Two; Lost

I awoke around noonish, although you wouldn’t be able to tell it was that late in the day; the weather was still so shitty.

I slipped on the leopard slippers next to my bed and put on my housecoat as I made my way out into the kitchen.

Brian was standing in the kitchen a bottle of vodka in his hand.

“Are you hungry?” I asked Brian softly.

He shook the bottle of vodka at me as he turned around to face me.

“This will do” he said with a smug look on his face.

I remembered this look, this was the same look he used to give me when we hated each other, this was his cocky asshole look and I wasn’t happy about seeing it again.

“Maybe you should slow down a bit on the drinking Bri” I said calmly.

He laughed “Not bloody likely”

“Brian please, you’re starting to scare me” I pleaded.

“My best friend just died Axl, what do you want me to do, nothing I do is going to bring him back, NOTHING! So if you don’t mind I’d like to be drunk so it doesn’t hurt as much” Brian slurred and yelled at me.

“I know you’re hurting Brian, I’m hurting too, I miss him too; and right now I need my husband, I need someone to be there for me too, he wasn’t just your best friend he was everyones best friend”

Brian didn’t say anything; he slowly walked over to me and grabbed me by the arm and pushed me against the counter “Just stop, just leave me be okay” he said through gritted teeth.

He let go of my arm and went back downstairs; I was in shock from what had just happened, my arm throbbed and my heart raced super-fast; I was scared to be here, that man was not my husband.

I decided that I would do just as Brian had said to do, I grabbed my purse and my keys and left to Zack’s house, if Brian didn’t want me here I wouldn’t be here.

Zack’s house was completely dark, it was as if no one was here.

“Zack?!” I called out.

“Axl, hey what are you doing here?” he asked as he emerged from his bedroom upstairs.

“I came to visit, Brian’s being an asshole”

“Right, well honestly sis I’m just not up for company tonight” Zack whispered.

“Okay, that’s fine” I lied, It wasn’t fine, I needed my big brother right now.

I let myself out of Zack’s house and went back into my car. I sat there for what seemed like forever, I needed to go somewhere else, I couldn’t go back home, I just couldn’t. Not with that beast there.

I decided I would go see Val, even though our friendship was a bit rocky I knew she would still be there for me.

I pulled up to Val and Matt’s – all the lights were on so I knew it was okay to be here.

I knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer.

“Hey, what’s up?” Matt answered the door in nothing but his pajama pants.

I almost forgot to speak as my eyes roamed over his perfectly sculptured chest.

I swallowed hard “Is Val around?”

“Uh no, she’s staying at Michelles for a bit” he said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Is everything alright?” Matt continued to ask.

“Uh yeah… no, not really, I just can’t be at home with Brian right now and Zack doesn’t want any company”

“Well you can come in if you want” Matt said softly.

I took his offer and followed him into the house, the house that I grew to resent, the house that was the primary setting of my affair with Matt.

I knew I shouldn’t be here, if Val or Brian or even Zack found out they would all be so suspicious and angry, but then I thought Brian couldn’t be angry he told me to leave him be, he physically hurt me.

As I thought about Brian grabbing me, my arm began to ache I rolled up my sleeve to look at the spot where Brian had grabbed me; the bruise was yellow and purple and big too.

“What’s that from?” Matt asked as he walked back into the kitchen where I was sitting at the island.

“Oh uh, I bumped into the car door” I lied.

Matt looked at me for a few minutes “Right” he said, I knew he didn’t believe me, but I was happy he didn’t press the fact.

“So why’s Val at Michelle’s?” I asked.

“She uh couldn’t handle being here, I’m upset she’s upset it just wasn’t a good mix” Matt said as he took a seat next to me.

I nodded as I completely understood what he was talking about.

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you want, it gets pretty lonely around here now” Matt said with a smile.

It was at that moment that I realized Matt was just as lonely as I was and that wasn’t a good thing. All I could think about was ripping those shorts off and taking all my anger out on him in
the bedroom and I knew he was thinking the same thing about me.

“I should go” I decided, before things escalated.

Matt nodded and walked me out to my car in the pouring rain.

I gave him a quick hug and began driving home.

On my way home I noticed a liquor store, I stopped and bought the same vodka as Brian drank; maybe if I drank this, the pain would go away; maybe I would become numb like Brian.

When I got home I went straight to our bedroom, I sat on the bed and started taking shot after shot out of the bottle; my body began to feel warm inside and at first I felt pretty good.

But now I was more than half way’s done the bottle and I was watching more videos of Jimmy, videos that fans have been making, they were all incredibly sad, we weren’t the only ones going through all this pain, so many people in the world were feeling it too.

At this point now, I was full on sobbing and still sipping from the bottle I couldn’t keep myself together anymore, I needed to break down, I needed to grieve.

All I wanted to do was go down and run into Brian’s arms, I wanted him to hold me while I wept; I wanted us to be there for each other, but I was scared now, scared of what he would do to me if I interrupted him and his bottle of vodka.

At this point I was so hot, so hot from crying and all the alcohol, I decided I needed some fresh air.

I grabbed my coat and began walking down the long dark road, the rain poured unbelievably hard and the air was cold. I took sip after sip out of the bottle wondering when I would be numb to the pain.

Suddenly bright lights came from behind me as a car pulled up to me.

“What are you doing?” I heard Matt’s voice coming from the car, no matter how drunk I was I wouldn’t forget that voice.

“Walking” I responded as I held up the bottle of vodka to my lips.

Matt let out a small sigh “What are you doing?” I asked.

“Driving, get in”

I hesitated for a minute then got into Matt’s car; it felt nice to be out of the rain.

“You know we could get into a lot of trouble for hanging out” I drunkenly slurred.

“I know, but realistically Axl, who’s gonna notice right now” Matt said with a un impressed tone.

He was right, Brian wouldn’t even notice I was gone; Val was at Michelle’s, Zack never left the house anymore, no one would even notice that Matt and I were hanging out.

“Where are we going?” I asked softly.

Matt let out a chuckle “This place was one of Jim’s favorite places, for some stupid reason” Matt said as we pulled into an old run down laundry Mat.

“Jim loved the laundry mat?” I asked confused.

Matt laughed again, “Yeah, when we were younger he actually lived here for a few months”

We walked inside the laundry mat, it was pretty run down now, but there was a carving in the wall that read James Sullivan “The Reverend” I couldn’t help but smile, Matt’s name was right next to it along with all the other guys.

“I remember the first time Jim ever brought me here, we were running from the cops for vandalizing some kind of run down construction site, Jimmy had me running all over the place just to get here, I nearly got caught, I remember him yelling “Keep up Shadows, you’ll never make it in jail” he was laughing like a crazy bastard too.

“Welcome to my house” he said as we entered the laundry mat.

“You’ve been living here?” I asked confused.

“yeah man for like a month”

“How come your clothes are never clean then man” I joked around.

Jimmy just shoved me.

Jimmy then pulled out some pizza that he must have ordered from earlier, we mowed down the food and I went home it took me nearly a hour to get home.

I remember thinking what a crazy fucker Jimmy was, and how I would probably never find another friend like him and how amazingly awesome this guy was, just casually living at a laundry mat, because he simply didn’t give a fuck.

That was the exact moment that I knew Jimmy was one my best friends and he would be forever I loved that dude.

“How are we supposed to move on from this?” I asked looking at Matt.

He didn’t say anything; he just stared at the ground.

“I mean moving on from my parents death seemed so much easier; how am I supposed to live a life without Jimmy, how are anyone of us supposed to go on, my brother doesn’t leave his house, my husband isn’t the same man anymore…” I trailed off.

“I don’t know Axl, we all just have to be there for each other” Matt said in a soft voice.

I scoffed at what he said, “Be there for each other, nobody has been there for me all week, my husband has gone from my best friend to my feared enemy and when I went to my brother for help he turned me away, I’m losing my goddamn mind without Jimmy here” I said as I started to sob.

Matt pulled me into his arms and held me close to him. “I’m here for you, don’t cry, we’ll get
through this together” Matt whispered.

It was at this moment that I actually felt that someone cared how I felt, that someone was going to actually help me get through this; I just never thought Matt would be the one to do it.

“Let’s go, you can crash at my house tonight” Matt said as we got into his car.

On the drive to his house, I couldn’t stop staring at him he was handsome and I missed him terribly as a friend and as a lover. I instantly felt guilty for having these thoughts, I loved Brian, but right now Matt was being what I needed and I didn’t know how to keep away from that.

Notes