My Fucking Nightmare

I wasn’t a talented liar. I knew it, Matt knew it. Despite this, I could only keep Matt from learning of Aaron for so long. First when he pulled up he barged into the apartment, ignoring all the boxes, probably assuming they were mine anyway, and damn near busted down my bedroom door to toss me on the bed. He didn’t think to look around the room and find subtle hints and clues that perhaps I was no longer invested in this relationship, in this marriage, since too much had happened in such a short span of time.
All the while he was away, I refused to battle the distance. I refused to send him message after message, leave voicemail after voicemail. It was futile. I was tired of waiting by the phone for him to call or text and ask me how I’m doing. I just got so tired of it. So as he stripped down to nothing, I stared at the floor, not caring about the half-naked god-like man standing in front of me, but rather thinking firmly about what I’d say to him and how I’d say it.
This marriage wasn’t going to work if I’d be forced to spend all this time alone. I wasn’t the type of girl like Melissa who was just okay with being left behind while he travelled the world, singing his songs, seeing all the millions of faces of fans screaming out the words with him. It wasn’t the dynamic I was okay with. And most importantly, I had enough insecurities as it stood. Matt was aware of them. He chose to gamble against them, and now I needed to inform him that he was fighting a losing battle.
As he tried climbing atop of me I pushed him off, fighting the urge to say fuck it and kiss him as I always did, full of fire and passion and the need to feel every inch of him inside and against me. Yet I crawled from underneath him, blocking him from unleashing his inner animal. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, sounding slightly panicked. It was probably all the arousal. “Harriet, are you okay? I thought you’d want to consummate our marriage again.”
I looked at him with tear-filled eyes and shook my head. Sinking my chin to my chest, I let out a sigh of despair and pain and dropped my gaze to my shaking hands clasped across my knees. The feeling inside the room was cold and unwelcoming. “Matt, our marriage can’t be based on distance.”
“Wait, what are you talking about?”
My eyes snapped back up into his. I saw his hands begin to shake. “I mean exactly what I just said. You being gone this long goddamn near destroyed me. I could have moved into your place by now, I see it in your eyes. You want to ask me why I’m even still living in this place. It would have been so lonely up there. Melissa’s few visits here and there were barely enough. My shifts at the bar kept me sane.”
He went cross. “Harriet. What the fuck are you saying? You’re talking in circles and it isn’t making sense. I just got home from a year-long tour. I’m fucking exhausted. I’m trying to get naked and sleep with my wife, who I haven’t seen since last October. It hasn’t been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. And frankly I’m upset that you’re still living here in this dump.”
“Excuse me? You know what happened just before you left. We got married in a goddamn chapel. Tiny ceremony. The only guests we had were your beloved band members. Your own fucking friends. I had Melissa, one lonely bridesmaid. It was a snap decision, damn near drunken idea. Was it a good idea? I don’t know anymore. And then I got pregnant, my body rejected it, I miscarried. It was traumatic and bloody, and you had to up and leave so suddenly after that. What could I have done? I had no way to adjust to any of it, especially on my own. Melissa has her own life, and so do the other girls. They haven’t exactly been accommodating anyway.”
“So what, our marriage isn’t worth anything to you? That the papers we signed in Vegas are just fucking papers with a couple signatures on them? Right, because you’re the only person in this relationship who has valid feelings. Do you know how much it hurt me to leave you, especially after you had the miscarriage? Not that it would have mattered anyway because we both know we weren’t ready for a kid yet. It was a shitty deal, a shitty situation, but we dealt with it with what resources and time we had before I needed to get on the road. So I’m sorry for being a shitty husband. If it’s that big of a deal you should have thought it a little more through before you signed the fucking papers.”
I scoffed, wiping whatever sweat or tears of resignation I had on my face. “If you want this to work out, your goddamn career as a rock star can’t be first before this. I won’t wait around for you to become the next Bon Scott or Kurt Cobain.”
“Come on, you’re being ridiculous! There’s gotta be a real reason you’re pulling this shit, Harry.”
I went quiet. I had to tell him about Aaron. But there was nothing to tell! He was a ghost hunting whack job who introduced me to magic, spirituality, and every little thing in between. It was kind of beautiful. And he was a great listener. A really, really good roommate. The only problem was he was a guy. And he was a somewhat attractive guy. Which made it all the more difficult to tell Matt, since I started leaning more towards Aaron when Matt couldn’t step up to the plate. “I can’t ask of you what I need in a relationship, Matt. You’re committed to this band. I can’t keep being the sideshow girl who’s always left behind.”
“No, you have no idea what this relationship is because we spent a year apart. That’s never gonna happen again, Harriet. Ever. We all discussed it with our manager. No more year-long trips. I’m not the only one that has a wife, you know. It’s just as hard on them as it is on me and you. But I know there’s something else you’re beating around the bush about. You’re not telling me something. Is there someone else?”
I paused. I shouldn’t have paused. “Matt…I didn’t move into your place because I didn’t want to be alone in your house for months on end. So I got a roommate. Who happens to be one of the crew members of that Travel Channel group Melissa covered in her article when we went to Vegas.”
“Harriet…are you seeing someone else?”
“He’s my roommate.” I blurted. I didn’t know what else to say. “Think what you want, but I haven’t cheated on you.”
Though I knew I’d already done the damage. He looked absolutely heartbroken. “So…you didn’t move in with me, because you wanted to stay here, and find a roommate. Some guy who you barely know, without even telling me. And now you’re telling me our relationship isn’t good enough because I was on the road for a while, breaking my back trying to make enough money so that neither of us have to work while I’m home…and somehow I’m supposed to believe that there isn’t more going on than the two of you just being roommates. After you blatantly deny having sex with me. Jesus Christ, Harriet. What’s wrong with you?”
I was at a total loss for words. He was right…it looked fishy. Aaron and I got close over the last little while. Maybe a little too close. How could I possibly tell him that and expect little reaction? I decided to leave it as it were, and hope for the best. Remain distant, stay here in this apartment for a while. Do as we did when he was away. And in the end, see what comes of my relationship with my husband.
I was alone in this. Melissa knew something was up. She cornered me at least once already. I couldn’t talk to anyone else, since everyone I knew in this city was either my co-worker or mutual friends with Matt and his crew. There was no option I had other than to recede back into the life I became adjusted to for the past year.
In the few moments I took sitting silent on the bed, staring at the floor, I waited for Matt to do something. Only what he did was totally not what I expected him to do. I expected him to pick me up into the bear hug he does, embrace me and tell me it’s all okay. But he didn’t do that. He quietly put his shirt back on, did up his pants button and zipper, and left.
I didn’t have the energy to stop him. From that moment, I knew my marriage was either in way more trouble than I could deal with, or Matt had already made the decision to end it. For the time being, I let him go. He needed to cool down and I needed to think.
And in that moment, I wished Aaron was home to be my perfect listener.

Notes