Brian's POV
The next few months we really tried to just be normal. As much as I wanted time to slow down, it seemed to go faster than ever. Tour dates in July, August and September were postponed. Penny wanted to be upfront with the public about her illness. She didn't want rumors and speculation, she felt it was best for all of us. For the most part, the fans were very supportive.
By Thanksgiving, she had to start pacing herself and rest more often. When we had to walk long distances (like the airport) we used a transport chair. Otherwise, she could still get around with a cane.

It was time to start making plans and talking about arrangements. I didn't want to talk about when she was gone. She insisted that she had something she wanted to say to me.
"Bri, we need to talk about you and what you're going to do when I'm gone."
"I'm not ready to talk about that."
"Can I at least say what I want to say? All I'm asking is that you listen." I nodded.
"I want you to move on. I hope you meet someone, maybe start a family."
"You really want that? You want me to marry someone else?" I asked.
"I want you to be happy. I do hope you remember me."
"I will never forget you and I will always love you. I will not be with anyone who can't respect that."
She smiled and said. "That makes me happy." I could tell she was trying not to cry.

At Christmas it was clear that traveling was getting to be too much. We celebrated Christmas in Ohio. I was happy that we were there for the twins second Christmas. They were both very bright beautiful girls. They walked early and were already talking like children much older. You couldn't deny the underlying sadness, but we all did our best to make it a special Christmas for Layla, Lola and also for Penny.

We flew to California and I knew this was her last trip. We stayed home on New Year's Eve. We had everyone over on New Year's Day. She knew it would probably be the last time she would see them.
As we left the house for the airport, she cried because she knew it was the last time she would be at our home.
I tried to be strong through it all. I didn't want her to see me cry. Watching her say goodbye to everyone in California and seeing her leave our home there for the last time was when all I had shut out came crashing down on me. This was it, the day was coming when I would lose her forever. When we were back in Ohio, I knew I needed to get myself together. As soon as Penny was settled in at home and she was asleep, I went outside. I sat in the gazebo and cursed God again, I even begged him once again to make her well. But I had to face it, she was being taken from me.

Nothing can prepare you to watch the person you love slipping away before your eyes. Thank goodness she wasn't in a lot of pain; I don't know how I would've handled that.

Our Day Has Come.
As Penny grew weaker, she made plans of how she wanted her last days to be, what she wanted for her service and to be cremated. She wanted her ashes to be mixed with the baby she lost, so they were together. She also had other wishes for them, one was lockets for the girls and Chloe with some of her ashes inside. I helped her get everything set. I tried so hard to be strong for her.

When it was time for hospice to come in, she wanted only Chloe and I to be there. She didn't want the twins or anyone else seeing her like that.
The last time she saw the twins; she gave them both the lockets engraved with a purple paisley pattern. She told them that Mommy was going to keep these very special lockets and let them have them when they were older. They both hugged her and said " Love you Nana."
Penny said "Nana will always love you and always watch over you."
Penny was starting to cry, so was I and I could tell Chloe was also. Max went to the girls and said, "I bet Nana and Bri have some ice cream! Let's go see." They girls went running to the kitchen. Max walked up to Penny and held her hand for a moment and went to catch up with the girls. Over the next few days, she said goodbye to her family and friends.

So now it was just a hospice nurse, Chloe and me. Penny seemed to be getting weaker and weaker every day, she insisted that Chloe help her brush her hair every day and put some makeup on so she looked good for me. She was barely 90 pounds if even that, I would carry her wherever she wanted to go in the house and I made sure the house was filled with vases of purple roses.

One evening, Penny said "Hey Junior, let's go out to the garden."
"Mom, it's February it's freezing outside." Chloe said.
"Sweetheart, I know what month it is and I even know what day it is. I love you baby girl always." She said and held Chloe's hand. Chloe kissed her forehead.
"I love you Momma" Chloe was trying to hold back her tears.
I jumped in "Anything for you, Princess Penelope." She wanted to be outside in the garden and she was going to get to go. I took her out to the gazebo where we had spent so much time, laughing, dancing and even making love. She seemed to see the Garden in full bloom rather than the gloom of that February day. "The garden is so beautiful, thank you. I love you and I'll always be with you. Remember, we are connected." She whispered.
"I whispered "Thank you for loving me, Penny. You will always be my heart." I realized this was the dream that had tormented me for so long.
Then she sang very softly. "Children still play in the garden. Dance as the sun slips away." Then she took one last deep breath. I sang the next line "Not even stars last forever" I fell to my knees with her in my arms and cried.
I felt Chloe's hand on my shoulder, "Brian, she's gone. We need to take her inside." Chloe was crying.
Penny died on February 4th. Our 3rd wedding anniversary and her 50th birthday.

Don't Shed a Tear Now
I took Penny in and laid her in our bed and I just sat there in the room with her. I wanted her to wake up and say "Hey Junior." The hospice nurse made the necessary phone calls. I told Chloe to go home and hold her girls, she said she would call everyone. That was good, because I really didn't want to talk to anyone.

After they took her away, I went to her art studio. I looked around at what was one of her favorite places. She created here, she brought places and people to life on canvas. Now her life was over and I was alone. I went crazy, I started throwing things around. Smashing canvas after canvas against the walls, yelling why didn't you go to the sooner Penny? I finally just dropped to the floor, sitting there and crying. I was so tired and so empty inside. I hadn't slept more than a couple of hours at a time during the last week. I didn't want to miss any of the time I had left with her. Of all days it had to be today, a day we should have been celebrating our third wedding anniversary. A day that she had originally dreaded turning 50 on, instead her life ended on this day.

Then Jimmy sat down beside me on the floor. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of this." He said.
"It's not your fault. I just don't know what to do now."
"I made a promise to Penny, I told her I would help you both." He said. "This is my gift to both of you."
"This is one fucked up gift! How was this helping her or me? She's gone, just like you're gone. I don't understand how this is a gift to either one of us. Am I going to dream she talks to me too?"
"How do you know that you're dreaming? You will know what the gift is when it is time and you will know what to do. It will be up to you."
"Up to me to do what? You're talking in riddles." I said.
"It will all make sense soon, I promise. By the way, you like talking to me and you know it. This is the last time I will be able to talk to you for a while. You have to know what to do and you need to do it right away."
"I wish I knew what you are talking about. Why won't we be able to talk?"
"I've kind of used up my quota for now. Don't worry, I'll be back. Later, my friend."

He was gone as quickly as he appeared. I hoped he was right, but right then I couldn't think about anything but my own pain. I went to the garage and got in her Mustang. I needed to drive, to drive the memories out of my head and the pain from my heart. I pushed the car to its limits and broke just about every traffic law possible. Part of me was hoping I would wreck and be with her and Jimmy. Then I saw headlights coming toward me from the right, but somehow I was in the passenger seat...

Notes