My Fucking Nightmare

I wasn’t Synyster Gates anymore. I wasn’t a hardened shell of a metal band rock star who sang and performed on stage. The millions of fans didn’t matter anymore. When Audrey was born, I was given a new life. Rather, a new outlook on life. A chance to become something that years ago I never thought I’d want to do. I was a father now, and my new life looked more promising than anything I’d done before.
I didn’t remember much the night of her birth. It must have been the exhaustion talking, maybe the excitement. A combination of the two. After the wedding I was given a couple hours of sleep, only to wake to wet sheets and blankets and a screaming new wife who had gone into labour. Eight hours following that moment, I was holding my daughter, crying without certainty that I’d be any good at this dad crap.
After the nurse kicked us out I went home. I wanted to sleep, to let everything sink in, but first I changed the sheets. This morning as we jumped out of bed I never noticed the thick red puddle from where Melissa slept. Upon seeing it, my stomach churned, going back to that dark place where we found her puddle of blood in Matt’s garage. The puddle of blood I could have prevented, had we stayed in the first place. I was still so angry and vengeful, regardless of the damage Matt dealt to them, or the time I spent guarding the hospital room. Day in day out, hoping I’d be able to get revenge of my own.
And for that, I was glad that I wasn’t Synyster Gates. Maybe down the road, when the dust settled a bit, I’d pick up a guitar again. I’d play and write songs again. However, for now, I needed to make sure that nothing bad would ever happen to my family again. I’d spill blood to ensure it. No record label or shitty manager or angry fan would ever come between us again. No amount of money in the world was worth it.
So I threw the sheets away. No sense in washing them, holding onto that awful reminder of a dark time. They would stink anyway. After lining the bed with fresh fabric, I face-planted my pillows and let the softness of my mattress carry me away to a much-needed and well deserved slumber.
Several hours passed and I woke from my dreamless nap. Still not feeling that rested, I decided it would have to wait for another night, and got up to assess the damage in my backyard. I got married yesterday, I thought, beaming. Then I said it out loud. Again, and again. “I got married yesterday. I have a baby.” Was there really anything else I needed from this life? Hell, no.
About twenty minutes or so into cleaning, there was a knock on my door, and behind it stood my parents. Mom was teary-eyed as usual. Dad had a look in his eye I hadn’t yet seen. “Is it true, Brian? Was she born this morning?”
“Yes, she sure was. Audrey Annabelle Haner, seven pounds and six ounces. The most beautiful face I’d ever seen. Aside from my wife, of course.” Dad pulled me into a strong hug and mom joined in at our sides. “I can’t wait for you to see her.”
Dad cleared his throat. “Well, we need to make sure this place is baby-proof for when she comes home. Is the nursery set up yet?”
“Barely,” I admitted. We just got caught up in wedding plans that we never had time for preparing for baby. “We thought we had at least two more weeks.”
Mom started in the kitchen. “Well, she was a few weeks early then, wasn’t she?”
“Yeah.” I flatly sighed. “Melissa had some complications, too. Said she had some kind of problem with the placenta. Lost a lot of blood.” Made me sick to my fucking stomach, still.
Dad passed me a beer from the fridge. “Your mom had something like that happen when we had your sister. Hemorrhage, blood loss. Whatever it was, their bodies are designed to deal with it. Hope you aren’t too worried, son. Your wife has been through a lot.”
I rolled my eyes, sipping back some beer. “Yeah, enough for a fucking lifetime. I don’t know how much more I’d be able to take.”
He patted me on the shoulder, setting his bottle down to help mom with the dishes and picking up what garbage was left behind. The kitchen wasn’t even that bad; it was the back deck that took the worst of the crowd. “Take it on faith, Brian. Let it roll in with the waves, the good…”
“And the bad. I know. I’m gonna start picking up stuff outside.” When I stepped out I watched Matt’s truck roll up and park on the grass behind the gate. He hopped the chain fence and greeted me with a hug and a handshake. “Hey, man.” I muttered.
“Any news?” he asked, fixing the brim of his ball cap. Adjusting his shades. “Couldn’t really sleep much. Too excited probably.”
I stuffed pop cans into a black garbage bag after passing him a black bag too. “No, she hasn’t called. Mom and dad are in the kitchen. Beer in the fridge.” He tossed a stack of used Styrofoam plates into the bag before disappearing into the kitchen to grab a beer. I could hear my dad’s raspy yelling as they greeted each other like always. Big man versus big man. They both came out a few minutes later, beers in hand, ready to take on the disaster I’d already started on.
It took about an hour to put a dent into the mess. I wanted to wait ‘til we had more help to begin disassembling the electrical equipment. I didn’t want to risk anything falling into the pool, despite having covered it already. Murphy’s Law fucked with me too much when it came to dropping electric shit in water and I didn’t need to waste more money replacing my stuff with a newborn here.
I heard the phone ring inside, and my mom’s shrill voice pick up. She came out and passed it on to me. “Hey.” I answered, unsure who to expect on the other side.
“Hello, husband.” Came Melissa’s voice through the receiver.
My face lit up and I dropped what I was doing. “Hi, honey. How are we doing? How’s baby?”
“She’s…well. Sleeping lots, crying even more. Oh god, she looks just like you.” My eyes welled up. Back to the pitiful sobbing again. “The doctor says we can come home tomorrow if I pass all the tests. Haven’t bled at all in the last couple hours.”
I sighed in relief. “Good, good. We’re all here cleaning up. Making sure it’s safe for you two to come home again. I want to come back and see you, baby.”
She chuckled silently. “It would be nice, but wait until she’s awake again. You guys are all pretty loud.”
“Don’t rope me in with those assholes.” I choked out through tears. I was an ugly crier, but laughing while ugly crying was a whole other level of ugly. “Okay, well let me know when she’s awake and I’ll get down there. I love you.”
“I love you too. Oh, they found out what caused the hemorrhage. Maybe you should talk to the doctor when you get here because I feel like an idiot when it comes to doctor speak. Apparently I was carrying twins.”
Uh, what? “What happened to the other?”
“It…didn’t make it. Let’s talk about it later, okay?”
“Okay. Love you, see you later.” I hung up and set the phone down on one of the folding tables, unsure of what to think.
Matt saw me standing there, looking lost. “You okay? Was that her?”
I cleared my throat and bounced right back to what I was doing. “Uh, yeah. I guess they found something weird happened during the pregnancy. Something about an absorbed twin. She didn’t tell me much.”
“Absorbed twin? That’s fucked up, man.”
I didn’t want to talk about it. Until she called again, all I wanted to do was tidy up. Mom offered to take me downtown and get the rest of the stuff we didn’t have. As nice as it was of her to offer, I didn’t have the energy to go shopping today. Not with worrying about Melissa as much as I’d been doing today. And now with this discovery, I wasn’t sure if it would complicate anything or not.
Matt took my silence with discretion. I silently thanked him and apologized. Over the next hour my back yard began looking like my back yard again, giving us only another half hour to mingle before I got another call from the hospital. “Baby’s awake,” I told everyone, leaving no time to fuck around before climbing into my truck to head back to the hospital.
Mom saw the baby and bawled like an idiot for twenty minutes. To be expected, I mean, it was a mom thing I guess. I had to get used to all the tears. Gina and Jamie would be showing up soon, Gina hopefully leaving the kids at home with Zack so as not to startle Audrey. Dad had no idea what to think of the little thing in my arms. He scrutinized every detail of her face, making sure to find some weird flaw or quirk he’d use to make fun of his granddaughter down the road. Baffled, he threw his hands in the air he slapped his thighs. “Nope, I got nothin’, kid. You’re pretty perfect.”
“I can’t believe the full head of hair she has.” Mom added. “You or your sister never had that when you were babies.”
“My brother and I did,” Melissa softly remarked, taking the baby back from me as she began to get restless again. “Runs in the family. Twins do too. Brian, go see if you can find my doctor. He wanted to talk to you about the fetal absorption thing.”
Mom gasped, damn near dropping her glass of ice water she just poured. “Excuse me, what?”
“I was carrying twins at first, the doctor said. They didn’t pick it up on the first ultrasound because there was still some damage from when my ribs were broken. You know, the fall in the bathroom. And then after that I didn’t go back for another appointment for at least a month or so. By then you guys were already gone on tour. And well, there was that night…” she trailed off, looking down on Audrey with a sort of longing in her eyes. “So around that time I guess this one absorbed her twin. They said it doesn’t happen too often, but it does happen.”
The doctor joined us all in the room with a knock on the door. “Hi, everyone. I’m Doctor Montgomery. I delivered Audrey this morning and stitched Melissa back up as best I could. She gave us all quite a scare. Now, Brian, I wanted to discuss with you the complication your wife had today. Would you like us to talk in private?”
“No, no. They’re fine, they’re family.”
“Okay. When she birthed the placenta we found evidence of another fetus. There were indications that when you conceived your children, during development the cords were tangled and the other twin was not getting the nutrients it needed to survive. Normally the death of a second fetus results in absorption, which is what we were first led to believe. In this case, there was evidence left behind and disposed of with the placental tissue. I am very sorry, but there was simply no way of telling.”
I exhaled sharply, staring at the floor. Unsure of how to feel about it. A second baby? What would the odds have been of that? “Would her traumas have been the reason the second one didn’t make it?”
“Yes, that is entirely possible.”
Still cocooning Audrey against her breast, Melissa and I exchanged glances. “Thank you, doctor.” I sighed, comforting my wife with a hand around her neck. “At least Audrey is here and healthy.”
For the most part, I noticed, Melissa seemed unfazed. Happy as can be with our newborn cooing and drooling all over. I couldn’t stay mad or upset. Perhaps it was for the best? My mom hugged me and apologized for the shitty news, but I told her it was fine. If it didn’t affect Melissa, I needn’t worry.

Notes