My Fucking Nightmare

I felt bad for making Matt leave the party so early, but I also felt it was far more important for us to talk about some stuff that crossed my mind and it was eating away at me; not like something I could just ignore, since it would affect our relationship in more than one way. We’d been seeing each other for a few weeks now and the more time I spent with him the less I thought of my asshole of an ex; however on the flip side I grew more and more insecure about being in a relationship with a metal singer. It was a legitimate fear, right? Of course I went about it the way I’d always gone about innermost issues. All my insecurities became anxiety. And anxiety was something I learned to deal with.
Lately, I must add, it had gotten particularly worse. And I didn’t want to imply that Matt was solely at fault. It all started the day Marc and I broke up. Absolutely devastating. Matt and I already talked about the shittiness of our old relationships. He could sympathize because his fiancée walked out on him several years ago. Why’d she walk out? She couldn’t handle having the insecurities, the very fucking same ones that I started having. And why was I even so insecure?
Melissa convinced me on more than one occasion that these guys weren’t the unfaithful type. Even with all the slutty drunk girls they met on tours, forcing themselves on the guys like they’d been friends for years. It never went sideways. I mean Jimmy was married for a few years now. Zack was married and had kids. Brian and Melissa were closer than any couple I’d ever seen. Then there was Johnny, but he didn’t know what he wanted just yet. So why did I have so many issues with worrying about Matt?
It took me a while. Like a super long time to figure out the reason behind my mistrust. And it wasn’t because of Marc. Honestly, it wasn’t actually even mistrust. It was…for lack of a better phrase, the fear of abandonment. Deep-seated issues. There was constant talk about the boys leaving for a year-long tour after City of Evil was released. What was a better way to endorse a new album by leaving home for a year, getting black-out drunk after playing every night, spending special occasions away from family and loved ones? Okay, so maybe I was a little bitter about it too. It just seemed so excessive, so unnecessary.
I wasn’t sure how Melissa could have been okay with it. Sure they weren’t leaving until the album was actually finished, processed, and released. They’d still have to wait a few months for people to get used to the new music. I’d say about seven months from now they’d be flying away, leaving us girlfriends and wives here to fend for ourselves. To me it didn’t seem fair. Didn’t seem viable.
But as batshit crazy as I might have been about it last night, dragging him from his friends to walk down the narrow roads and talk it all out, Matt was quite understanding. It was nice, actually, knowing that in one way or another he was validating my feelings. He said that he always felt the same way for the first few months. Promised me all he could promise so I could shut up about it, at least.
By the time we reached my apartment, about a two-hour walk, we got in and warmed up as it was a little bit frosty and the wind was a torment. I asked him to stay the night, although I made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want to partake in anything physical. I just wasn’t ready yet. It was another demon I’d been facing for a long time. That I could blame on Marc. It wasn’t like me, at all, to refrain from having a physical relationship with a guy as sweet and caring as Matt seemed to be. It was entirely unnatural and I felt like absolute shit about it, but he kept on reassuring me that it was all going to be okay. And that we could wait as long as I needed.
Only thing was, I longed for his touch. I wanted his lips on every inch of my body. And goddamn, to feel his teeth biting down on my neck, or collar, whatever else he was into…still, my brain completely disassociated itself from the idea and possibility of sex. I was cock blocking myself with no conscious intention of doing so.
In his arms I cuddled with him all night, occasionally dozing off as he told me about his favourite places to travel in the world. Spain, Brazil, Japan. He promised he’d take me to Hawaii one day, just us. No one else. And then he would sit there with me in silence, listening to my shallow breathing as I did the same. Sometimes he’d hum a small tune or familiar chorus from his old songs or songs he heard on the radio. This wasn’t the first time he’d sung to me while we watched television, but I was too engulfed in happiness and bliss to believe it was real.
He stayed ‘til morning and had Jimmy pick him up. Before he left though, I made eggs and bacon with a side of whatever was left and still edible in my pathetic fridge. I’d been so consumed with trying to put as much effort into this relationship that I’d neglected to buy more groceries, or tidy up what was beginning to be an enormous mess. Matt didn’t seem to mind. “My house looks just like yours,” he’d keep telling me. We ate in near silence. Not an awkward silence, but a peaceful one as sounds of passing traffic and birds filled the space from the slightly open living room window.
We finished eating, placing our plates in the sink, and he called Jimmy. Probably had about ten minutes or so before he got here, so we went outside and sat in my garden, talking like we did last night. “Well, what are you going to do for the rest of the day?” I asked him, my fingers folding between his.
“Gotta get home to let Bishop out, then work on some stuff for studio practice tomorrow. I was thinking of writing a song or two for you.”
I blushed in excitement, almost tackling him as we sat on a huge rock. “You’re so sweet, Matt!” I squealed loudly, pecking his face with delicate kisses. I guess he liked it because his face would always lighten up with one of the biggest smiles I’d ever seen. “Guess I’ll clean my house up. Don’t know when Melissa’s coming home from Brian’s. Could be a day or two.”
“I feel bad that you spend so much time alone here when she’s gone.”
I shrugged. “I don’t mind it. Used to be the opposite when I was still with Marc. Oh, sorry.” I noticed the light in his face disappeared when I brought up that old sack of mud again. “I mean it, it’s no worry at all.”
Matt stood up and brushed off his nice black coat and straightened his ball cap. I was certain he could tell Jimmy was just around the corner. Lo and behold, he and his wife pulled up in their Escalade and honked. I stood up and kissed him for several seconds before he pulled away, not taking his eyes off me as he headed for the SUV. “I’ll call you tonight, if you want.”
Of course I wanted him to. Truth was, it actually killed me to spend so much time here alone. Even if Melissa and Brian relaxed here for days on end I’d feel a lot better about it all.
For the rest of the night, after cleaning up my extensive mess, all I could do was wait for her to return home. However with what news she brought with her, I really wished she hadn’t come home at all.

Notes