I Wish I Could be the One

We sat there in silence for what seemed an eternity. I don't know how it happened. And I guess I let the vulnerability and my emotions get the best of me. I so bad wanted to be in control of something again. But this was not the way to do it. He sat there waiting for an answer and I didn't give him one. He never pushed me to or pressed the question. He just sat there with me. And as I quietly cried for a while. He put his arm around me in comfort and I put my head on his shoulder. I stopped and looked into his beautiful eyes. Matt was so sweet to me.
I pressed my lips against his wanting to feel some type of positive emotion that I had been missing the past couple days,and I guess weeks since all the drama started. He kissed me back so gently and sweetly and as I got more intense about it he pulled away.
"What's wrong?" I asked innocently
"I'm not going to do this. " he said firmly
"Why!?" I said angrily why could nothing go my way, why did everything I touch turn to shit?!
"You're hurt, you doing this because your hurt and confused. I don't want you to be confused about me. I want something real" he said
"Who said I don't want something real?! Who said I'm confused???" I said hitting the wall with my open palm letting out an "ugh" of frustration
"Look, Kat, since the day I met you the first time I saw you I thought you were hands one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. You're beautiful, and kind, and there's something about you that I love. But you're childish, you don't know what you want. I do."
"What makes me childish Matt? Being unsure of who my feelings for are more genuine or more powerful? They are my best friends and my family, maybe you're childish for my considering how I fucking feel having two of my best friends hate me!" I shouted at him
"Kat I'm not going to yell at you or argue with you. But I am considering how you feel. That's why I pushed you away. Fuck I want to kiss you so bad. But I know your heart isn't in it. I'm not going to hurt you, but I don't want you to hurt yourself either"
I didn't know what to say. But I wanted control. I wanted people to stop telling me how to feel. I wanted to do something.
I pulled him by the shirt towards me until his face was too close to mine.
"Maybe I do know what I want. Maybe I know Johnny and Brian are no good for me. But how do I know you are? Maybe I want you and all you're bad." I whispered to him
Matt tried to look away.
I softly kissed his cheek
"Kat don't" he said trying to pull away
"You said you wanted to kiss me. So kiss me" I said confidently. I was not going to let Brian and Johnny get the better of me. Maybe they really weren't good for me like Matt said. Maybe Matt is what I needed. I didn't know him as well as them, but maybe that's the point. Exploring the unknown, the unfamiliar. And he was unfamiliar sweet and nice to me always, but unfamiliar. I wanted to make him familiar. All of him.
"Kat I don't think this is a good idea you have feelings for Brian and Johnny." He said
"Matt, yea I do, but right now i can't be with either of them, not because of Zacky but because I don't want to be. They've hurt me, I've hurt them and caused everything. Maybe I need to be away from them. Maybe I need you."
"I don't want to be your rebound Kat. I'm not okay with you settling for me." He said serious
"I'm not. I'm growing up. I don't want to be confined to my brothers friends here or innocent or childish anymore" I said deadlocked into his eyes. "I want something new. I.... I want you" I said as I pulled his lips to mine giving him no choice but to kiss me. I could feel his reluctance but he seemed to soon forget. As wrong as this was it felt completely right.

****

And soon after we laid there in my bed. Naked. I didn't know how to feel really.
How was it that I had my heart set on giving my all to Johnny or Brian... But here I was naked next to someone I didn't even know that well. Who was I? How did I lose my virginity to Matt. I didn't love him the way I did Johnny and Brian, and this was devastating to me. If they knew about this it would break them. I gave in to selfish ways, and for what? To spite them? What was I trying to prove and to who? Was this meaningless then? I was so conflicted, because Matt could not have been more of a gentlemen the entire time. He never stopped asking if I was okay, and I was okay. I think. But I was turning into a groupie...and of my own brothers band. It made me feel dirty and small.
"Kat...are you okay?" Matt said
I finally responded minutes later
"Yea..." I said occupied in my own mind
"Kat...what are going to tell Zack?" He said

Notes