My Fucking Nightmare

I gotta say, that was the most embarrassing tour I’ve ever been on. I mean, I’ve heard a lot of horror stories from legends we’ve met up with along the way. Tons of bands see shit performances here and there from someone having way too much to drink, shoot, or snort before shows start, but what happened to Matt on the Europe and Asia tour was almost goddamn unforgiveable.
That being said, we barely made it to Australia. We cancelled at least five shows. That meant a lot of disappointed fans. Matt probably spent a total of two weeks in and out of hospitals. Either he was forced to sober up or heal bruises and broken shit. He broke two knuckles and a finger punching a wall after a post-show party. Some kids were fucking around and asked him about what happened with Harriet, and that set him off. Push came to shove, the worst got even worse. Cops were involved. Yeah, it was a fucking blunder. Absolute total mess.
I don’t think any of us spoke to him for at least three weeks after we got back. The only reason I spoke more than two words to him was because of Melissa and Gina. The wives were always right. “Go see Matt,” they’d say. “He needs your support.”
Right, and the last time I gave him any kind of support while he was fucked up was when he punched me and bruised my eye. I remember that day like it happened yesterday. Only now we didn’t have to worry about him trying to hurt Harriet. He didn’t travel anywhere near her apartment unless we were at the bar.
I mean, that was the assumption.
There was one night about a month or two after we returned home from the tour. We met at our bar downtown, which was unfortunately only a few blocks away from Harriet’s place. I would have thought she’d moved at that point, but the apartment life was apparently her thing, and it meant Melissa got to visit one of her friends on days when I wasn’t around. Harriet held no hard feelings, an amazing feat, so I let all my own tension slide. And I guess that Aaron guy didn’t seem so bad either.
Well, we were at the bar and Matt had a few too many again. We learned that when Matt had too many, sometimes he’d think a little too much about his old life, and turn into a crying mess over Harriet. Melissa would forget what she was saying when she drank too, and eventually Matt asked her the question we all hoped he’d never ask. “Is Harriet still in the apartment block down the road?”
“Yeah, she is.” Melissa said, again, without thinking of what she was saying. We all groaned and knew where this night was gonna lead to. Matt downed a couple more and excused himself to the bathroom, but we all knew he left. Just to be sure I left Melissa here in case he actually did just go to the bathroom, yet we all knew very well he was going to do something stupid. We followed him down the street, watching him trip up.
After we eventually caught up, he was goddamn near falling on the ground. It was raining and wet, and I wasn’t about to let my best friend just collapse in the disgusting water, so we carried him to the sidewalk, which was just a block away from the apartment. I slapped him in the face a couple times, hoping he was starting to sober up. No, it wasn’t looking too promising. “Please…take me up to her apartment. I just wanna talk. I wanna apologize.”
“Matt, she’s with Aaron. There’s no apologizing.” Jimmy coaxed, patting his back with a closed fist. Matt, sitting on the curb, leaned forward with his hands between his knees. He vomited straight beer and whatever else he was drinking. Coughing, he wiped the edges of his mouth and started shuddering. He was crying. “Matt.”
He wouldn’t respond. Jimmy and I, after exchanging glances, were unsure what to do. I assumed Zack was calling a cab, since he stepped away on the phone. Fucking better have been on the phone with someone to give us a ride home, because I’d been done with this night since the time we got to the bar.
After some violent sobbing he tried climbing up to his feet again, staggering, then grabbing onto a fence nearby for support. “I—I still love her.”
“No, you don’t. That’s the liquor talking. You got divorced, and she’s with Aaron. You don’t love her, you’re just pissed you couldn’t have her.”
He lunged towards me, and shoved me towards the road. I was lucky there was no traffic at this time of night, since this was usually a busy road. Still, I was pissed. Matt was completely fucked up, becoming violent and reckless again, and we had no way of controlling him. I wasn’t about to call another ambulance and let him spend more time in a fucking gurney, and I was frantic about getting a cab or one of the girls to come get us, but no one seemed to be in any kind of rush. This was Matt’s new normal.
God that irked me. Matt’s new normal being a violent, drunk motherfucker. Why did bad things happen to good people? Why did he deserve this and why didn’t he have the strength not to deal with his problems this way? Then again, I wasn’t sure if I’d have done it any differently. My support system was the same as his, and I was as in love with Melissa as he’d been with Harriet. Probably even more. No, I think that if I was in Matt’s position I’d have killed myself by now.
After watching me being tossed into the street, Jimmy restrained Matt against the fence, pressing his arms above his head, bending them backwards. His height proved an advantage, but Matt was still way stronger, and threw Jimmy backwards, forcing me to catch him before his drunk ass fell onto the concrete sidewalk. Now I was getting pissed. Like, super pissed. Like, Ghost Rider about to become all flamey-pissed.
Matt had taken off towards the apartment, and managed to sneak in as one of the residents was coming out. Shows how much people actually give a crap in this town. That meant Jimmy and I were locked out until someone came along with a key. Now I wished I brought Melissa. Perhaps by now she’d have noticed that we were all gone and probably weren’t returning. Fuck, the tab, too. Shit.
I called her, hoping to sound relatively composed. When she answered, I expected her to be pissed, but she seemed pretty rational. “Yes, honey? Did you find him?”
“Babe, I need you. Harriet’s apartment. Matt snuck in and we’re locked out and you’re the only one with the key. He’s gonna make a fucking scene, and the cops are gonna come, and I’m not about to let him get arrested again. Our careers are already fucked up enough because of him, so could you just…hurry up and come here?”
“Uh, yeah. I’m almost there anyway.”
I sighed out of relief. “Thank god. Okay, see you in a minute.” I hung up, approaching Jimmy whose ear was pressed against the solid metal door. “What’s happening, Jim?” I called out. “Melissa is gonna be here in a sec and then we’re gonna take him home.”
Where the fuck were Johnny and Zack? Fuckers better have been calling for a ride. I wasn’t playing anymore.
“Uh, all I’m hearing are footsteps and sobbing, man. He’s breaking down in there.”
I prayed for a miracle and leaned against the door. “What the hell are we gonna do, Jim? Are we done? Is it over?”
He shrugged. “I dunno man, but here comes your lady.” Thank fuck. She ran up to us with her key out and ready, unlocking the door. I ripped it open and barrelled inside, expecting to find a lot of blood from Matt beating the shit out of Aaron, or maybe Harriet, but instead I found him leaning against her door, his head in his hands, sobbing. “Matt?” Jimmy called out, quietly, hoping not to disrupt anyone.
“Take me home,” he moaned. “Please, take me home.”
Jim and I didn’t hesitate, but pulled him to his feet. Zack and Johnny appeared in the doorway finally, with Gina behind them. “Ride’s here. Where’s she taking him?” Johnny asked. “Hospital again?”
“No,” I sighed. “To my place. He’s staying at my place tonight.”
I swear, I was at the end of my rope with this. After tonight, I vowed it would be the last time, and that if it happened again, I’d leave him in the fucking street.
Matt wasn’t going to ruin my career.

Notes

I'M SORRY FOR BEING A DOWNER. I promise it's gonna get better, okay. It's always darkest before the dawn.