let her know if he showed up. She started to brainstorm, thinking of places that he might have taken off to. This was just so unlike him. As all of the places buzzed through her head, she quickly went out to the car and started to drive.

She stopped by local bars, the beach, the bus stations, anywhere she could think of that he might be. But unfortunately, she saw no sign of him. Brian also went out to look for him with the rest of the guys when they got her phone call. Lauren’s biggest fear was that Jimmy would go out and overdose again, and no one would be able to save him this time. He needed to be home where she could keep an eye on him while he was still in such a fragile state. As she drove by another bar, her phone went off and she immediately picked up. It was Dr. Kramer.

“Did you find him?” she asked quickly.

“I did a little detective work, and I think he’s going to Beverly Hills.”

“The hell is he going all the way over there for?” she asked as she pulled the car over.

“I’m not positive, but I think he’s checking himself into a rehab center.”

“And he just left without telling anyone? What makes you think he’s going there?”

“When he left the hospital, he told his doctor he was going to check himself into rehab. When I first had a consultation with Jimmy, I recommended that he go to this one particular place in Beverly Hills because I know someone who works there. I called her, and she told me that someone with the last name Sullivan was checking in today, but with a different first name. I think he gave them a fake first name. I’ll find out for sure when he gets there,” the doctor explained. Lauren shook her head.

“I can’t believe you pieced all that together. So, I guess I’m going to Beverly Hills?” she asked.

“Lauren, I don’t think they’ll let you see him right now. Even if he asked to see you.”

Her heart sank for about the millionth time this week, and she frowned. He was right. Not only did Jimmy not want to see her, but he probably wouldn’t be able to anyway. She felt tears fall into her lap.

“He didn’t even say goodbye,” she whimpered, finally letting a sob escape her throat. She couldn’t believe that he would just take off without so much as a word, a phone call, nothing.

“I know this is hard. But it might be for the best. Maybe this is what he needs to do to really get through this,” the doctor said, sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I feel responsible for this because he was under my care.”

“You’ve been doing everything you can, don’t be sorry. I just feel like I suddenly lost him is all,” she said quietly. The tears were still flowing.

After hanging up with Dr. Kramer, she let the guys know that they could stop looking for him. She told his parents where he was, and was crushed when his mom told her that she knew Jimmy getting completely sober was too good to be true. Lauren should have made that realization herself. She was so blinded by her love for him, and just assumed that he had gotten through his addictions and was ready to start a new life.

What she really wanted to do was drive right out to Beverly Hills and demand to see him, but she knew that would just be a waste of time, so instead, she went home. She curled up in bed again and cried. Later that night, Dr. Kramer called her to tell her that it was definitely Jimmy, and that he was safe. While that made her feel a little better, she was still absolutely devastated over the whole situation.

She wanted answers. She still had no idea how long he had been lying to her for, or what else he was hiding from her. It was hard to not feel stupid for failing to recognize that he was using again. It was so hard for her not to blame herself.

Days passed, and it had been the longest she had gone without speaking to Jimmy since they started seeing each other. Even though she was incredibly angry and hurt, she still missed him terribly. The loneliness she felt being in their house alone was almost unbearable. The past few months, she had spent almost every day with him. To go from that to nothing was jarring to say the least.

The doctor kept her updated, let her know what Jimmy’s doctor over at the rehab was telling him. Apparently he was making good progress. She wanted to believe that so badly, but after the first time, she wasn’t sure if she could ever trust him the same way again.

Lauren was terrified to go back to work after what happened with Jimmy. She had no idea what her colleagues would think. The first day back at work was incredibly awkward, a lot of people would look at her without saying anything, which made her incredibly uncomfortable. Would it be weird of her to switch to a different hospital? She kind of just wanted to start over at this point, somewhere new that didn’t have such painful memories attached to it.

She sighed deeply as she came home from work one night to an empty house. Although the guys stopped by to visit when they could, she still wasn’t used to all this quietness. If there was one thing Jimmy wasn’t, it was quiet.

After a quick shower, she made her way back out to the kitchen to start something for dinner and go through the mail she picked up on her way in the door. As a pot of water started to boil, she went through the pile of mail and threw away the junk before she came across an envelope addressed to her name with no return address. Out of curiosity, she opened it and immediately recognized the messy handwriting.

Lauren,

You probably don’t want to hear from me right now, which is understandable. I can’t apologize enough for everything that’s happened. All I wanted was the best for you, I never meant for you to get caught up in all of my nonsense. You’re probably furious with me for leaving without saying goodbye, and believe me, it killed to do that. Sadly, I felt it was something I had to do. I needed to take charge of myself, you know? I hope this letter makes sense. My thoughts are still disjointed, but I’m slowly starting to piece them together.

As of today, I’m two weeks sober. It seems like nothing, and yet it’s everything. This is real, this time. I’m not lying anymore. Well, I didn’t lie last time. I did get sober, but I also got back on the pills and alcohol again. I’m not as strong as we both thought I was, but that’s okay. I’m working on it.

I have no idea how long I’ll be here. They’re thinking maybe another month or two, depending on how it goes. I’m dying to see you, but I know I need to fix myself before that. I’ve put you through too much, more than anyone else would tolerate, most likely. All I want to do is get healthy, so you and I can get married and live the life we’ve dreamed of. And if I come back and you decide that you don’t want to be together anymore, I would understand. You deserve to be happy no matter what, because you are the most incredible woman I have ever known.

Again, I’m sorry for throwing a wrench into our plan. I promise you I didn’t try to take my life on purpose, but I think I needed to be face to face with death in order to realize how quickly I needed to change my life. Please let the guys know I miss them, and I’m sorry to abandon them in the middle of the album. Hopefully they get why I had to do it. Hopefully you do too.

All my love,
Jimmy

Notes

<3 Thank you for reading! Only ten more chapters to go.