My Heart in Atrophy

I was jolted awake as the tires hit the runway at LAX.

The first part of the flight I was in excruciating pain, I couldn’t get comfortable as I waited for the painkillers Brian gave me to kick in. I fell asleep somewhere over the Midwest. I was tense when I finally got up out of the seat after we taxied to the gate, the painkiller had worn off.
When we finally made it into the terminal, I was relieved, Brian dug into my backpack and gave me another pill then went off in search of a water fountain to fill my empty water bottle.

I gulped the pill down without water and found the closest spot to sit down before we headed towards baggage claim. Even in all my pain, I was excited to see my uncle and my cats who had to fly in a carrier in the cargo bay.

Brian shaking my water bottle in front of my face brought me back to reality.

“Are you ready?”

I nodded my head, “Yeah, just give me a moment.”

“How bad does it hurt?” Brian sat down on the bench next to me and put a hand on my knee.
“Are you sure you are okay? Do I need to get a wheel chair?”

I chuckled and gave Brian a weak smile, I loved how protective he was of me. He had always been like that, for as long as I could remember. I gained my composure and pat him on the knee, “I’m alright Bri, lets get going, I don’t want to keep your dad waiting.”

“Alright, you’re sure you are fine, tell me now and I will get a wheel chair.”

“Brian,” I playfully slapped him, “I’m fine.”

I rushed as fast as I could to get to baggage claim, but the stitches in my back restricted my movement. As we got closer, I could hear the frantic cries of my cats. I rounded the corner and saw their black carrier sitting next to the counter. I got to my cats and kneeled down in front the carrier, I wanted to cry. Brian pat me on the shoulder and told me he was going to get the bags and a cart.

“Come on guys,” I spoke to them, “It will be okay.”

“You ready?”

I turned and looked back at Brian, I nodded and stood up. Brian slicked his shaggy hair back and put a baseball cap on his head. He put an arm around my shoulders then pushed the cart with our bags in front of us.

Once outside the doors, Brian lit up a cigarette, I stole it from his hand and took a long deep drag.

“There’s my girl.” My uncle was standing next to the car, his arms wide open waiting for me to give him a hug.

“Uncle Brian,” I smiled and exhaled then handed the cigarette back to Brian, he took me into his arms, I could feel tears stinging my eyes.

“You alright, kiddo?”

“I’m just,” I sighed and pulled away, “Happy. I’m really happy to be home. To see you.”

Driving down the coast was a beautiful sight to me. I hadn’t been here in years and every sight we passed held a memory from when times were better. My uncle would pat me on the knee with a smile every now and then, Brian would ask how I was doing. I would answer that I was fine and keep looking out the window.

Honestly, I had no idea how I was, what I was feeling, I was a bottle of mixed up emotions. Matt and Jimmy gave me hope in being here. I expected them to split after the hospital but they stuck through and still were driving my belongings across the country. I never met Johnny, so that will be a new experience. My only concern was Zacky, the way I had left him behind, standing on the curb as I drove away.

We pulled up to Brian’s house. It was beautiful. I knew they were big rock stars but I didn’t expect this and knowing Brian I figured it would be a large house where no one could find them. Instead a nice three level condo in the midst of everyone, right in the open to see you.

“Are you going to be okay?” He asked me.

I nodded, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

He gave me an unsure look, “Are you sure? Do you have everything you need? Do you need us to take you to the store for anything?”

“I’m fine Uncle, all I need is cat food, a litter box, and the litter that goes in it.”

“We have all that. What about clothes, do you have enough to get you through until Jim and Matt arrive tomorrow?”

“Don’t worry about me.”

He gave me a gentle hug and a big kiss on the forehead. I got out of the car and opened the back door. I placed my head to the metal grating of the cat carrier. All three of my cats started meowing wildly.

“I’m sorry guys, I promise we’ll have a place soon and then we will be together again.”

I felt horrible for leaving them with my uncle and aunt, it wasn’t their responsibility to take care of them but Brian’s dog was a hater of the feline and my cats weren’t fond of dogs. After saying my goodbyes to the cats, we walked into Brian’s condo and he took my bags up the stairs while I went to the living room and got comfortable on the couch. I was starting to feel nauseous from the pain pill, my stomach was doing flips.

Brian knelt down next to me and ran a hand over my hair, “You look pale.”

“I don’t do well with painkillers.”

“I gathered that, are you going to be okay?”

“I think so, maybe I should just drink some water.”

“I’ll get you some.”

“No no, I’ll do it myself.” I tried standing up but got dizzy, immediately putting myself back down on the couch.

“Just stay sitting down”

My eyes got heavy, maybe I would pass out and this nausea would pass. Even with my eyes closed it felt like the room was spinning. I could feel droplets of sweat running down the side of my face. I hate painkillers, always make me sick to my stomach.

The couch sank under Brian’s weight, “Still not feeling great?” He took a cool cloth and wiped the sweat from my forehead.

I groaned, “Not really.”

“There some water on the table,” He sighed, “Try to get some rest. I’ll wake you at dinner.”

I woke up to the smell of sweet tomatoes and garlic in the air. My body was still achy and the pill I took was wearing off. I dragged myself to the kitchen, my aunt and uncle cooking

“Smells good.”

They both turned and faced me, my aunt came to me with open arms.

“Its been too long sweetie.” I embraced her, the smell of Chanel No 22 filled my nose which she has worn my entire life.

“I know.” I sniffled, “I should have tried to visit.”

“That doesn’t matter Aubrey,” She started to tear up, “You are home. That’s all that matters.”

“Kate, leave the poor girl alone, she’s been through enough. She doesn’t need to be cried all over.” My uncle always knew how to interrupt a good moment.

“Oh stuff, it Brian.” But then again, my aunt was not the most subtle of people.

“Speaking of Brian, where is that cousin of mine?”

“He ran out to get a few things, he’ll be back soon. Are you okay dear, you look a little pale.”

“I’m fine, just a little nauseous. I’m going to lay on the couch until dinner.”

I re-positioned myself on the couch and grabbed the remote. I flipped through the channels until I landed on some cartoons. Even at 27, I still loved them and got great enjoyment from them. I woke up again to my aunt gently shaking me and calling my name.

I got up and wrapped myself up with the fleece throw someone covered me with.

“Smells good,” I smiled as I trudged through the kitchen towards an empty chair. I plopped down and got excited, “Yum, Lobster Manicotti!”

“I figured your first meal home should be your favorite.” My aunt put a plate down in front of me.

“She lives!” Brian said in a spooky voice while wiggling his fingers. I just rolled my eyes and ignored him. “Mmmm, Lobster Manicotti.”

I forgot how much Brian and I were a like.

“Wait, how come you make her Lobster Manicotti and not me when I ask?” He pouted at his mother.

She pointed the marinara covered spatula at her son, “Because when you ask I don’t feel like it.”

My uncle started laughing at Brian, but stopped when he saw my aunt glaring at him.

“Lets eat!” My aunt started serving each us, a portion of manicotti, a couple of bread sticks and a little pile of salad. “What do you want to drink sweetie?”

“Do you have a coke?” I was in desperate need of some caffeine and sugar, “If not I’ll just have water.”

Brian went to the refrigerator and grabbed a can, “Ice or ice and a splash of whiskey?”

I chuckled, “Just ice, thank you.”

Dinner was amazing, my aunt just knew exactly what I needed. We talked, but not about what happened. Well, me and Kate talked while the other two listened. I should have at least picked the phone up and gave them a call. How hard would that have been?
I couldn’t forgive myself this.

We ended the night with tiramisu and coffee. My aunt always made the best food. The food alone made me feel like I had never went away. They hugged me and said good night. Brian led me up to the spare room.

“I have a surprise for you.”

“I can’t deal with surprises Bri, I have had enough excitement for a little while.”

“No, no, you’ll love it.” He twisted the knob and pushed the door open.

I walked in and started to cry. Sitting on the bed were my three cats. I couldn’t believe it. The all perked up and started meowing like lunatics. I looked around the room, a big cat toy for them to climb on and to sleep next to the window. A small stereo in the corner and a few little things from my old room.

“I knew you didn’t want to be away from the cats, so I brought them. Pinkly will be fine as long as the cats don’t fuck with him.”

I threw my arms around Brian’s neck and said thank you over and over again.

I have the best cousin in the world.

Notes