The Other Sullivan

CODE RED: DISASTERZONE

Everyone does it when they're a kid. You put your arms out and spin and spin and spin to see how dizzy you can make yourself. There's always that time where you bang your knee on the coffee table and it hurts like no other pain you felt before.

That's what love is like. You spin and spin until you find yourself in a daze and then you fall in love. The bruise on your knee? Well, that's the pieces you get from your shattered, broken heart.

I find myself thinking about the past. Somehow I managed to let my memory of what happened change. To somehow make everything my fault. Now I look back reading old entries and remember once more that it's not my fault. Not entirely at least. I know what I did was wrong. I shouldn't have had an affair with a married man. I shouldn't have let it get that far. It doesn't matter how close we got after Jimmy died. It should have never happened.

But he shouldn't have let it happen. If he actually, I don't know, LOVED his wife it wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't have had feelings for me. Did he even HAVE feelings for me? I can't remember anymore. Girls tend to make things up in their heads about what's actually happening. Maybe that's what I did. Maybe I made this entire scenario up in my head where he loved me and wanted to be with me. Was my judgement clouded? Clouded by the vulnerability of Jimmy's death?

I don't even want to bring him into it. None of this is Jimmy's fault. God, I wish he was here right now. None of this would have happened. Matt would still be married. And I'd still be…happy?