Wherever This Goes

~Jess' POV~

I sat in a very uncomfortable chair, chewing my bottom lip anxiously, while Melody slept in my arms. She was cuddled up in the blanket Jimmy bought for her, her jet black hair fell in front of her eyes, her lashes fanned out against her cheek. She was so peaceful. She didn't have a care in the world, she had nothing to worry about. I furrowed my brow as I felt something at the corner of her blanket. Carefully, I pulled the blanket further out from under her so that I could inspect it.

You made life better, my Princess.
Love, Uncle Jimmy

My eyes stung as tears formed.

How can he be gone? How can he take his own life? How can he just abandon all of us? How?

The Jimmy I knew wouldn't have ever done somthing like this? The doctors told us that it looked like a suicide, but they won't know more until they perform a autopsy at Jim's parents request.

I swallowed the lump that was forming, forcing back the tears and sobs that were bound to come out soon. I looked around and noticed that the sun was starting to shine in through the windows of the hospital, but it didn't seem as bright. I can only imagine what Brian and the guys were feeling. I looked at the waiting room and watched Johnny and Lacey hug each other, their eyes red and puffy. Zacky held onto Gena's hand, both of them sniffling and staring blankly at the floor. Matt had his head in his hands, his knee bouncing up and down anxiously. Val was sniffling as well, but tried her to best to contain her sobs as she handed everyone a coffee.

I felt my heart lurch when I noticed Brian standing at the window, biting his nails. Even though he was wearing his hood, I could see his nose, which was red from blowing his nose and sniffling constantly. He was broken.

~Brian's POV~

~Earlier That Day~

I woke from a deep sleep as I heard my phone vibrating repeatedly. Rubbing my eyes, I untangled myself from Jess and grabbed my phone.

13 missed calls
28 text messages

What the hell, Matt?

Why do I have one missed call from the hospital? What the fuck is going on?

Pressing the hospitals number, I slowly got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom.

"Hello?" I said once the ringing stopped.

"Hello, sir. So sorry to disturb at such a late hour, but we need you to come to the hospital. Your name was listed under the emergency contact. You are Brian Haner Jr, right? I'm a nurse at Huntington Beach Hospital." Some lady said.

"Uh what's going on?" I started to panic.

"Sir, its urgent. A Mrs. Sullivan is needing you. Please, just come to the hospital." Then the she hung up.

What the fuck?

I pressed on Matt's name next and called him back. As the phone was ringing, I opened the bathroom door and peeked out, making sure that my wife was still sound asleep. She was.

"Brian, I've been trying to call you. What the hell? Get your ass to the hospital!" Matt was angry, but I could tell his voice was strained, like he had been crying.

"Wait, Matt, what the hell is going on? I just got a call from the hospital. What's wrong?" I asked, feeling the panic rise.

"It's Jimmy..." Matt sighed, sniffling. "Brian, he committed suicide. Leana found him. Just... just get here. Please..." Then just like that, Matt hung up. I dropped my phone as my hands clutched my head. My best friend, my brother, is gone. My eyes burned from the tears that I was fighting back.

This can't be true. This has to be a joke.

My legs soon gave out, making me fall to the cold marble floor. My breathing became shorter, my chest tightening. The guy who has had my back since we fought in wood shop when we're teenagers over something stupid, is gone. The only guy who called me out on my shit and the one guy who encouraged me to marry the love of my life, isn't here. The one guy, the one guy, who always put up with my shit, isn't with me. He's not here.

I wiped my nose on the back of my hand and got up, looking at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red as well as my nose. I opened the door and went into our closet. Grabbing a pair of jeans and shirt from my side of the closet, I also grabbed some leggings and a shirt of mine for Jess along with my hoodie. I ran into Melodys room and picked her up from her crib slowly then placed her onto her changing bed.

I looked down at her and she opened her eyes. A tear fell from my cheek, falling onto her white and pink onesie. She gave me a quizzical look, as if she knew that I was hurting.

"It's okay, baby. We will be fine, my love." I picked her up once I changed her diaper and held her close to me, snuggling my nose into her hair and inhaling. She smelt of her mom, it's wonderful. "Okay, baby girl. We gotta go somewhere so Im going to need you to be really good while I wake up momma, okay? Can you do that for me?"

She blinked once and I naturally took that as a yes and I wrapped her in the blanket he got her... the one Jimmy got her. I gently placed her into her car seat and walked back into our room, placing her by the door.

I woke up Jess and in a matter of minutes, we were rushing down to the hospital. The whole ride over, I didn't say anything. I held Jess' hand to comfort her as best as I could.

~Jess's POV~

We finally arrived back home later that evening. My head was throbbing from all the crying that I was doing the whole day. My nose was raw from constantly blowing my nose with crappy hospital tissue.

"I'm gonna put Mel down. I'll be right back." Brian mumbled to me almost inaudibly.

"You hungry?" I asked.

"Yeah. I'm starving." I nodded and walked into the kitchen trying to find something
to make.

I didn't have the energy to really make anything, so I opted for macaroni and cheese. I hope Brian doesn't mind. As I was watching the water boil, I felt two arms snake around me. I looked down and noticed the bright colored tattoos and turned around, hugging him.

Brian tightened his grip around me, pulling me close, nuzzling my hair. I choked back tears as I ran my fingers through his hair, finding comfort in doing so. All of a sudden I felt a wetness on my shoulder. He was crying. Oh, my husband.

"Brian, don't cry. Please." I sobbed. I pulled away from the hug and looked at my husband. His eyes were red and had bags under them, no doubt from his lack of sleep. He looked like he aged a few years in the last 12 hours. "It'll be okay, babe. It will be."

"He's never gonna see Melody grow up. He's never gonna see our next child grow up. He's gonna miss so much." Brian sobbed, falling back into my arms. "I miss him, Jess. I fucking miss him."

"I know you do, Brian. We all do. I do. My heart hurts knowing he's gone but babe, he's not going to miss anything." I stroked his head, like I was holding a child. "He's going to be watching over us."

Holding my husband in our kitchen at 11 at night and trying to comfort him because we lost a brother, hurts me. This isn't the Brian I know. He's broken.

"How could he do this to us?" Brian whispered.

"I don't know, Brian. I really don't know." I held him close to me. My heart ached from the loss of a friend and from how heartbroken my husband was. I hated him sad. Tears slowly ran down my cheek as Brian pulled me closer. Slowly, he pulled away and turned off the stove because the water was about to boil over.

"You okay?" I stroked his cheek. He shrugged and sat down on a chair, watching me as I started making the macaroni and cheese.

"Do you remember when we were at our wedding reception?" I nodded yes, mixing the cheese mix into the pot of noodles. Brian chuckled sadly, saying, "Jimmy was so happy for us. And do you remember when we were dancing, he started to dance with Melody."

I laughed at the memory, my eyes tearing up.

"Yeah, I do. It's safe to say that he was her favorite uncle." I smiled sadly, looking down at my hands as I leant on the counter. The macaroni and cheese was sitting on the stove so that it could be extra cheesy, which is Brian's favorite.

"God, what are we going to do about the funeral? Shit, what are we going to tell he fans?!" Brian looked at me, his eyes wide with panic.

"Shh..." I whispered. "Don't worry about that yet, babe. We will figure that out when the time comes." I stroked his jet black hair, calming him. "Let's eat. You must be starving."

Brian nodded and took that as a signal to get some bowls and forks so that we could eat. Smelling the cheese as I dished it out for us made my stomach grumble. I haven't eaten anything in almost 24 hours, I'm famished. As Brian was eating his food, I took the time to examine him, because, well I love to look at him. His hair was getting longer, to the point to where it was starting to fall in his eyes when he looked down. His brown eyes were a little red and puffy. His bottom lip was also a little puffy. But amidst all of the tiredness and hurt that was written all over Brian's face, he still was the most gorgeous man I have ever laid my eyes on.

"You know I love you, right?" Brian asked me. I looked at him, confused as to why he would ask such a question.

"Of course I know that, Bri." He just looked up from his bowl and looked at me with a lazy smile. Then, he grabbed our bowls and put them in the sink, proceeding to grab my arm and guide me up to the bedroom. Once we reached our room, Brian grabbed my hips and pulled me close to him, his lips crashing onto mine in a forceful kiss.

Brian pushed me against the wall, his hips pinning me in place. Our breathing was heavy, ragged. I ran my fingers through his hair as he kissed my neck, nipping and sucking in various places. It felt phenomenal.

But this wasn't right. Brian needed to mourn. We both did.

"Bri, stop." I panted. "We have to stop."

"What, why?" He asked.

"This isn't the right time." I whispered, gazing into his brown eyes.

"Baby, Jess, I need this, please. I need to not think about him, about life without him because I'm afraid that if I do, I will break completely. So, please, baby. I need you." Brian pushed me against the wall with his pelvis once again, his erection hard against my hip. In response, I wrapped my arms around his neck, jumped up, and kissed him hard. He needed me.

Brian's hands gripped my ass, carrying me over to the bed, our lips never losing contact. He laid me down on the bed and held my hands above my head, lifting my shirt up and unclipping my bra so that my breasts were fully exposed.

With one hand, Brian managed to take of my leggings and basically tore through the thong I was wearing.

"I love you so much, baby." Brian breathed heavily against my neck.
~~
Brian and I laid down in our bed, both naked, and in silence. I was laying on my side while Brian was holding me from behind and traced small circles on my hip, caressing my thigh every once in a while. I turned over so that I was facing him.

"What time is it?" I whispered as I stroked his hair. He turned over and looked at his phone briefly.

"It's almost 5. The sun is supposed to come up in a bit." He whispered back to me. I nodded and got up from the bed, grabbing Brian's shirt and some new underwear. I grabbed Brian's shorts and threw them at him, telling him to put them on. I walked into Melody's room and picked her up from her crib, making her fuss ever so lightly. Carrying her into our room with a blanket wrapped around her and my pinky finger in her mouth to stop her from fussing, I laid down on the bed next to Brian.

He looked at me, confused but smiled.

"I just wanted her to be near us." I shrugged and laid down beside Melody.

I watched as Brian gently stroked her hair out of her face. He smiled sadly down at her, taking her small hand into his and kissing her knuckles. Brian really is the best father. He's always so patient, so gentle with Melody.

"God, she's beautiful." Brian whispered. "She takes after her gorgeous mamma." He winked at me, making me blush.

I rebutted, "No, she takes after her dad. Just look at her jet black hair and her small nose."

Brian shrugged his shoulders, "Jimmy always used to tell me that he thought Melody was the most beautiful little girl in the world." He stopped and took a deep breath. "Fuck..."

I reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"We will be okay, Brian. You'll be okay." Tears started to sting my eyes as I looked into Brian's dark brown eyes that were starting to tear up as well. "I love you, Brian Haner."

"I love you, Jessica." He blinked back his tears before he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, still holding my hand and still holding Melody close to his body.

Notes

a/n:
so i literally had this chapter for like 4 months but i just never got around to posting it lol but here it is. i actually have the next 3 chapters ready and somewhat edited so i can post the next chapter tomorrow. so keep a look out. i miss this story and i know i keep saying that ill update regularly and i never do, but oh well. comment! ily :)