My Fucking Nightmare

The press conference left fans in total outrage. Brian and Jimmy were the only two who showed up, seeing as Matt was still in rehab, and the other two were involved in the legal issues that only just recently popped up. I, frankly, was pissed. Maybe disappointed. Definitely sad, but yeah. I was pissed. It wasn’t just Matt that was all fucked up, see. It meant everyone’s careers were put on the line. Avenged Sevenfold was on the verge of not existing.
There was nothing I could do. I sat at home watching Brian on the television. There were so many tabloid writers, paparazzi. Phil stood in the corner, his scowl the most recognizable. Brian just looked so broken. Everything they’d done, the work they all put towards being the next great metal gods. The next Metallica, without fizzling out. Only they just fizzled out. There was nothing in between. Would-be legends gone to waste, and all that talent…just gone to waste. We were all devastated.
Of course, my boss wanted me to get in on the scoop. Do my own story on the inside. I couldn’t do that to them. I was biased of course, which would make for better details, but I just couldn’t do it. No matter what the publishers offered. Sometimes I hated Hollywood and how cutthroat it was.
The final declaration was that they’d be on hiatus until further notice. Brian never mentioned anything about a hiatus, since all we discussed was how unsure they were about Matt’s recovery. He went on multiple benders in the last year. There were psychiatrists involved, rehabilitators. Social case workers. In any sense, there were a lot of people putting a lot of time and money into making sure Matt smartened the fuck up.
Harriet and I stopped talking. She refused to give statements to the press, and for the most part kept to her own privacy. I was pretty sure she spent a lot of time in Las Vegas with Aaron and his crew, so she never had to deal with the mess she caused. Must have been pretty embarrassing, but she deserved all of it.
All I could do was feel sorry for Matt. I mean, I must have confused the hell out of him when the thing happened in the hospital. I don’t want to get into it right now. It brought a lot of new thoughts and feelings to the table and I had enough on my plate. Imagining an affair with him would only complicate everything and I was looking for closure. I came to terms with it. I let Matt kiss me and I then kissed him. I wasn’t sure if there were any emotions behind him doing it first. Maybe just the initial grief. Maybe the alcohol in his system made him hallucinate. Maybe he didn’t remember any of it, which is why he chose to never bring it up.
Either way, I’ll reiterate that he gave me a ton of mixed feelings, which only made my effort to make him better much more compounded. I needed Matt to feel better. For all of us. This band was what gave me Brian. This band was everything to me, and I was certain I wasn’t the only one by far.
For the time being, we gave Matt some space. As far as the band was concerned, he had no more say in any group decisions. Jimmy had taken over for the voice of the band, backed up by Brian as Matt was. They had no idea what to do. Nothing was the same. Johnny took time off to visit his family in Huntington Beach. I suggested Brian do the same, but he was more concerned with staying here and making sure everything was holding together. I could tell he was getting worn down and depressed, and every time I brought it up, he avoided talking about it altogether. In a way, this whole thing was driving a little sliver of a wedge between us, and I started to have my own doubts.
Maybe I should have had that affair with Matt and felt the feelings while they were still valid. We hadn’t seen him in so long. Part of me wondered if he was still alive. He had to have been. Occasionally I’d shoot him a text, since Brian was too stubborn. Half the time I was tempted to just go over there and give him company. But again, that would only cause more problems than it would solve, so I left him well enough alone.
Still, I sought closure for the kiss. I needed to know what the fuck was going on in his head. My latest text was quite forward, as I just came out with it and asked him what I should think of it. And I should have anticipated the response I got, but I had no idea what to expect anymore.
Shouldn’t matter, you have Brian.
I knew he was mean and bitter. And I shouldn’t have cared about his words as much as I did. But fuck, I was stung. I wanted to just tell Brian I was going over there and leave without getting into the inevitable fight that would follow. Well, I told him anyway. Yet I didn’t get the answer I thought I was going to. “Yeah, whatever. Go change his diaper or something.”
Okay, so I was living with a man child who was friends with an even bigger man child. Just where I wanted to be at twenty four. Fuck it all. I grabbed my keys and left, not bothering to kiss Brian. My company was something he seemed not to need at all. I was so tired of trying.
When I got to Matt’s, Bishop didn’t bark. I assumed the bear was out back in the yard but then I heard the clang of a wrench hitting cement, so I headed for the garage. I found Matt, shirtless in cargo pants, crawled under one of his cars he had lined up beside his bikes. He was tightening some bolts, probably from changing the tires. Whatever, I wasn’t sure what guys did in their garages. I was a journalist, not a mechanic. “Matt.” I hollered from the doorway on the side of the shop. He was also wearing headphones, so I figured he couldn’t hear me. I yelled his name again much louder.
“I can hear you, you know.” He muttered, grunting as he put all his strength into the wrench. After laying it down, he crawled out and sat up, not bothering to look me in the eyes. “Why’d you come? They send you?”
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “No. I figured you and Bishop could use some company.”
“Well, I don’t need company. We’re fine.”
“Yeah, no. You’re not. Get up and put a shirt on, we’re going for lunch.”
He scooted back under the car and started on another tire. “Yeah, no I’m not.”
Okay, I wasn’t about to lose my temper or anything, but I wasn’t putting the effort in just to get shit on. So I grabbed him by the ankles and pulled him back out, except I lost my balance and fell forward, half-landing on him. Oh, crap. “I…uh. Excuse me.” I tried getting up, but after a second or two of trying I realized his hand was gripping my shirt. Stretching my favourite shirt.
“Where do you think you’re going? You came all the way up here to pull me out from under a car, so what do you want?”
Nipples. In my face. All that fine artwork splashed across his skin. I mean, what? “I wanted to get you out of this house and back into the world.”
“No, you came here to pester me about what happened in the hospital. Go ahead, sink it all in.” He motioned towards the now very visible outline in his pants. Goddamn soft fabric. “This is what you did. This is the mess you made. You think anything can fix that, Melissa? Do you think I want to live like this, where every second of every day I want to fuck the living shit out of you on every surface in your house? Just to get back at Brian for being the way he’s being?”
I didn’t say anything. He seemed like he had a lot more to let out. “The hospital was a fuck-up. You of all people should know better. I was fucked up and you were the only one there. And now, again, you’re the only one here. You know what that looks like, right? You know what that means to me?”
“No…”
He pushed me off him so he could get up off the dusty, dirty floor, and then pulled me to my feet. “It means it’s an open fucking invitation to do what I wanted to do to you. Take it or leave it. If you leave it, then get out. And stay away.”
Well, fuck.
He stared at me, into my soul, emphatically urging for a decision. “Well? The choice is pretty fucking easy. Stay here or get the fuck out.”
I wasn’t about to fuck up the only remaining connection Matt still had with the band, so I took him up on his offer. I grabbed his arm and followed him into the house. Bishop waited patiently by the door, moaning for attention. A pat on the head. Seemed like Matt had been so fucking miserable lately that even Bishop was suffering from it. When was the last time he was fed? “So what, I come in here with you, and you’re expecting me to…what? Just fuck you?”
He grunted. “No. You’re gonna tell me why you fucking kissed me. Why you had to fuck everything up. You think I wanted to be this distant? Trust me, we’ve all been through shit like this before. We go back as far as middle school. Just cuz I went on some bender and messed some stuff up, doesn’t mean they’re not just gonna think it’s all over. No, I’m distancing myself because you’re the one fucking thing I got going for me right now. I’ve hated myself for it. And I can’t bring myself to look Brian in the face. You think the night of the bar I went to that place to see Harriet and her new boyfriend? No! I went there because I forgot that you moved to Brian’s. I thought you were still living there. And I wanted to deal with it all then and there. Brian and everyone else had to come along and ruin it all.”
“Matt, they saved your life.”
“Six beer, Melissa. You saw it. You saw how many beers I had at the pub. A couple shots. That’s light drinking for me. That’s nothing. You know it. Then the grief about losing Harriet kicked in. You got up to get us more drinks. Brian took the tray from you, cuz you had to go to the bathroom. I took three of the shots myself. Mixed it all up. That’s when I left to find you. You hadn’t come back yet from the bathroom and I wanted to find you and finish it once and for all in the bathroom. But then I forgot. I went to the apartment. Blacked out. That’s all I remember.”
“Jesus, Matt.” I said under my breath. It was a heavy blow to take. What the hell was I supposed to do? “So what, you want to get back at Brian because I’m so much better than Harriet. That’s it, right? Cuz you and I both know one tiny little kiss when you were in the hospital wasn’t enough to just flip the switch.”
He growled and clenched his hands into fists. “No, Melissa. It was because you stayed.”
It got so quiet in the house that I swear I could have heard a pin drop. I heard my own heartbeat, and that was good enough. I had no idea what to say. I was confused. Stared at the floor for a few minutes, heart pounding out of my chest. The next few minutes were crucial to both my relationship and future. And not only my future, but the future of the band. The brotherhood.
I just couldn’t gather my thoughts. My heart was ready to take over and do all the thinking for me. The heart was the one thing that wanted what was never good for it. So I dove right for Matt’s arms, and he reacted by sweeping me up into his arms, carrying me to his bedroom.
I swear to god, that very second I woke up, on my couch. My entire body shook. “What the fuck?” I said out loud, only just noticing Brian passed out on the other one. My keys were on the table where I left them. I never went to Matt’s. It was all a dream. Truthfully, I had no idea whether to be upset or relieved.
All the same, I knew this was gonna be the beginning of something much more than I could handle emotionally.

Notes