My Fucking Nightmare

The next time I woke up I was in bed next to Brian. He must have carried me here sometime throughout the night, which was great, since it meant I wouldn’t be in pain for the rest of the day. Seriously, those couches were just awful. Just after I woke up, I realized that staying in bed probably wasn’t what I ought to have done, so I got up and got dressed, and went to the kitchen to prepare a quick breakfast.
All the while, I kept thinking of that stupid dream I had last night. Maybe I should have gone over there to see if he was okay, at least. With how vivid it was, every bit of me was convinced that somehow it was real, that it had happened. Even though I felt no guilt. So if I did actually have sex with Matt, why wouldn’t I feel guilty about it? Whatever, it was weird. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I was supposed to step up and be the friend that went to go check on the miserable bastard.
Shortly after I got up, Brian joined me. I hoped I never made too much noise, but then again the coffee was always so aromatic. And being a heavy sleeper, I too had been woken by the scent of fresh Starbucks brew. “Good morning,” I called out, hoping he heard me from the living room. Pinkly trailed him, wagging her little tail in anticipation for some breakfast of her own. Brian filled her dish and scratched the fur on her back, then proceeded to sit down beside me at our counter. “How’d you sleep?”
“Decent.” He sighed, kissing me. “I’d have left you on the couch but it didn’t look too comfortable.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.” Okay, the atmosphere was awkward. Why was it awkward? “What are your plans for today?”
Sipping his coffee, Brian stared down at the counter, biting at the insides of his cheeks. “No idea. Maybe go see Jim.” That’s it. The bitterness was always what made things awkward.
“Maybe you should call him. Matt, I mean. Call him and check on him.”
He growled. “Fuck that guy. He pushed us all away, remember?”
Sighing, I touched Brian’s back and massaged between the shoulders. “Fine, but maybe you should be the bigger person this time.” My phone rang on the coffee table in the living room. Just a text, but from Matt. Wishing me a good morning. Well, that was weird.
“Who is that, babe?”
I had to think on the spot. I wasn’t great at coming up with little fibs, but I had to think of a way to go see him without making Brian all suspicious. “My boss. There’s a new pitch he wants me to go look into.”
“Well, come finish breakfast with me. I’ll probably be gone to Jim’s by the time you get back. You can pop in if you want, we’re just gonna be dicking around. He got this new gaming console, that new Xbox. Been wanting to play it all week.”
I kissed him, pulling my sweater over my shoulders, then backed off towards the door. It had been raining all night, and it was quite cool and damp. Reminded me of the day after Matt’s bender at the bar. Crap, I reminded myself of that dream. Everything he said about the bar, all the stuff about me. Was any of it even true? I sped off downtown to make Brian think I was actually going to work. Not that he cared.
Seriously, I wondered if his apathy would push that wedge deeper between us. I wasn’t about to let the bitterness get in the way of something that could be great.
When I got to Matt’s, I found him just as I found him in the dream. In his shop, working on the car. Thankfully with clothes on this time. I didn’t bother calling out to him, but walked over and kicked his foot. “You mind?” he yelled, over the sound of his music.
He wheeled himself out and noticed it was me standing there, and dropped his tools. “Oh, hey. I thought you were one of them.”
“Nope, it’s me, here to talk.”
“I figured. Kinda had a weird dream last night. I thought I remembered sending you a bunch of messages but I checked my phone and there was nothing there. Did I?”
I shook my head. “Nope, except for the good morning text. I had a weird dream, too. Come inside and we can talk about them.”
Wow, I didn’t have to fight him to get him up. He lurched off the floor of the garage and timbered over me as he usually did. Passing me with a smile, we walked into his house, greeting Bishop by the door. I sat down at his island counter and asked for a glass of water. “You need to call Brian.”
He ignored me for the first few minutes, then I repeated myself. “Maybe Brian could call me first.”
Oh, god, the pettiness was embarrassing. “Matthew Sanders, you’re the one that pushed all those guys away. You’ve been a fucking hermit up here for months. You haven’t had any contact with the boys and they’re all worried sick. They’d come up here except every single time they’ve tried to help you, you’ve lashed out and hurt them.”
Groaning, with his back on to me as he poured chilled water into a glass, he slammed the glass onto the counter and slapped the tap handle, shutting the water off. “They didn’t know what I was going through, Melissa. Did you?”
“Yes, because I know I caused most of the problem.”
He paused. “Wait, how’d you know that?”
“I told you I had a weird dream, too. Now let’s discuss that. Sit.” I pointed at another one of his bar stools, and he sat accordingly. His expression was blank and rather intimidated. Funny, I intimidated him for once. “Good, now listen carefully. I dreamt I came here yesterday to do what I’m doing now. And you told me a bunch of things that I haven’t been able to forget. So whatever the hell you got going on inside your head right now, you better spill. Cuz I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it all already.”
Unable to speak, he stared down at the counter. I raised my eyebrows in a means of subtly urging him to speak, as I had all the time in the world to hash this shit out. “Well, okay. Where did I start in your dream you had?”
“When I lost my balance and fell on you and gave you a ridiculous boner.” Ha, I caught him by surprise. “Then you told me to come into the house and help you deal with all the confusion in a very…adulterous manner. The other option was that I had to leave you alone too. So, do I have to leave you up here to keep sulking? Or are you going to give me that impossible ultimatum? I sure hope not.”
“Christ, no. Brian’s my best friend, I wouldn’t—”
“Okay, don’t even start with that shit, Matt. If you were still his best friend, you’d have called him by now and hashed it out. I don’t know what the fuck I did to ruin it all. But if you think that whatever happened in the hospital was significant enough to critically damage and destroy all your relationships with these people, then I’m just wasting my time.”
He scoffed and turned towards me. “When Harriet left, you were the only one who stayed and made an effort. And yes, I got violent. I got angry. I was bitter and pissed at Brian and Jimmy, and Zacky, who had their families. They had their lives on track. And I was back to square one after Rain left. So yes, I was hurting. But you…you were the only reminder I had left that things could actually be okay. You saved me, Melissa. And I’ll never be able to thank you for it because you’re dating and living with my best fucking friend. It hurts me that I can’t.”
“If you want to make it up to me, call Brian. Call Johnny, call Jimmy, and call Zack. Call them all and apologize for being the selfish, childish man you’ve been and resign the fact that any of this was my fault. You know it, and I know it. Get off that high horse and step back into the fearless leader mode. Be M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold. Be the badass motherfucker that made girls swoon. And don’t date another fucking fan again.”
He chuckled. That was the first time I’d seen him even crack a smile in a long, long time. “Please. Do this for all of us. Fix it. It’s not too late. If you love any of us like you said.”
“Okay.” He sighed. “Okay, I’ll call Brian. Just…what do I say?”
“Figure it out, Matt.” I spat, kissing him on the forehead. He blushed. “Figure it out. You will. You always do. Also, before I go…it’s nice to see you sober.” He nodded, seeing me off.
Well, thank god for that.
I got home, finding Brian still at the counter, picking at his hands and callouses that I guess just started healing. He’d been crying. Like, bad, ugly crying. I wrapped my arms around his back and chest, pulling myself closer, inhaling as much as I could of his familiar scent. I didn’t ask him what was wrong, I didn’t try to pry or get into it. I just…let it be.
Eventually the sobbing stopped. He spun around on the stool and faced me, eyes dripping with salty, gross tears. He sniffled and grabbed for my hands. I wiped the tears away with both thumbs and pulled his face into the nape of my neck, letting him calm down and breathe. “Talk to me.”
“Phil called,” he sighed, his voice still breaking. “The record company wants to shut us down unless we pull it together.”
“Mm. I have a feeling you’ll pull it together. Just give it some time. It’s been a weird couple of days, my love. I can’t shake the feeling that something is gonna happen to make it all right.”
He breathed shallowly into my chest, soaking my shirt in tear drops. I didn’t care. My job was done. “I don’t think I’m gonna go to Jimmy’s.”
Good call, I thought, making sure his phone’s ringer was on. Matt had better hurry up and call. I wasn’t about to wait any longer.
When his phone started to chime and buzz, my heart leaped out of his chest. “Hello.” I heard Brian say, and then the sobbing commenced. I locked myself in the bedroom for a little while, until I was certain Brian was off the phone again. They had a lot to hash out before I was ready to intervene again.

Notes