My Fucking Nightmare

The first knock on the door was room service, bringing us a feast fit for kings. While it was more or less a buffet for four people, Harriet and I definitely could have done it, and we sure did. She was a sucker for sushi and Chinese fried rice, while I preferred more traditional dishes such as pasta and salad. And pasta salad.
About an hour or two passed, nearing about seven or eight in the evening. I hadn’t received any messages from Brian which worried me, since he usually messaged me upon arrival. Especially when he travelled on bike. I shot him a text, informing him about my arrival in Las Vegas and that I’d met up with Harriet. Nothing new, nothing he wasn’t aware of. Moments later he responded, apologizing for forgetting to update me on his trip. I got ambushed by the family, he said. I rolled my eyes with a smile and set the phone down on the nightstand for the night.
Boy, did Harry and I chat about everything. We agreed it was best to not talk about what had happened for the sake of essentially leaving it in the past. I could tell it sat well with Matt who was, and had been, quiet for quite some time now. Odd, but the silence was nice.
Another hour or so passed and there came a knock on the door, this time a bellboy bringing a trolley with a couple more bottles of red wine. Also a bottle of champagne, a complimentary gift on the hotel’s behalf. By now I’d probably spent well over a grand and the first night hadn’t even begun yet. While we planned to hit the strip and visit a few other neighbouring hotels, like I wanted to do the first time around, I found I was exhausted. She was drunk. We wanted it to be enjoyable for the both of us, so we decided to take a rain check and go the next day.
Near ten thirty, another knock came upon the door. Harriet stumbled across the room to open it, only to find the crew of Ghost Adventures standing in the hall, waiting to come in and join the party. Hesitant, I let them in if they promised to leave within the hour since I wanted to sleep pretty soon. Really enjoy what this getaway was all about.
They updated me on some of their more recent locations, like the Canfield-Moreno that I previously mentioned. Lots of neat stuff came from that, even from my sceptical point of view on the whole spirituality thing. I knew it was ironic that I wanted to see a medium, but perhaps these guys could have given me a private number or something through one of their cohorts.
It took some bribing, seeing as Aaron especially was still bitter about Matt and my involvement with him. Let’s just say he and I didn’t get along that well from the beginning, and there wasn’t about to be any effort made to fix it. He was the reason Harriet broke Matt’s heart, and that just wouldn’t do in my book.
When they finally left I flopped drunkenly back on the bed and flicked on the television. I needed background noise or all the overthinking would drive me insane. One of the worst things about sleeping alone is the lack of comfort from the other side of the bed. Not having Brian’s soft snore to listen to, or the faint pulsating of his heartbeat literally drove me insane while they were gone, and although it was just a couple nights they would be the longest couple nights of my entire life.
So while I watched some movie featured on TBS—War of the Worlds, Tom Cruise I think it was—I faded into a peaceful slumber until I was abruptly awoken by another loud, hurried knock on the door. Groaning, I crawled to my feet and wrapped myself in the robe once again, making my way to unlock the door to find in my utmost surprise, a very tired-looking Matt, his head sunk down across his chest. Eyes red, possibly from crying. “Uh, hi.” I stuttered. What else would I have said?
“We need to talk. Can I come in?”
Without giving me time to acknowledge he pushed his way past and sat where Harriet did only a few short hours ago. “Yeah, I guess we do. Want some chow?” I offered, pointing at the opened boxes of buffet food on the desk. He dove straight for it like he normally would, when offered a plate or two of food. I noticed he was much skinnier than I recognized. A lot of muscle mass was gone, despite his apparent workings in the garage most days. “So uh, what brought you all the way here? Did you drive?”
“Nope, caught the red eye. Figured now was just a good a time as any to say what’s been needing to be said. Brian’s out of the picture for a couple days. And by the way, he’s got some serious problems with the whole…you know…”
“Don’t say it. Don’t even bring it up. You’re obviously just as confused as I am. Or maybe you have no idea what I’m even talking about, but I guess you do because you just brought up Brian’s shortcomings in our very personal and private bedtime manners.” I gave him a funny glare. “So what’s your best guess? God’s just wanting us to take a peek through a window at the other’s lives, jumble up the emotions more than they already are?”
He sighed. “Can’t really be sure. Don’t even remember when it started happening. I wasn’t even sure I was sane when I thought I could hear your voice, knowing you were on the other side of the hill. Then all the dreams and stuff. The thoughts, the ideas. I dunno. Every time you mentioned coming to see me I shut down. Didn’t know what to do or say.”
“There’s nothing either of us can say that the other doesn’t already know, so let’s talk about that. You have some obvious anger towards Brian. I know that you feel like sometimes he flaunts that he’s got the world by the tail just after you managed to pull yourself out of a very dark hole. Which we both know is where I come in. You feel as though I was the only one there for you through that whole ordeal. We both also know that it wasn’t entirely fair on everyone else’s accord.”
He folded his hands together and hunched over the bed, his silhouette from the moonlight coming through the window more ominous than comforting. He was a ghost of his former self. Looked like he hadn’t been eating hardly at all. “Do…do you mind if I stay here tonight? I don’t want to go anywhere else.”
I sighed, unsure of how else to address him besides affirmation. “I suppose. But don’t you know what Brian would do if he found out you practically stalked me here?”
“What he’d do to me or you? I’m not worried. Maybe if he learned a little about what heartbreak felt like he’d know what I’ve been going through for a while.”
I crawled back into my bed, not removing the robe since I was pretty naked under there and while Matt’s obviously seen me nude through whatever weird connection we have (I actually have no idea what to call it at this point because telepathy would mean all-seeing or omniscient and I am definitely not omniscient whatsoever). The room was quite cool anyway with the AC left on. He remained seated facing me on the other bed, staring at the wall behind me. Why couldn’t I hear what he was thinking?
“Hopefully the medium is able to help.”
Matt didn’t say anything else, standing and straightening his back. Cracking the bones in his neck. Real nasty shit. I patted the mattress space beside me and he crawled over without hesitation, his not so harrowingly big figure sinking into the softness of the bed. I leaned my head against his shoulder. “Can you just do me one favour?”
Grunting in acknowledgement, he stared down at me in a somber, yet somewhat angry expression. “I’d do my best.”
“I know you’ve got an abundance of jealousy…but don’t take it out on Brian. Don’t think about hurting him. Don’t make something bad out of a bad experience. It’s unfair what she did to you. Harry and I talked about it and I called her out on every bad thing she ever did. She threw something so perfect away…and I can’t do anything for you to fix the pain. Even for a little while. Even this, you being here. It’s a problem. The hospital was a problem. You’re a smart guy, you know full well what damage you could have done.”
He snorted in apparent disgust. “Whoa, hold on. If I recall you’re the one that kissed me. Yes the first one was my fault. I shouldn’t have. But you left and came back and did it out of some kind of pity, whatever it was. Don’t you dare pin this whole thing on me because you too know full well that it isn’t one sided, what this is. Me coming here. You could have said no to me coming in, to me sitting on the bed. To me even existing in your perfect little life. Don’t you dare say to me that Harriet left me in a mess that you felt obligated to clean up. That’s on you.”
I sighed out of what I thought was anger, but to my surprise was a sad realization that this too was definitely a mess I could easily have avoided. “Fine. You’re right. I’m being selfish. Leave Brian out of it, okay? Not his problem to deal with and it doesn’t ever need to be. You wanna be here to hash shit out? Then I want to hear every real thing in your head out loud. If you can say it in there, you can say it to my face. So go on. I wanna hear it.”
Matt closed his eyes, turning ever so slightly away from me. “I think I love you, Melissa. Painfully. Dangerously. Where I’d get rid of everything I ever had to make it all over again. Throw everyone else to the side. I’d give up the band, the fame, the money. All of it. I’d give you the whole world and if you took it from me, then I’d at least try and make it entirely satisfactory for your enjoyment.”
I, too, closed my eyes so he couldn’t see the tears build up.
“And then I’d wait for the end to come. Because my existence would be futile after that. I’d be too weak to lose it all again. Brian couldn’t ever do this for you, Melissa. Who do you think helped him write those words he proposed to you with? You think he’s so inclined in language? Who besides Jimmy writes our lyrics? He can’t even please you in bed anymore. Who’s the better man here? You know you won’t answer because the truth is right fucking here in front of you.” He waited for a moment until his fists started shaking. “Now you say it.”
“You’re right.” I sobbed. “You’re right, Matt, you’re right. I just can’t leave Brian. I can’t just hurt him the way you were hurt. You all have so much potential, and I was so angry when you almost lost it all. You were dead on your bathroom floor, Matt. We revived you because we as a group, as an entity, couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t lose you.”
With a shaky voice, cracking just before breaking into tears, he sniffled and cupped his face in his hands. “I just didn’t want to be saved.” With that, the two-hundred odd pound muscular giant (he was a giant to me, okay?) sobbed in my arms like he never did before, and I felt my heart tear in half. “So in the hospital…” he sniffed, wiping away some really ugly tears, “When I saw it was you and not Harriet, or even Brian, I knew what was going to happen. I saw this happen. I saw everything in flying colours. That’s when it all started for me, you know, the dreams. Too vivid to not be real. And it gave me strength I never had. I owe you everything. And if it costs this band, so be it. Time for the rest of them to feel the betrayal.”
I gripped his arm tight, digging nails in. Trying to get the point across as best I could. “Don’t wish bad on them because you went through a bad ordeal, Matt. How many times do I need to say that?”
“They weren’t there for me!” he yelled through clenched teeth. Eyes wide and full. “They were never there for me. They felt sorry, but did anyone ever pull the bottle from my mouth? Did anyone put me to bed? No, because it was me. The one guy in the whole fucking band who has enough backbone to keep everything and everyone in line. And when I fell apart…when I fell apart, they had no clue what to do. We lost our strength, our muscle. Our vision in life.”
“All over what, some girl?”
His face flushed red. “We got married before we left, remember? No one probably told you. She was pregnant, about a month or so far along, and lost it. Miscarriage or whatever. Almost killed her. She couldn’t handle that kind of loss and we left right after. She got lonely because you moved out. Aaron moved in.”
I eyed him warily. “What’s your point, Matt?”
“Funny how it all goes back to Brian, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t have moved out if not for his whining about being so fucking lonely in his gigantic house he had to have. Had to buy one when I bought mine. Had to be equal, or try his hardest to be. He begged you to move in with him. Paid off the rest of your lease. Left Harriet alone, where she met the guy who stole her away.”
Fuck, we were going in circles and I was getting a headache. “Matt, who are you mad at? Harriet for fucking some guy or Brian for asking me to live with him? Stop blaming him for everything that goes wrong, okay? Let fate take some of this shit off his hands. Harriet made a choice to get a male roommate. It ended pretty ugly, let’s chalk it up to that. Brian only did what was within his power. He didn’t tell her to fuck some guy and ruin it all. And for the record, how about you thank Brian because without running into me at the supermarket none of us would have met. Not that you wouldn’t be better off without meeting either of us.”
I took a long, deep breath. “And how dare you tell me you love me when you’ve obviously still got feelings for her. She isn’t worth your time, okay? I could have warned you from the start that her relationships usually end badly. She goes through men like most girls go through clothes.”
I managed to shut him up for a moment, allowing him to absorb it all. Heaven forbid he thought before he talked from time to time. Actually, I pretty much concluded the whole fight because after ten or so minutes of sulking and violent sobbing, he never said two words aside from “I’m sorry” and “you’re right”. I guess in all this emotional confusion bullshit a lot of facts on his side were left out. Still, I couldn’t shake him telling me he loved me. I’d love to know where that even happened.

Notes