My Heart in Atrophy

Three weeks of being back in California and I have been spending most of my time on the couch, recovering from all of my injuries. I had finally weaned myself off of the heavy duty painkillers and only needed an asprin from time to time. The pain had lessened but I was stiff from sitting on the couch most days. I knew most of the sutures that held the deeper cuts closed weren’t ready to come out, but the few that were healed, Aunt Kate took out to save me a trip to the doctors office.

I spent most days by myself, hanging with Pinkly on the couch, but Brian was always a phone call away. Other days, Val, Matt, when he could and Kate would visit me and let me tell you, I loved the company. I spent the last few years with hardly any human contact that was outside of work.

Still no Zacky. He was the one person I wanted to see the most and at the same time was scared to see. Brian kept saying give him time, he would want to see me soon even though he was slightly confused by Zacky’s reluctance to come visit me.

Brian kept asking what happened between us and I always replied with the same answer, “We had a falling out.”

I had serious doubts. Zacky and I didn’t end on a good note you could say. I think I hurt him the most, more so than Brian.

I was an Olympic bound gymnast, vying for a spot on the 2000 Olympic team. Then I had my accident. A bad dismount from the uneven bars would end my career for good. When I landed on the mat, I heard a loud pop and crumpled beneath my weight. The pain was excruciating. After hours of x-rays and an MRI, the doctors had determined I had tore my ACL and meniscus and broke both bones in my leg.

That was it, the end.

My mom killed herself about two months after my gymnastics accident. I was so distraught that I spent more time pushing him away than letting him comfort me and help me. I pushed everyone away. I didn’t know how to deal with everything.

Mom was also a gymnast, never wanted to go to the Olympics, instead became a trainer. I spent all my childhood in the gym. I cherished the play dates I had with Brian. He was my only friend until the age of thirteen.

The accident and mom dying changed me in so many ways. I wasn’t the girl I used to be, not that pseudo preppy, athletic girl they grew up with. I wasn’t like Brian but I loved their music, I even had a floor routine to a Metallica song. Standing here today, I was covered in tattoos on the more alternative side of life. I never thought I would be like this, but once I got to the east coast I blossomed and found a different way of life.

I began hanging out with all the goth and metal kids, discovering Death Metal, Hardcore, and Goth rock, the stuff that Brian didn‘t listen to. I threw out my entire wardrobe and re-vamped myself as the Aubrey that was here today. Tight clothing, all black, sorta gothy and girly, combat boots. I finally felt like the person I was supposed to be. During college I started getting tattoos and went out to shows and partied.

Brian was truly shocked when he first saw me weeks ago, he couldn’t believe that I was Aubrey Haner, his cousin. Would Zack do the same? What would he think of me? Would he even recognize me? Would he hug me?

Brian came up to me while I was watching my cartoons, telling me that Zacky would be over in a couple of hours. I turned the tv off, even though it was one of my favorite episodes and went upstairs.

I stood in the mirror and examined myself, the stitched cuts on my back made me sad. I tore through my bags and found a black v-neck tee shirt that kept all the cuts covered. I wasn’t ready for everyone to see my shame. I showered and did my make-up. Nice and natural, not too dark.

I finished my make-up and started to get undressed. I could hear the cats playing with something in the corner. I was so focused on them, the footsteps I heard behind from behind me didn’t fully register.

“What the fuck!”

I jumped and looked back to see a woman standing in the doorway. I scrambled to cover myself up, grabbing the t-shirt I just threw on the bed.

“Sorry sorry.” I got the t-shirt back over my head, “I forgot the bedroom door was open.”

She was seething, “What are you doing here?”

Obviously someone was not happy to see me.

“Brian didn’t tell you I was here?”

Of course he didn’t. She took a step towards me and grabbed my bag off the bed.

“Get out!” She threw it out into the hallway, my clothes spilling out when it hit the wall, “I want you out now!”

Brian came running up the stairs and into the bedroom, “What’s going on here?”

He separated her from me, I made my way to the stairs with my bag. I could hear them arguing in the next room, I realized that I left my toiletries bag behind and went to grab it. When I emerged from the room again she came back out and was screaming in my direction. Ignoring her was my best option.

“I’m talking to you.”

She gave me a shove causing me to lose my footing and I slipped down the stairs. I could feel some of the sutured wounds re open and start bleeding again, my bad knee twisted. I yelped in pain and got to the bottom of the stairs. I reached around and touched my back, when I looked at my fingers they were covered in blood.

Zacky came in the door right as I slid my way to the bottom of the stairs on my butt. “Jesus, what happened?”

“I need to get to the ER, now.” I snapped at Zack, I wasn’t so much concerned with my back, those can be re-sutured, my knee was the real issue. “I’m sorry, Zack, nice to see you. All hell has broken loose up there, can you please get me to the ER?” His face turned from anger to concern real quick.

“Are you okay?” He hoisted me up from the staircase, throwing an arm around my waist and putting my arm around his neck.

I tried to put pressure on my right foot to step forward but the it was too much to bear. I almost crumpled as the pain surged through my leg. Zacky caught me before I hit the ground, “Alright, we are going.” He scooped me up and carried me out the door. “I’m going to have Matt come back. He dropped me off.” I knew he meant his brother.

Brian came running out of the house after us. “Where are you going?”

“Dude, she has to get to the ER.” Zacky looked down at his hands, “Why are you bleeding? Why is she bleeding?”

“Long story,” I said dully, trying to keep the tears at bay. Brian ran back into the house while

Zack called his brother. I couldn’t handle it.

I stood with Zacky on the curb, tears silently falling down my face, shivering from the night's crisp air. His hand was firmly pressed to my back with a ragged towel Brian gave him. He noticed the tears and pulled the towel away from my back, I could feel the blood trickling down my back. It felt like it was getting worse, it felt like it was gushing from the reopened wounds. Brian came running down the steps and down to where they stood, he looked back briefly to see Michelle watching.

"Aubrey," Brian said, waiting for me to look at him, "Look at me Aubrey."

I turned my head so I wasn't looking directly at him, but my gaze firmly fixed on Zacky, "What Brian?"

"I'm sorry about what happened upstairs, I couldn't stop her from pushing you." Brian looked at the ground and ran his hands down his face.

"Don't make apologies for her."

I pushed Zack away from me and pointed up at the window, “If she feels any remorse for what she did-”

I stared directly at her, “She can apologize to me herself.”

She closed the curtains, I could see her shadow retreat from the window. My anger was rising and holding my tongue was not an option, “I don’t know what I did to her, she walked in on me and freaked out. I knew staying here was going to be a bad idea, I should have just stayed at an hotel or your parents. Obviously Michelle doesn’t like that I am here because I am some sort of a threat to her or else this wouldn’t have happened.”

"I'm not saying sorry for her." Brian looked at the ground. He stopped for a moment, trying not to get choked up and cry in front of his best friend. He shuddered as he took a deep breath in,
"I'm sorry for not being able to protect you, this is two times in a row you have gotten hurt in my presence. I could have stopped it both times, I failed you."

I immediately regretted what I said to him, the water works turned on, mascara running down my face like tiny black rivers. I walked over to Brian with my arms out, needing the warmth of the person I was the closest to. Brian gladly took me into his arms, but didn’t press me to him. I could tell he wanted to hug me tight, but he couldn’t because I was fragile like a china doll.

"I promised dad that I would never let anyone hurt you and I failed.” He began to cry, burying
his face in my messy hair.

My heart broke, I let a soft cry escape my lips. “It’s not your fault Bri. Don’t punish yourself, you’re here now, I’m here. Let us make the best of it and move on.”

"Uh, guys." Zacky interjected.

Brian shook out the sadness, "Alright, I'll take your bags to Zack's place and leave them on the porch. Call me in the morning. I love you kid."

Zacky and Brian hoisted me up and slid me into the back seat of Matt’s SUV. I waved at Brian as we sped away from the curb.

“Here, put this on your knee.” Zacky handed me a bag of ice. “Closest hospital Matt.”

Matt got us there in no time at all, but wasn’t very gentle about it either. I gritted though the pain because I knew Matt was trying his fastest. Zacky kept yelling at him to take it easy, but Matt never listened to his big brother. Shocker. I kept telling Zack it was okay but he was too concerned with other things. He became a broken record, ‘Are you okay? How does it feel? Slow down. Are you trying to kill us?’

I squeezed my eyes shut and told him I was fine and then told his brother to keep doing what he was doing. I just wanted this to be over. I wanted the pain to go away, I wanted everything to disappear into the haze fueled pain killer heaven I would soon be entering.

The ER was a mess, the usual crowd of Friday night drunks and the hectic nursing staff trying to keep them at bay. What made the situation even worse, there was a car accident and it seemed to be a bad one. The plastic chairs in the waiting room were horrendous. My back was still and these chairs weren’t helping at all.

Occasionally Zacky would get up and start trying to make a scene at the nurses station. He would then come sit back down and ask if I was okay then would reassure me that they would be getting to me soon. The nurse finally came to retrieve me for triage.

"About fucking time." I muttered. Zacky apologized to her.

The nurse gasped with disgust and motioned for us to follow her. They walked us out of the waiting area to the triage room and took my blood pressure and asked all the preliminary questions. I answered them hastily and as fast as I could. I just wanted to get my knee looked at.

When she was done asking me all the questions, they wheeled me to a private room. Zack helped me into a sterile blue gown then picked me up, setting me on the padded table. I flipped over and laid face down. I finally was comfortable. The nurse came back in and examined my back, alarmed, she rushed to get a doctor.

“Are you okay?”

I reached out for Zack and took his hand, “I’m fine. I think. I don’t know.”

The door opened, I could hear the snap of latex gloves and felt his hands touching the extremely tender skin around the wounds. I groaned and gritted my teeth, listening to the doctor explain how he was going to numb me then re-suture the wounds.

The prick of the needle sent me back to an old memory.

"Where are we going?" Brian asked as I dragged him along a trail that ran behind my house.

We were eight, Brian was my only friend. He didn’t want to be out with me, but Aunt Kate made him. We were running along the trail that ran behind our houses. I stopped suddenly and looked for the path that went down the creek. Brian walked straight into me and fell on his butt.

"Way to go, dummy." Brian spat and dusted off his jeans.

"I'm not dumb, your dumb. Anyway, you should have been watching where you were going." I smiled and ran off towards a large tree, giggling as Brian followed sluggishly groaning at my antics. I climbed up the face of the large oak tree and sat in one of its lower branches, swinging my skinny bare legs back and forth.

"Come on Bri," I smiled and threw a twig at him, "It's fun!"

Brian climbed up the tree and I scoot down the branch to give him some room to sit. He sat next to me and gave me a quick smile but tried to act like he didn't like it. I stood up on the thick branch and jumped up, grabbing the branch above me. I gracefully pulled myself up and looked down at my cousin.

"I bet you can't get up here." I challenged and stuck my tongue out at him.

Brian shook his head and mumbled under his breath, "Stupid girl, I'm better than you."
He steadied himself on the branch and decided to do what I did, but each time he couldn't get a grip. He looked up and stuck his tongue out at her then went back the trunk of the tree. He knew his best bet was climb up the trunk a little more for leverage then hoist himself up with branch I was on. The first couple of times he tried, he soles of his shoes would lose traction and he would slide back down. He was about to give up when I fell backwards and hung upside down besides him.

"Look what I can do Bri." I giggled and poked him in the side.

"That's not funny, I though you were falling." Brian huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

I kept giggling while hanging upside down. Brian was still pouting, leaning up again the trunk of the tree with his eyes on the ground. I pulled myself up right and struck my hand in front of his face.

"Come on," I sighed, "I'll help you up."

Brian looked up at me with bright eyes and smiled, he grabbed my hand and I pulled him up enough so that he could lift himself up onto the branch. We sat there in silence looking at the space around us, both of our legs swinging in unison.

"And you thought you were better than me." I snickered.

"You just got lucky." Brian said, slightly shoving me.

Shoving him back, "Admit it, girls are better."

"No, boys are better. You just got lucky." This time shoving me even harder.

"Come on, say it, girls are better." I laughed, but only pushed his shoulder a little.

Brian was furious, not wanting to admit anything. "I'm not going to say it because boys are better than girls."

He ended it with a rough shove to my shoulder causing me to lose my balance and fall backwards. I fell through the air and landed face first on the ground, not moving at all. I could hear Brian hurry down the trunk of the tree and fall to his knees at my side. He shook me with all his might, getting no response from me. He began sobbing and cried out that he killed me.

"Ow, my head hurts." I coughed as I picked myself up off the ground.

"Oh my god!" Brian screamed out, "You're bleeding!"

Brian bolted away from the scene leaving me alone. I ran the back of hand across my forehead then saw what Brian had confirmed. I followed the trail back home, I couldn’t figure out why Brian freaked out so bad. I was used to falling and getting hurt.

I finally got to my backyard and opened the gate. My mother came running down the patio stairs, Brian in tow and a rag in her hand.

"What did you do Brian?" My mom asked hastily as she pulled his ear.

"Mom, it was an accident. He didn't mean to." I groggily spoke as she put pressure on my forehead.

"Aunt Mary, I didn't mean for her to fall out of the tree, I pushed her and she fell." Brian cried.

"Aubrey, Aubrey,” A male voice called out to me, tearing me away from the childhood memory.

"Aubrey, are you okay?" It asked once more.

"I'm fine, just thinking." I replied and looked at the doctor.
He helped me sit up and applied soft gauze padding to my back then examined the area once more. The doctor looked at me and raised an eyebrow, "Do you care to explain what happened?"

Lazily she replied, "I lost my footing on the stairs at my cousins house. If you're asking about why those cuts were there before, my ex caused me to fall into a glass coffee table."

Shocked, the doctor whispered something in his nurses ear and she scurried out of the room.

He looked back at me, "Do you need to press charges?"

I shook my head and looked up at the doctor, “This was in Philadelphia, he is already in jail.”

“We are going to take you to another part of the hospital and get you ready for an MRI.”

“Thank you.” I replied. The nurse came back in with a couple of pills in a plastic cup and a bottle of water.

I took the pills then positioned myself on my side, facing Zacky.

“Thank you for everything Zack, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to snap at you first thing.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He grabbed my hand, “You should probably rest. Close your eyes.”

I nodded my head, “Okay Zacky.”

Notes

Thanks to everyone who has read and commented on this story. I will have more coming soon.