One; so far away

It was about a week after we had found out that Jim had left us and no one was handling it well.

Brian wouldn’t talk to me, instead he stayed holed up in his studio room, he never turned the lights on and there were always empty bottles of vodka outside the room; I couldn’t imagine what the inside of it looked like.

I haven’t heard from Zack over the last week, Johnny had stopped by a few times but that’s it.

When I wasn’t helping Val and Jim’s family get arrangements set up, I mostly hid in mine and Brian’s bedroom, although its not like he slept there anymore.

I think I’ve watched pretty much every home video, every music video, every anything of Jim that I could get my hands on; it just made it so much harder to believe I would never see him again.

Tomorrow was the funeral; I couldn’t even stomach the thought of it. But I had to be strong, I had to be strong for my husband who was currently drinking the pain away, I had to be strong for my older brother who had already lost both parents and now his best friend and I had to be strong for myself; I just don’t know for how long I could do this.

It was nearly 3 in the morning when I heard a rummaging sound coming from the kitchen, Brian must be up.

I quickly wondered into the kitchen, Brian was flinging every cupboard open and opening every drawer.

“What are you doing Syn?” I asked.

He slurred some words I didn’t understand “Vodka” was all I managed to get out of it.

“Hun, the funeral is in a few hours, you need to sober up a bit” I softly said to him.

“I don’t need to do shit” he sloppily said.

“Brian, Jim’s parents are going to be there, his sister, his whole family that loves you so much, don’t you think you owe them at least being somewhat sober”

Brian stood there staring at me, he could barely stand; he stopped looking through everything and made his way to our bedroom.

When I came in after him, he was passed out on the bed.

I crawled in beside him and snuggled up to his back; I held him tighter than I’ve ever held anyone.

The morning came faster than any other morning, my alarm blared throughout the bedroom; meaning that it was now 7 and we needed to start getting ready.

“It’s morning already?” Brian whispered as he sat up.

“Yeah, we to start getting ready” I whispered back.

Brian didn’t say anything else to me; instead he slowly got out of bed and went to the bathroom to shower.

I decided to skip the shower part and just start getting ready, I really didn’t know how I should do my face, so I just applied minimal make up, since I figured id be crying anyways.

I slipped on my navy blue knee length dress; I put my hair up in some curls, and topped it off with some black pumps.

I sighed looking in the mirror as I put on my black petticoat to keep away the cold.

I never thought I’d be here today, I never thought we’d be burying Jim this soon.

I looked at the clock and it was now 8, we didn’t have to be there until 9; but I wanted to get there early just to make sure everything was going as planned.

I walked down the stairs to see Brian standing by the door, he looked up at me, pain filled his eyes, there was so much sadness to him and it was killing me knowing that I couldn’t take it away.

“You look beautiful” Brian said softly to me.

I gave him a smile and walked over to where he was standing I adjusted his tie so his outfit was perfect; “You know you’re the most handsome man in the world” I said softly.

He gave me a small smile, “We better go” he said as he opened the door.

I followed him out to the car, the weather once again wasn’t its normal California sunshine, it was dark and gloomy, it was as if the world knew today was going to be one of the saddest days that ever existed.

We arrived at the grave site where Jimmy was going to be buried; there weren’t many people here yet, just Matt, Val, Zack and Jim’s immediate family.

Brian and I began walking slowly towards the others, I gave Brian a pair of dark sunglasses to wear, although it wasn’t sunny it would cover up the fact that he had been crying. When we reached the others Matt and Zack were also wearing sunglasses.

No one said anything at first we all just stood there staring at each other; Zack abruptly reached out and pulled me in for a hug.

I right away started to shed tears; I knew that he was thinking of my parent’s funeral and how much he didn’t want to be here.

“This fucking sucks” Matt suddenly blurted out.

Zack released me and I instantly went back to Brian’s side.

“I know man, we should go say Hi to the rest of the family” Zack said looking towards Brian.

Brian nodded and Zack and Him went over to the where the rest of Jim’s family were gathered.

Before Brian or Zack even got to say anything, Jim’s mother was hugging Brian and sobbing un- uncontrollably.

A lump formed in my throat and I felt as If I might pass out, I didn’t know if I would be able to do this, if I would make it through this service.

“How have you been?” Matt asked suddenly, brining me out of my thoughts.

I looked at him for several seconds “I guess good as anyone could be in this situation” “How are you handling things?” I asked unsure of what to say.

“You know, not good Val and I have barely talked this week, we don’t know what to say to each other and we had to send river to my mom’s for a bit, cause we just don’t know how to do this” Matt spilled to me.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s hard and you’ll never forget him, but time will make it easier to move on eventually” I whispered thinking about how I thought I would never get over my parents death, but yet somehow I managed to move on.

Matt gave me a weak smile, “How has Brian been? He hasn’t said a word since he’s been here”

“Not good” I admitted “He barely says anything at all, I think we’ve maybe said 10 sentences to each other this last week, he just stays down in the studio all day, last night was the first night he actually slept in our bed, I just don’t know how to help him” I spilled some more as tears started to run down my face.

“Don’t cry” Matt whispered as he pulled me into a hug, “Brian just doesn’t know how to deal with this either, just give him some time he’ll come around” Matt tried to reassure me.

I began to cry even harder now, as I thought normally Jim would be the one comforting me when I didn’t know what to do, he would give some great “REV” advice and send me on my way.

“its okay” Matt whispered.

“What’s going on here?” I heard Val say from behind me.

Matt’s muscles instantly tensed up when he heard her voice.

Matt softly removed me from his chest placed me into Brian’s arms; “She’s upset” He whispered.

I knew Val was scowling right now at the fact that I had been in Matt’s arms a few seconds ago, but it wasn’t like that.

Brian moved me away from him and began wiping away my tears; I could see tears dripping from under his sunglasses too.

I wiped them away with my fingers, before anyone really had a chance to notice Brian was crying.

Johnny arrived as so did many more people, it was almost time to start the service.

Brian gripped my hand and led me over to where we’d be sitting with Jim’s family and the rest of the guys.

I sat in between Zack and Brian and the rest of Jim’s family was on the other side of Brian; they were all helplessly crying and sniffling.

Once everyone was seated, the service began; people eventually told funny stories about Jimmy, including Brian, he told everyone of how he had first met Jimmy in school and they had gotten kicked out of class together and it was love at first sight.

I tried to remember back to the first time I met Jimmy, I think I was maybe 12; The guys had decided to have band practice at our house that day, and my mom insisted that I go into the garage and see if the boys needed anything.

I really didn’t want to, but I hated it when mom got mad at me.

“Mom wants to know if you guys need anything.” I asked looked at all the guys unhappily. I had met Matt and Johnny before but not this other guitarist and drummer.

“Nah, I think we’re good sis” Zack said giving me a smile.

I looked closely at this drummer boy, “Why do you have hand cuffs tattooed around your neck?

Do you think you’re a bad boy or something?” I asked sassily.

He scoffed at me with a smile, “I am bad” he retorted.

I scoffed at him and went back into the kitchen where mom was, “Oh here honey bring this cake out to the boys, it just came out of the oven” she said happily.

I did as I was told and brought the cake out; “Mom says have some cake” I said with a smile and rolled my eyes.

The drummer boy was overly excited about the cake; he was the first one to take a piece.

“I knew you weren’t a bad boy, bad boys don’t like cake” I insisted.

“Yes they do” he retaliated

“How would you know?” I snapped back.

“Because I am a bad boy “he said with a huge smile.

I smiled back and from that moment on I knew this drummer boy and me would be alright friends.

“Hey, you ready?” Brian asked me breaking me out of my flashback.

The service was now over and pretty much everyone had left, how long had I been spaced out I wondered.

We said goodbye to everyone who was still there and made our way back home. Once we got in the house Brian went straight for the studio room, without saying a single word to me.

I really didn’t know what to do, or what to say to him right now so I just went to our bedroom where I curled up in a ball on our bed and tried to remember what it was like before Jim had left us.

Notes