My Fucking Nightmare

I have no idea when we fell asleep last night. I woke up with heavy, sore eyes from obvious crying. Matt fared no better. He didn’t even bother getting under the sheets. He left a pretty big pile of drool on the one pillow, smeared with a little bit of eyeliner and hair gel. It was still early, and despite being quite tired I decided to get up and dressed to head downstairs for some food at the buffet. Room service took too long and I was so drained that waiting and risking waking him up for another fight…well, it just wasn’t worth it.
I dressed in the bathroom trying to make as little noise as I could. After a debate about having a shower or not, I tossed my hair up in a messy bun and put on the nicest outfit I packed, since we’d also be seeing the medium today and I wanted to not look like my life was in this gigantic mess as it were. For the love of god, if I could just catch some traction and get out of the rut that was flicking mud and shit everywhere, there wouldn’t be an issue.
And yet, as usual per life’s wicked sense of humour, we all got knocked back down into the nasty puddle again. The medium would pick up on it if she was any good, and as sceptical as I was about the spiritual element of day-to-day existence I needed something solid and reassuring to give me a kick in the ass. Time to smarten up, get right. Although, what wrong had really been done?
The buffet line was short at this time of morning. Who wanted to wake up early after a Friday night in Vegas? So I grabbed a plate and loaded up on hash browns, bacon. Ham. Matt would need a plate too but I’d wait for him to wake before exposing him to the smell of this godlike-tasting food. He was notorious for plate picking.
Ugh, why was I thinking about Matt like he was my boyfriend—correction, fiancé—anyway?
Fuck it, I brought the plate back to my room and sat cross-legged on the bed, picking apart the bacon strips and shovelling the cheesy hash browns into my mouth. The smell made him stir for a few minutes, eventually rousing him in some confusion and eventually jealousy. He cleared his throat and pushed himself up off the bed over to my plate and pulled a strip of bacon for himself. Called it. “Good morning,” I sighed, setting the empty plate on the nightstand for the attendants to clean while we were away for the day’s endeavours. “We ought to go to the medium soon while it’s still early. It might take a while to get to the bottom of things.”
He took several moments to comprehend what I’d said. Men’s brains take so much longer to wake up than women’s. “I need a shower.”
“Okay…so go have a shower. I’ll be here when you get out. Better have brought some clothes. Don’t think these small crop tops would fit over your big head.” Okay, too early for humour. Fuck was it awkward. Like, the air was clogged with awkward. Why me?
Half hour passed and Matt stumbled out of the shower, still drowsy. All I heard was the commotion of his heavy ass bumping the toilet and vanity. It was nice that I couldn’t see or hear anything coming from his head. All the quiet in the world wouldn’t make up for the last twelve hours of peace I’ve had without hearing everything he’s thought about.
When the door opened, all that came out was steam and one slippery wet body wrapped loosely in a towel. “Don’t forget I’m here too.” I flatly blurted, my gaze forcefully focussed on the television so that looking at those jaw-dropping abs wouldn’t further deliver me to temptation. Not that Brian would ever know. But I still had my goddamn integrity.
When he dressed back up he headed downstairs for what I assume was a trip to the buffet. About fifteen minutes passed, and I began getting that familiar headache I got when I was about to hear stuff from his end. And then began his contemplation on what foods to grab, and what I’d like since he picked from my plate. How nice. “I want more bacon.”
His attention to my voice ringing clearly through his head made him almost drop his plate to the ground. I watched him load up probably triple of what I had and head back to the room. As he got closer the connection grew fainter. Never noticed that before.
He knocked twice but I was already at the door waiting. “I know you want to go to the medium right away. I just had to eat first.”
“No problem.” I chirped, stealing back a strip of bacon. “I should probably call her anyway.” It wasn’t a bad idea. Although if she was any good, wouldn’t she be able to tell that we were coming?
The phone rang three times and when the line opened up a cheery voice came over. An automated recording, it told us of her usual business hours. However right when I was about to hang up, the line switched over and I heard a live voice instead. “This must be Melissa. Hello, dear.”
Whoa. “Um, hi. Is this Liz? Liz Nowicki?”
“Yes, this is she. Zak informed me that you’d be calling. Would have been funnier if I just let you guess I saw your phone number in a dream or something.” She let out a shrill laugh. Almost deafening. Too early for that, Liz. “I’ve been informed you have a peculiar case on your hands. If you’d like to come by any time before noon I’d be more than glad to look into it. He didn’t give much detail, but what I could see and feel about it sparked a lot of my interest and I’d be honoured to give it my best shot.”
Hmm, okay. I don’t remember telling Zak about it at all. “Sure…whereabouts are you located?”
“Remember the Riviera from your last visit? I’m in a small plaza behind there. Little hole in the wall. You’ll know it when you see it.”
“Great, see you soon then.” I hung up and rested my head against the bed’s backboard. “That was weird. She could be the real deal, man.” I looked over, seeing that he was maybe three mouthfuls of hash brown to be finished the plate.
“Is anything as weird as what’s going on in our heads? I’m over it being weird. Now it’s just annoying as fuck.” He piled his plate on top of mine and leapt to his feet for the door. Sliding our shoes on I grabbed the room key and my wallet, reminding myself to head to the ATM in the lobby before leaving. “I’ll hail a cab.” Matt muttered, heading for the front door. I was certain he’d be hiding his face since there were bound to be at least several fans around who recognized him. Much to my surprise he didn’t quite care.
Once I got my money I met him out front with a cigarette between his lips. Up to the curb rolled a beautiful, polished Rolls Royce he must have requested. I wasn’t gonna pay for that, fuck me. Almost too nice of a car. Really hearse-like. The driver opened both passenger-side doors and in we climbed, Matt taking the back seat. I buckled myself in, tucking the cash away in the pocket of my pants, pulling out my phone simultaneously. Brian had sent me a good morning text with a separate I love you shortly succeeding. “The Riviera, please.” I instructed the driver. We sped off, waiting in ridiculous traffic for over ten minutes. A block or two before the Riviera I told him to pull into the next hotel lobby, where we’d walk the short distance. Save us a buck or two and save him the pressure of getting us there quicker.
I passed him a couple crisp notes and we made our way to the little plaza behind the Riviera where Liz would nobly be waiting. It was a chilly, windy morning. Weird for this time of year, but then again I was used to the sticky heat of the heart of Los Angeles.
Matt walked close to me, careful not to seem overbearing or overstepping. I didn’t mind. Walking around Vegas alone was far more concerning, and with this side of town being that the Riviera was closed down, I was certain that the foot traffic that came around wasn’t the regular. With it being off the strip, too, there weren’t as many touristy things around except for a little theme park and donut shop.
We found Liz’s shop where she said it would be, a woman of middle age waiting for us by the front door. She wasn’t dressed like one might expect a psychic to be dressed. Gypsy clothes, lots of jewelry. She looked like any regular woman with a bright smile on her face, blonde hair streaked with grey lit up from the morning sun. A blue cotton pullover and white capris to keep away dark undertones. My vibe from her was a peaceful one. No signs of scamming or anything to that sense.
“Thank you for coming.” She extended her hand to shake ours. “I suppose working with Zak and his crew has its perks. Meeting new people every day who are fans of the show. Surely you’re much different. He says several times he’s wanted to give you his thanks for the article. They’ve gotten many more viewers and followers since the article was published. My appreciation is extended. Please, come in, be seated. I’d like to offer coffee or tea?”
I shook my head. “None for me, thank you.” Matt, however, didn’t jump on a fresh cup of Joe. “I didn’t take out much. Not sure what you want for the reading.”
“Oh, my dear. No charge. You’re a mutual friend and friends get free readings. Plus the case piqued my interest, like I said. Although since you both walked in I can already sense some very powerful tension. Emotional and intimate. Lots of mixed feelings.”
“Well, how much did Zak say about it to you? I hardly told him a thing.”
Matt looked at me and scratched his forehead. “Harriet probably told him lots.”
“Ah, and now a bad vibe. You are the darker entity here, I can already tell. Suffering and sadness is what I see in you. Not death…though you did experience the effects of death. There is necrosis in your soul. Was it drugs? Alcohol? Medications?”
I felt Matt tense. Instinctively I grabbed his arm to calm him. “Harriet…Aaron’s girlfriend. She and Matt used to be married. She left him for Aaron after a few conflictions. It threw him into a dark place.”
“And you carry light within yourself, Melissa. Interesting how parallel you are to one another while being so much different. An exact opposite to the other. The Chinese called in Yin and Yang. In my research and study I call it the controversial idea of being soulmates. Made for one another. Compatible in most circumstances.”
Soulmates. What? “Please explain, I think there might be some mistake…aren’t soulmates supposed to get married?”
“Goodness, no. No, not at all. The existence of soulmates is, like I said, controversial. Some believe they are meant to marry. Others like myself believe they exist because two people share a mutual closeness in a spiritual manner. Your souls are conjoined. Light and dark. Life and death. You cancel each other out, in a sense. Whatever pain you carry…” she pointed at Matt, “…is healed in her presence. I see you are not coupled together.”
Again, Matt tensed. I gripped his arm tighter. “It’s…complicated,” I sighed.
“No, it really isn’t,” he blurted. “We had a moment. In the hospital, after they resuscitated me. After that I started picking up images, voices. In my head. It started making me crazy. And she now has it too.”
Nodding, I cut him off excitedly. “I got migraines for about a week, experiencing the weirdest dreams I’d ever had. The most memorable one was going to his house and having a gigantic fight, ending in some pretty indecent shenanigans. The next dream was me standing in his house watching him do everything as though I was actually there. It got worse every day. I started day dreaming it, and eventually his thoughts would pop into my head. Loud and clear. It doesn’t happen when we’re around each other, though.”
Liz looked baffled. “Well if that isn’t the strangest thing.”
“Is there something you can do about it?” Matt begged. She walked to her book shelves and perused the rows and rows of literature. I hoped she’d find something. Matt sighed in frustration, and I looked longingly at him unsure of what to say. Unsure of what she’d say, if she’d find anything.
After skimming through some books, she grabbed what few were relevant and came back to us, one very old book open to a faded page. “Have either of you heard the story of Osiris and Isis? They were siblings who married, rivalled by their other siblings. Their brother, Set, killed Osiris in jealousy and when Osiris and Isis conceived their child, Horus, Set cut Osiris into pieces. Out of love, Isis brought him back together again, save for one piece destroyed by the elements of life and nature.”
“So you’re saying I died, got torn up, and put back together by her.” Matt was sceptical. Probably more sceptical than I was. But this story was enthralling, and I’d heard it before. “So what’s the end game? Why can I hear what’s going on in her head and vice versa?”
Liz sighed, setting the book down in her lap. “It’s a soul-forged connection. The will of the entities in our world. There is no changing it, no denying it. I’ve heard of it happening on one other occasion.”
“Fairy tales, maybe. My life isn’t a fucking fairy tale, lady.” I slapped his arm with the back of my hand, tossing an angry look his way. “I’m sorry, Melissa. I’m just this dark figure with a black soul and a hatred for the world that didn’t have my back. Betrayed by my brothers. Given support by the one girl who shouldn’t have done what she has. This wasn’t your mess to fix. It’s mine and mine alone. I’m sorry, I just came here for a way to get the privacy of my mind back.”
“And I may have an answer for you. I just need your patience. Your trust. We will not discuss or disclose any information without your consent. But please, allow me to help you get to the bottom of this. Haven’t you wondered why you share the same last name?”
Matt looked at me and I looked at him. “You don’t think we’re siblings, do you?”
“Happened in Star Wars.” I shrugged, then laughed. Oh, god, the irony would have actually killed me. “Okay, Liz, you’ve got our attention. I wanna know everything you can offer. Matt will just have to wait and bear with it because I’m not walking back to the hotel alone.” I shot him a cute but threatening smile, forcing his hand and a very sarcastic eye roll.
“Well, fortunately for you both, Star Wars is fiction. Have you considered a siblingship test? Just to rule out that factor.”
“Seeing as I come from Indiana and remember pretty much all of my childhood and have photo evidence of my birth, I doubt I’m related to him.”
Matt nodded in agreement. “Me too.”
“Okay, well. Let’s not get too side tracked. Often in the event of a near death experience, the body goes through some changes. Subtle, barely noticeable, but changes do happen to tweak things that you may not notice right away. It would seem to me that in your case, something awoke within the depths of your mind, Matthew. I’m sorry, do you prefer Matt or Matthew?”
“No preference.”
She grunted and continued. “Well, I’d recommend maybe getting a neurological scan to see if any previously inactive parts of your brain are now, well, active. That would be the physical evidence part. Now, my other theory is that you’re both so aware of one another. She, like you said, was the one to help you through your crisis. Let me just clarify, exactly how sure are you that you can hear each other’s thoughts and things?”
I closed my eyes, thinking back to every single thing I ever heard Matt say in my head. “He sounds different in his head than he does out loud. I probably do too. But with the things he says, whether he’s dreaming or conscious, yeah. It’s definitely coming right from the source.”
“And you, Matt? Are you sure you’re hearing what she’s thinking?”
“As sure as I can be. I can see everything she’s doing like a movie. Makes for some really awkward stuff.”
She clapped her hands together and instructed us to grab each other’s hands and close our eyes. We did so, listening for the next instructions. I wasn’t sure just how weird this was going to get, but at this point I was prepared for just about anything. I smelled burning of some kind and my eyes shot open to find a small brush of sage smoldering in a black decorated vase. Liz began some odd chant in a language I didn’t recognize, and out of an uncertain fear of what might happen I clenched my eyes shut and focussed on holding Matt’s hands and keeping my balance. I felt a hand on the back of my head and he tensed, possibly feeling the same thing.
There came a warmness over me. A feeling of sincere peace. The room was quiet. Liz’s hand lifted off and her footsteps around the room continued. Her chanting grew louder, more furious. She stopped immediately with a gasp, telling us to open our eyes and look toward one another, focussing on each other’s eyes specifically. Seeing what we could see when the images came through.
The headache came back and oddly enough, through Matt’s eyes I could see a clear view of myself. “You have an entity about you, Matthew. Nothing physical. An energy that latched on in the hospital. It took me a while to pinpoint exactly what it was, thinking maybe it was a spirit. This energy is found in times of desperation, when you need your soulmate the most. Melissa’s presence in the hospital was more than enough for it to converge and, as I mentioned before, forge your souls together. A spiritual harmony.”
“What does it mean? Will we never get our privacies back?”
“Focus.” She yelled emphatically. “Let your conscience guide you to the truth you seek most. The entity is bent on casting all secrets out. Until there is nothing left to hide, you will carry on this way.”
Matt’s grip around my hands tightened. “I got all I needed to say out last night. Your turn now, girl.”
Choked, I clenched my eyes shut. Concentrated like she said on my innermost conscience. Coming to the realization that every single emotion I’d been feeling boiled down to one more thing I’d yet to confess: I too, was in love with Matt. That didn’t mean I didn’t love Brian, but Matt was obviously my soulmate according to this chick. I wasn’t gonna fight with spirits, not after what I’d seen in my last encounter at the Riviera. In that world there was a set agenda. No choice, just fate.
“Okay, here goes. This is the only thing I have left to tell, so it better work. I am, both irrefutably and regrettably, in love with Matt.”
“Regrettably? Really?” he pulled his hands away. “Just because I’m not Brian?”
“No, you’re not Brian. We’re not having this fight here, Matt, because we’re wasting her time.”
She snickered to herself. “No, don’t mind me. This is what the entity wants. I’ll just be here to mediate.”
Matt growled and tucked his head low to his chest. “So all that I said last night just doesn’t matter anymore, does it? That since you and Brian are engaged you can both live happy, lovey-dovey little lives and it doesn’t matter what happens to the rest of us because we’re just along for the ride? No, fuck that Melissa. Fuck that. Because you know it isn’t true. You know what you want and you’re too scared to chase it because Brian’s promised you everything you’ll never need in life. He’s weak and you know it.”
“And you’re so much better because you’re big, you can sing. You can play all the instruments and lead a band into this abyssal fame where you know you lost it all on that bender. Blaming everyone else for your shortcomings because you think no one had your back. They had your back, you just threw them all aside. Angry and alone and needing nothing but your ego to keep you in check.”
I heard Liz in the background walking about with her bush of sage, quietly chanting to herself. As embarrassed as I was to have to fight like this in her presence, it needed to be done and I could have a cab drop him off at the airport when it was over, rather than have him lock himself in my room and choke me in his misery.
“So what, you love me? You hate me? Tell me because I’m getting impatient and I could be back home getting through this better with a bottle of jack and some porn magazines.”
“I wish you were Brian, Matt. I wish you could have been Brian all along. I see how you look at me and how he looks at me, and he had no idea what a relationship like this would entail. He was tired of being alone. I was the first thing that came along that wasn’t crazy for you guys and he decided it was a good fit. I could have been humbled. I could have made a choice because obviously fate had it in for me that I’d eventually meet you. Whether it was some conference or interview, I would have been the one meeting you and all this shit would have been avoided. No pain, no misery of Harriet. Just Matt and plain Jane Melissa knocking it out of the ballpark on the first try.”
He sighed out of frustration. I didn’t know how to proceed. “Obviously we need each other in our lives. Whether we’re just some…proxy for the other, I’m not sure. Fuck, I wish this all could have been a dream, Liss. I could wake up and see you standing there, and there wouldn’t be any of this emotional bullshit because I’d be with all of you. There’d be no pain. No anger. No jealousy.”
He paused, taking a deep breath in. “I don’t want to take you from Brian. I would kill to have a girl like you to come home to every night. And I thought I had one. I never played my cards right. I never put her first the way I should have. Brian would have cancelled the tour if you had that miscarriage. He never would have abandoned you. And I want that second chance, man. I want what I had. To someone like you.”
“Talking about killing Brian wasn’t going to get you to that second chance, Matt. I know it was out of anger. I know you have regrets. I can’t change that. I can’t take away your hurt.”
He grabbed me by the shoulders and pressed our foreheads together. “But you do take away my hurt. I see it now. I see what she’s trying to say. We don’t hear each other when we’re together. And when we’re apart, hearing you reminds me that there’s still beauty in this world. There’s still something left to fight for. You’re my reason to live, Melissa. Brian or no Brian, I can’t have you. And that’s all I have to live with. It’ll always bring me pain, but I know you have my back and that’s enough. It’s enough.”
“Very interesting, both of you.” Liz spoke softly from behind me. The smell of sage was gone now, and I could feel the warmness wash away. In Matt’s arms I shivered. “The entity has gone. It was pleased in the revelations. While you would probably have been made aware of the revelations on a subconscious level, saying them aloud would have reaffirmed the meaning. There is a lightness in you now, Matt. It’s washing away the hate and anger. Can you feel it?”
With tears in his eyes, he nodded. I held him so, so close. The way I should have all along. “I feel…I feel clean. Stronger.”
“Be strong. I need strong. I need you.”

Notes