Reliving the Nightmare

♡BRIAN'S POV♡

Two months.

Two months had passed since I'd last seen Lola. Two months since she'd spoken to me in her silky, soft voice and looked at me with those ocean blue eyes. Two months since I'd lain my hands on her creamy, ivory skin or smelled her comforting scent. And it was slowly ripping me apart.

Since the day that Matt had beaten me senseless I hadn't seen any of my friends, except Zacky. I'd told them that if they set foot in my house, I'd knock them out as soon as their shoes crossed the threshold. Zacky was excerpt from this as he had done so much for me over the past couple of weeks. When my fractured jaw wouldn't work as it should, Zacky brought me liquid foods like soup and fed me with a straw. When I couldn't see out of my swollen eyes, he accompanied me everywhere I went so he knew that I was safe. When I couldn't move my upper body, he dressed and undressed me so that I didn't just lie in my bed all day. He had proved himself as one of my true friends in life and I was eternally grateful to him. He was allowed into my house.

Arin, Johnny and Matt could all get to fuck. Matt was a fucking dick who had massive anger problems and the other two couldn't care less about me. I didn't need them and they obviously didn't need me. When he was taking me home from the hospital, Zacky told me of his plans to leave the band and I had readily agreed. Avenged Sevenfold had no future without Zacky and I so I realised that we had essentially just destroyed all of our careers. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to care.

My life was empty right now. I hated everything. I had never stayed this long in my own home because I hated living alone. I normally stayed in Zacky's spare room of his house which was about a ten minute drive from mine, but that wasn't available to me right now.

Lola and her complete bitch of a friend El had nowhere to stay so Zacky offered his home to them. Well, technically he offered it to Lola and then El tagged along. Whatever the arrangement, it meant that I was isolated in this giant, cold house. Zacky told me very firmly that Lola didn't want to see me at all. His exact words were, "You've fucked her up, Gates. She loves you but she knows better than to get involved again."

I was coherent enough that night two months ago to remember her telling me that she loved me. Her distressed face had peered down at me and she had whispered those blessed words to me right before I had blacked out. It was glorious to hear but it seemed that now she knew I was going to be fine, she had retracted that love and resumed her distance. She had come back to her senses and remembered that I was a deadbeat.

Zacky occasionally sent me a picture of Lola and him having fun together and it lifted my heavy heart briefly to see her happy. But as time passed I noticed that these photos became few and far between and in the past week Zacky hadn't been in touch at all. My nerves were jangling.

I watched the news whilst fingering the chorus to 'Bat Country' on my guitar. My fingers flew across the strings and for a brief moment my thoughts left me and it was just me and my instrument. My hands worked seamlessly to play a riff I knew so well and my whole body relaxed into the sofa as I got lost in the music. The only other time I ever felt like this was when I was with Lola. With one flick of her golden hair or a simple flutter of her long eyelashes, I could be transported to another world. She made me forget all of my worries and let me just be in the moment, focusing on the present. Now that I had lost that, I felt like I was living in the past trying to relive those memories with her.

I played the last note then chucked my guitar to the side. I switched the TV channel to 'Kerrang,' turned the volume up high then walked into the kitchen. I drew open the blinds and let the daylight flood in. Rooting through my cupboards, I searched high and low for some kind of food that would spark hunger in me, but none did. Nothing seemed to evoke anything in me these days. I hadn't had an appetite in weeks and I could feel myself losing muscle tone because I didn't have the strength to work out.

Abandoning the idea of breakfast, I went to the bathroom and turned the shower on, stripping off my boxers as I went. I peered into the floor length mirror that adorned my bathroom and winced at my pitiful reflection. My face appeared abnormally pale and was a stark contrast to my dark tattoos. An ugly red scar lined my chest from where Matt's ring had scratched me when he was attacking me, although it was almost healed. My shoulders were slumped in a defensive hunch and my hands clutched my the back or my neck. In short, I looked a mess.

I sharply turned away from my disgusting appearance and stepped into the scalding shower. When the hot water hit my skin, I groaned from the comfort it gave me. It soothed my sore muscles (or lack thereof) and washed my body clean. After the novelty of the warmth had worn off and I had been in there for a good ten minutes, I turned the shower off and stepped out. I dried myself with a towel, being particularly careful when touching my ribs, collarbone and face all of which were still sensitive.

I walked naked into my bedroom and grabbed some clothes from my drawers. I pulled on my favourite black pair of ripped jeans and a 'Vengeance University' grey top that had quickly become my most worn top after Lola had said that it hugged my frame nicely. Pulling on a grey beanie hat and some converse shoes, I exited the bedroom and picked up my phone from the table. Taking a deep breath, I dialled Zacky's number and waited anxiously for him to pick up.

"Gates, what's up?" he answered in his familiar tone, causing my heartbeat to slow down now that I knew he was alive and alright.

"Nothing man, I'm good. Just wondering what you've been up to 'cause it seems like you've been avoiding me this past week," I kept my voice light so he knew I wasn't angry, just worried.

There was a brief pause as if he was thinking of something to say before came the brief answer of, "Just been busy." He sounded guarded and wary, as if he was hiding something from me.

"Baker, what's up? I miss you man, it's lonely here in this big house alone," I played the sympathy card to him and it worked as his voice softened when he replied.

"Sorry. I've been caught up in stuff and haven't made the time to come and see you."

"Come and see me now then. I'll get the beers open and we can play some pool?" I asked hopefully.

"Dude, as much as I want to come and kick your ass at pool, I can't. I'm waiting on a delivery of tonnes of equipment and shit that I need today. Sorry bro," he let me down gently and I could tell that he was genuinely sorry but that didn't stop my mood from sinking to the lowest it could.

"It's fine," I replied flatly, trying to shield my disappointment. "Another time maybe."

I don't know if he could hear in my voice how much I needed human to human contact or if he just felt sorry for me but after a second he piped up with, "Well maybe you could drive over to my house? I'm pretty sure El went out and Lola is still sleeping."

Excitement jolted me at the thought of being near Lola again, even if she was unconscious and in the other room. Any chance to be close to her I would take gladly.

"Sounds good, Zacky," I said, trying not to let my excitement seep into my voice. "See you soon," I said then hung up before he had a chance to change his mind.

I jogged over to a counter where my car keys were lying and I snatched them up before running out to my car. I leaped in and started the ignition, then I tore out of the driveway as fast as I could. I couldn't wipe the massive grin off of my face and my finger tapped a fast rhythm on the steering wheel.

I drove as quickly as I could without being dangerous. My mind raced at the fact I would finally be in the same building as Lola. It didn't seem that amazing when stated as simply as that but to me it meant the world. She wouldn't allow me to see her so I would take any opportunity to be near her.

Just imagining her beautiful face brought up almost painful memories. How often had I spent reliving them lately? The one that I thought about most was without a doubt the best night of my life. It was the night before her 18th birthday and she was so alive and vibrant.


♡ I strummed happily on my guitar. I could hear Lola singing away in the shower and I closed my eyes, wishing that I could put her voice on a constant loop and save it forever. She softly sang 'So Far Away' probably not knowing that I was listening to her. As she melodically made her way through the chorus, I picked the notes with her and sung her backing vocals, so it was like we were having our own little concert.

I was so absorbed in playing perfectly to do her voice justice that I didn't notice the shower was off and she had stopped singing. I came to an abrupt halt and snapped my head up to see her standing in the doorframe with just a small towel wrapped round her lithe form, her soft smile directed at me.

"Keep going," she encouraged me, gesturing to my guitar as she tiptoed over and sat beside me, resting her head on my shoulder.

At her command, I played the second verse and hummed quietly along. She tapped her fingers rhythmically on my leg and added her lovely voice into the mix.

As we sat together, singing the song I had written to honour my dead best friend, I knew that this girl was it for me. ♡


I shook myself out of my daydream and wiped my face to bring myself back into the present, as bleak as it was compared to that magical night. I pulled into Zacky's driveway and got out of the car. His house looked as familiar as it always had and I ached to get inside and make myself at home as I usually did.

I made my way to his door and without knocking, went in. I had never knocked before and I wasn't about to start now. No greeting met me so I continued into his living room where the TV was quietly playing a cooking show. Zacky's phone was lying on the sofa but he himself was nowhere to be seen. I walked into the kitchen then proceeded to search all of the downstairs of the house for him, to no avail. The only room I didn't go in was the downstairs bedroom which was where I normally slept when I stayed over at Zacky's. It had most of my guitars and shit in it but now it inhabited a certain blonde and her bitchy friend.

I stood outside the door and wondered if I should check if she was in there. I was practically shaking in my desperation to go in but I knew that Zacky would be pissed if he caught me.

I silently pulled the door handle down and pushed the door open, wincing when it creaked slightly. I stepped softly into the room and glanced round.

Three guitars lay against the wall and my black beanie hat lay across one of them. Remnants of when I used to stay here were scattered about the room; my clothes were dumped in a corner and I recognised a collection of guitar picks on the windowsill. My eyes strayed to the delicate body strewn in the double bed and my breath caught when I studied her in detail. I thought I had been suffering from our distance but it was apparantly nothing compared to my dear Lola.

She was wearing one of my T-shirts which she must have found on the floor and it had ridden up past her stomach, exposing her blue lingerie. It also allowed me to see her shockingly thin frame and her protruding ribs. I had seen Lola nearly naked before and that once full and healthy figure had wasted away to a scarily skeletal body. My jaw dropped and I begged that it wasn't me that had caused her obvious deterioration. She was tossing and turning in her sleep, twisting the sheets round her feet and legs. Her uncomfortable moans made me feel as if I was invading a private moment. She was stripped down to her most vulnerable right now and I was standing like some freak watching her.

I was about to close the door and let her be at peace when she let out a loud groan that sounded like she was in pain. I pushed the door open further and strode over to her, kneeling down to her level. She continued to writhe distressingly and her noises of pain grew louder.

Suddenly, with no warning she let out a blood curdling scream that had me checking her to ensure she wasn't being tortured or something equally as brutal. My eyes ran desperately up and down her body but I couldn't see anything.

"Brian!" She shouted loudly as her face scrunched up to a mask of pure fear. I shot to my feet, thinking that she knew I was there and wanted me gone. However her eyes remained shut even as she continued screaming my name; her shrieks reaching a dangerously loud volume.

"Matt, please don't hurt him," she sobbed as her hands clutched her pillow tightly. I ran my hands through my hair,not knowing in the slightest what to do. "Brian please don't, please don't."

My heart ached at her pain and yet I didn't know how to fix it. If I tried to soothe her she could wake up and get herself in a worse state when she saw that it was me. Fuck, I should have just not come.

Her body went stiff and straight and her head snapped back as another heart wrenching scream erupted from her mouth. Tremors coursed through her fragile body and I was worried that her tiny frame would snap from the tension that was holding it.

The door to the room burst open and in strode Zacky with a hard expression on his face. He brushed past me and went straight to Lola, scooping up her shaking body in his large arms. She resisted at first but I watched as her stiffness melted in his arms and she once again grew limp.

"Get out," Zacky said with no judgement in his voice but with clear authority.

I meekly walked out and stood outside, listening to his soft murmurs as he calmed her. He stayed for another five minutes with her, speaking comfortingly before he joined me silently and shut the door behind him.

"Is she okay?" I blurted out as we tiptoed into his living room.

He turned to me, incredulous. "Okay? Are you being serious? Did you not just see her?"

I huffed out a breath and rubbed my arms. "So she's not okay. What's happened? Is she getting nightmares?"

Zacky got himself a glass of water, asked if I wanted one then sat down when I refused. "It started a week after you got home from hospital. Her screams woke me up in the middle of night and I went down and El was trying to calm her down. It took both of us to restrain her her so she didn't hurt herself. Since then she has nightmares about you dying nearly every night so she doesn't sleep and she never eats."

"Have you made her see a doctor?" I asked hoarsely, still reeling that I was the blatant cause of her pain.

"She won't go-"

"Make her go!" I shouted, interrupting him. He glared at me, shooting a glance in Lola's direction. I lowered my voice but kept the same intensity. "Fucking pick her up and take her there yourself."

He threw up his hands and said, "She's said that she doesn't want to go and I'm not going to take advantage of her when she's this weak. If she wants to go then I'll take her, but until then we play by her rules."

I cursed and rubbed my face wearily. "What can we do?"

"I don't know about you but I'm doing all I can. I haven't slept in ages because I have to help El comfort Lola every night. Sometimes when El has had a particularly bad night with Lola I'll take Lola in my bed and she'll sleep with me so that El can get a break. We're doing what we can for her, Brian," he reassured me.

"So she misses me?" I asked, not looking up.

"Brian, the girls fucking dying over you. Misses you? She needs you more than anything but she's too proud to let you back into her life. Just give her time and she'll eventually realise that she still loves you and you deserve her."

I looked in Zacky's piercing green eyes and knew that this man was taking good care of my girl until she could come home to me.

I might need to cut their time together short though, so that she didn't kill herself.

Notes

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