My Fucking Nightmare

She was here. Enormous brown eyes, head full of hair, babbling utter nonsense. She was here. The most delicate human being I’d ever laid eyes on. I wouldn’t dare hold her. Something about that tiny little frame haunted me. The damage I found myself able to inflict on rapists was…shocking, and I couldn’t taint her with that. Not yet.
I could see Melissa in her everywhere. Her smile, her grouchy face. My heart shattered into millions of pieces when she cried. Babies cried a lot, yes. I know. Only the first thing she ever cried about was being held by Brian. The moment he looked down on her, cherishing this beautiful tiny thing, she wouldn’t dare sit still. She wouldn’t adhere to his love and adoration. He tried soothing her as much as he could. Panicked, he wasn’t sure how to maintain a child in his arms while knowing his newlywed wife was still in surgery.
The doctor emerged from the operating room doors, eyes mixed with both fear and certitude, his gown covered in blood and amniotic fluid. “She’s in recovery.” He muttered, his mouth still covered by the mask. That’s all I heard. She’s in recovery. She’s alive, she’s okay. “Melissa lost a lot of blood in a post-birth hemorrhage. There was a mild issue we weren’t able to detect in her ultrasounds throughout her pregnancy with the trauma she endured so early. It was partial placenta Previa, which caused her to bleed heavily after birthing the placenta.” I gagged silently. Forgot about that part. “Fortunately the bleeding was a lot milder than we expected. She did not need any transfusions, but will be on monitored bedrest for about a week. Congratulations, sir.” He shook Brian’s hand. I fumed.
We met glances. “Wanna take her? I need to see Melissa. Don’t want to wake her with all the crying and screaming.”
Hesitant, I reached out and pulled her into my arms. She stopped crying damn near immediately. Ha, your move, Mr. Gates. She cooed, looking up into my eyes, grabbing for my nose. I could have cried. Brian, watching intently, smiled and asked me to follow him to recovery.
We found her partially awake, very groggy from the meds. Her pregnancy glow was still there. “Hey,” she weakly whispered, fighting the sedatives to be able to sit up and see us. “She’s beautiful.”
“She’s got your eyes, Liss.” Brian whispered. “Your eyes and your smile.”
As the doctor said a few moments ago, she bled a lot. I saw the remnants of some of the blood soaked into her gown that they probably missed while transferring her to recovery. My stomach twisted, remembering just how bloody she was when we got to the hospital the night of the incident so long ago.
Melissa let out a slight cough, reaching her arms out for the baby. I passed her down, careful with her neck as those books nailed into my head. “What should we call her?” she asked Brian, looking up at him.
“I had a few ideas in mind. But all I had were boy names.”
She laughed and stroked the mop of dark hair on the little one’s head. “I like Audrey.”
“I like that.” Brian sighed, keeping his hand on her shoulder. “Better not fuck with her. Audrey Haner. Yes, let’s go with that.”
“Audrey…Annabelle Haner.” She added. “Not bad…for only being in there for eight months. She’ll be a fighter.”
At that point, I broke into silent sobs. A fighter just like her mother, I thought. Brian’s gaze shot over at me, worriedly, and then back to his wife. “I’m proud of you, Melissa. You’re a fighter. I’m gonna let everyone know. They’ll all probably show up at once. Might get pretty loud, so I hope she can handle it.”
Melissa sighed. “She’ll…get used to it.” I smiled, passing a weak glance at mother and daughter. While I leaned back in the chair, I could do nothing but watch. Until a nurse came in after god knows how long and advised me to leave, as Melissa would need to breast feed soon. I wished her well and left the room to join Brian meeting with everyone in the quiet hospital halls. They all remarked on my red, puffy eyes. I played it off as a lack of sleep.
“Well, how is she, man?” Zack probed, attempting to get a look into the room before the nurse pulled the curtain over. We could all hear the whining and cooing of little Audrey as she bonded with her mother. I felt Jimmy’s eyes on me. I knew he was waiting to say something and I’d hoped that he had the decency to wait until we weren’t in the others’ company.
Brian took a deep breath and sat down in one of those awful waiting room chairs. “She’s…perfect. There was a slight complication, but she’s great. Melissa’s great. Everyone is great.”
“And a name?” Jimmy asked. “Tell me you picked something worth all that bullshit. A name that tells a story, like Joan of Arc.”
“Yeah, no.” Brian laughed. “Audrey Annabelle Haner.”
“AAH! Her initials!” Jim squealed. “Kinda like the noise you made when you saw its head come from her—”
I snorted. It was hard to keep a straight face when all I wanted to do was both laugh and cry in whatever insanity was starting to swallow me. “Thanks for the image there, Jim.”
“Not like you’ve never seen a vagina before.” He cackled. “Oh, Brian, we’re happy for you guys, man. When can we look at the little squawker? She doesn’t seem to be doing so hot down there.” Our attentions fixed back on the baby’s cry from down the hall. “Brian, go check it out, man.”
“No, the nurse kicked me out. She needed time to bond with Melissa without us there. Hope she’s doing okay.”
Zack yawned and sat beside Brian. “Welcome to fatherhood. Babies cry, everything is going to be your fault, and it doesn’t sink in until the third or fourth night of not getting any sleep. You’re gonna do fine, Bri.” I rolled my eyes. Why was this so hard to handle?
From behind the curtain, Melissa called out to us to come down and see her. I guess the baby must have finally latched on. Maybe the breastfeeding thing would wig Johnny out, though, so I told him that kids can’t come. “Fuck off, Shads.” He sneered with a sleepy smile on his face, punching me in the shoulder as he normally did.
Together we walked to the end of the hall, both Brian and I taking charge. I couldn’t wait to hold her again, to show her that I was the one who didn’t make her cry. Though we found her neatly nestled between Melissa’s arms and breasts, her face buried against her mother’s chest wrapped tightly in a blanket. “My god, she’s amazing.” Zack whispered, kneeling down to tousle the stringy, black hair mess. Audrey grappled with his hand, squeezing his finger with an almost inhuman strength. “Watch out, boys. She’ll be a killer.”
Johnny took his turn, kneeling down toward the sleeping infant. Probably unsure what to say. “You know, kid,” he began, checking back at all of us to make sure we heard him. “These guys are probably going to say a lot of mean things in the near future. Comparing us in both size and stature, you know. But I just want to tell you not to take offense to any of it. I mean, you can’t be as awesome as your uncle Johnny.”
I kicked him in the foot and he stumbled to his feet in muffled laughter. “Get out of here, runt. Let the kid have some breathing room.”
“Johnny may be your size, kiddo, but I’m definitely the coolest.” Jimmy whispered, standing next to Melissa’s gurney. He fiddled with a couple of the controls, raising and lowering the upper portion of the bed, the lower part. “I’ll teach you how to be a terrorist when your mom and dad aren’t around.”
Brian and Liss beamed in the company of us all. Truly, it was a blessed moment. All the jealousy aside, I couldn’t believe that through thick and thin, what came into this world took away all that pain. The reminders of an evil time where nothing would go right.
Baby was roused by the sound of the ridiculously loud flush of the toilet. Zack emerged, his embarrassment and disappointment screaming sorry to Melissa who rocked the little bundle of noise back to sleep. The nurse came back in, passing around a generally dissatisfied look, telling us to go the fuck home without actually saying it. “New moms need rest, you know. With everything your wife went through today I don’t want to have to ask you all to come back when she’s had some sleep.”
“No, maybe it’s a good idea that we all go home for a bit.” Zack muttered, yawning. “When Melissa wakes up I’m sure the girls will want to see her. Gina was pretty freaked out this morning when I got the call.”
Nodding in agreement, we all said our goodbyes to Melissa and left. I asked Brian to take me home, insisting that I take some time to myself, and that I’d come by later on and help him clean up the mess over a beer or two. For a while we’d have to say goodbye to the party life, something I wouldn’t miss for a while. All the same, we were on an indefinite hiatus from any record-making, touring bullshit. Phil wasn’t pleased but he knew we were all pissed at him for not having our backs in the last year.
For now, I needed time alone. To ponder and reflect on my mistakes and shortcomings, and figure out how the hell I was going to fix them for the future. This kid, and all the greatness she brought into this world, needed to see the greatness we all had to offer. I knew Brian was submissive in the way of letting all of us step in as fathers, giving our two cents here and there. We were, after all, a family.

Notes