I Wish I Could be the One

It was Monday and I had managed to convince Matt to not say anything to Zacky since we didn't know what was really going on between us.
Not that there was an "us", but figuratively speaking.
I dreaded today but I decided that I was on a detox. A Johnny and Brian detox. I didn't need the stress, and spending the rest of sunday yesterday with Matt honestly made me feel so free and oddly enough happy for the first time in a while. And I realized after he left it was because I wasn't worrying about Johnny or Brian.
I was feeling good, and even though I didn't know what was going on with Matt or any of them really I knew I wanted to impress Matt. So I actually did my makeup for once, straightened my hair, and took the risk of getting some demerits and unbuttoned two of my buttons on my uniform, pulled on my knee high socks, and adjusted my skirt a little higher.
It was an odd look for me considering I usually rolled out of bed, and what was I even doing? It seemed unreal I was even doing this, that I cared enough about how I looked to Matt and even more unreal that I had lost my virginity. I wanted to scream and shout in disbelief because I didn't know how to feel. Awesome? Or guilty?! I needed to talk to Mina and she wasn't here, I couldn't call her because that would require me to explain the whole Brian and Johnny thing which wouldn't be fun. Not to mention it would take forever ranging from the shit Brian still had in my room, to the first time I hooked up with Johnny and falling at the bar. I felt alone in this, I couldn't tell Zacky because it would only complicate shit more. But somehow I felt obligated to try and look good for Matt...but why?

*****

I walked into Latin early and took my usual seat next to Jimmy who was already there.
"Well hello my princess Kat are we trying out a new look?" Jimmy said jokingly
"Umm kinda, I'm just trying something new" I said
"For who?" He said slyly
"Why only for you Jimmy bean" I said
He looked unconvinced
"I promise Jimmy, you're the only king for me!" I said in an enthusiastic voice and random accent.
"Why thank goodness my dear lady! Ahh but look the party just started" Jimmy replied as Johnny walked in
He gave Jimmy a head nod and looked at me up and down,
"What's this babe?" He said
"Wouldn't you love to know that?"
I guess I was going with the being rude to Johnny route. And I didn't even realize I was going to
"Woah okay, look kat I need to talk to you, can I talk to you after class?"
"No"
"Kat come on please I need to explain, and honestly I think you do to...you owe me at least that" he said
I hesitated and then finally replied...
"Okay are you going to explain how you and Brian thought it was okay to hit me too?" I didn't realize this was the first time I actually felt bitter about it, it was the first time I blamed them and not myself. And it finally sunk in what they had done. I felt even more broken, how did the guys I loved as family, and well lovers, friends, hurt me in that way?
Silence
"This is going to be a long Latin class" Jimmy said

"Look Kat please, can we talk after class? I'm honestly begging you babe" Johnny said
The babe thing was killing me. It was always my weakness, but now it somehow felt wrong, despite how much Johnny meant to me I just couldn't handle it.

"Don't call me that Johnny"
"Haha okay babe"
"Johnny I'm not fucking kidding. I'm not your babe!!" I shouted
Johnny looked hurt and shocked at my seriousness Jimmy looked surprised and a bit uncomfortable. But did Johnny really have right to be mad?!
"Kat please please please talk to me, I need to apologize to you" Johnny said
I rolled my eyes
"Fine"

It was the end of Latin and I was dreading this conversation with Johnny more than I let on. I could feel my self getting anxious and uncomfortable. I felt a pressure to block him out of thoughts. We walked out last with jimmy and Jimmy leaned against the lockers Silently waiting for Johnny. Johnny grabbed my hand leading me out of the classroom and I gently broke out of his grip, he looked at with eyes of dread realizing that I was actually mad at him.

"Bab- Kat, look I don't know whether it was Brian or me that got you on the floor the other day. But i don't care who it was, it was beyond wrong and unnecessary, and there is no way for me to express how truly and genuinely sorry I am. I would never intentionally do that Kat, I know you know that. and that's not an excuse, but please please try to see that it wasn't on purpose, and I know Brian wouldn't intentionally do that either. We....I... I love you Kat and all I've been thinking about is how wrong it was for that to happen, and I just hope that you can find it in you to forgive me."
I didn't know what to say honestly...
"I love you too Johnny." I said quietly looking at the floor "I know you didn't do it on purpose...but it still happened and that's not cool..."
"I know Kat I know, and nothing can say will honestly ever express how much I want to take it all back" he said quickly
"It's okay, Johnny lets just move on please " I just wanted to get away from him and head to class without them.
"Okay, but Kat..."
"Johnny no I'm done talking about this" I said firmly as I turned to walk away
"Kat don't fucking walk away from me" he said to me quickly changing his tone
I stopped confused to if Johnny had really just talked to me like that I turned around in disbelief. Jimmy shifted against the lockers uneasy
"Excuse me?" I said
"Kat don't fucking walk away from me. I apologized to you and you know...I know you know that what happened wasn't supposed to happen and I'm truthfully sorry it fucking did!!! But babe you still owe me the fucking truth!!" Johnny said red and fuming
I stood there frozen yet again unsure what to say to him
"You know everything Johnny!!" I finally was able to shout
"How long Kat tell me how fucking long!" He yelled
Jimmy covered his eyes rubbing his cheeks with his palms in response to how loud the hall was getting filled with our screaming and our classmates beginning to look
"Johnny stop" I said
"How fucking long Kat" he shouted at me as he stepped closer to me
"How long what Johnny?! What?!!!" I said pushing him away
"HOW LONG WERE YOU FUCKING AROUND WITH BRIAN?!!! KAT YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?! I thought... I thought we... " he trailed off. Jimmy began stepping in
"Guys come on I'm all for a show but not a free one and you both are giving everyone one. Let's go" Jimmy tried.
"No Jimmy I want her to fucking be honest for once! Was any of it real?! I told you I loved you and you don't even tell me you were hooking up with Brian! I know you love me Kat. You kissed me back! But you have a fucking funny way of showing it."
"Johnny I don't know how it happened okay. It's not like I really knew how you felt!"
Johnny walked towards me slowly and calmly. He stared into my eyes tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear...
"You know Kat, I thought you'd at least try to deny it, and that maybe Brian had been lying...just fucking with my head because he he knows how much I care about you. Honestly Kat, you had my heart since the day I fucking met you. And you've always known that just like everyone else. But I can't deal with this anymore babe. And I really don't know how much fight I have left in me." He kissed my forehead and his body brushed my motionless arm as he walked away from me.
And just like that my mascara running, Johnny and I were more broken than ever...maybe even forever.

Notes

Could this be the end of Kat and Johnny??? Mmmm....