Famous Last Words

Johnny’s jaw drops. Zack doesn’t look all too surprised.

“I didn’t say anything at first,” Matt explains. “Because I was afraid it would tear this family apart.”

“Which was fucking ridiculous,” Brian interjects; his voice drips with hostility.

“Brian, calm down,” Michelle whispers. He just shakes his head at his singer.

“I need a smoke.”

He stomps up the stairs, if even possible, with more anger than Matt seemed to have had coming down. An awkward silence falls upon all of us. Everyone seems to be glancing between each other, unsure of what to do or how to react.

“Well,” Zack finally speaks up, clapping his hands together. “That would certainly explain a lot.” Everyone gives him a confused look, and he just rolls his eyes. “Oh, come on – Johnny, you had to admit that Autumn and Gus looked a hell of a lot like Val, even if she wasn’t their mother.” Johnny shrugs in agreement. “And then Michelle wasn’t even there for freshman year for some reason,” he recalls out loud. “I never really questioned it much, until Meaghan and I were talking about it a few weeks ago. Didn’t really think about it much, either – until Gus mentioned that Autumn not knowing who she was, was really bothering her.”

“How long did you keep it from her?” Johnny asks Matt.

“Longer than he should have,” I rasp. I attempt to clear my throat, but that just results in me choking on the pain. Michelle moves over and sits on my other side; she holds me in her arms for a moment, silently telling me to rest my voice for now.

“She had to find out on her own,” Michelle tells them for me. “Honestly, I tried to tell her myself, but Matt just wouldn’t let me.” She narrows her eyes at him.

“I was just afraid of how she would take it.” He raises his hands defensively. “I didn’t think she was mature enough to handle it.”

There it was again.

“Which just proves that you don’t know shit about me!” I attempt to yell, but it comes out all awkward and strangled-sounding. Either way, I can tell everyone in the room understood me just fine.

“Autumn!” Michelle hisses warningly. I ignore her and continue to stare daggers at Matt instead.

“I know more about you than you think –”

“Pictures don’t mean shit as far as personality is concerned!” He blinks at me. “You don’t know – you can’t possibly know…” My throat feels completely useless; it feels like it’s on fire. As much as I needed that moment with Gus last night, I was really beginning to regret pushing my limits as much as I did.

But I needed to say this. I needed to make him realize… I needed to make him realize that his ignorance was hurting me. And sometimes you needed to be honest, if it would benefit you. Even if it meant hurting someone – sometimes, you need to learn to save yourself before you drown.

“I tried, Autumn,” he says quietly. “I really did.”

“No, you didn’t. If you knew me at all, you would’ve figured it out on your own that I don’t like it when people try to force something to happen after one day.” I shift slightly under everyone’s gazes. “I understand Gus is your favorite – he’s everyone’s favorite. But would it kill you to make an effort, instead of just hurting me?” He looks taken aback at my statement.

But he doesn’t try to argue with me. I can’t tell if I want him to or not – on one hand, I want him to keep his mouth shut and just let my words sink in. On the other hand, I want him to defend me; I want him to reassure him that Gus isn’t the favorite, even though I know he is.

Even though everyone knows he is.

“I want to stay here.” Michelle squeezes my shoulder gently. Matt’s face falls; he looks absolutely crushed. “I want to stay with people who actually care about me. Who are actually willing to make an effort.” Matt slides off the couch and kneels in front of me. He tries to grab my hands.

“Sweetie, of course I care about you…–” I yank them out of his grip.

“Don’t call me that,” I growl. “You haven’t earned the right to call me that until you’ve shown me that you really do care – that you’re not just spitting out empty words to win me over.” He looks like he’s about to cry – and in a way, I feel bad.

But still not bad enough.

I stand up and silently make my way upstairs. No one says anything; no one calls after me. Because they know that what I’ve said today is true.

Guess I’m not the only observant one in the family.

~

Three days pass, and not a word from Matt. Brian continues to go to the studio like usual, while Michelle just stays home with me, making desperate attempt after desperate attempt to coax me out of bed.

As soon as the guys left the other day, I had gone right back to my new bed, where I subconsciously intended to spend the rest of my summer. I still hadn’t gotten over Anthony and what he did to me – and to make matters worse, I still hadn’t bothered talking to Leda about it. In fact, I hadn’t heard from her in days, and I was beginning to get a little worried.

I still felt violated and dirty and just… everything bad. I wasn’t quite sure how to describe it; I had never felt this way before in my life – I had never had a reason to before.

I didn’t call him; I didn’t tell him I needed him. But I did, and he showed up at the foot of my bed, after another short, nightmare-filled sleep.

“Hey,” he mutters, holding my hand tightly in his. My heart continues to pound violently, but I focus on breathing as I try to formulate a response in my mind.

“Hey,” I breathe back. “What are you doing here?”

“Brian and Michelle asked me to come,” he replies quietly. “They’re really worried about you, you know.” He pauses for a minute. “Autumn… Do you… Do you want to go home?”

His question catches me off guard. I had barely thought about Washington since our shopping trip, almost a whole month ago. Aside from running into Dillon in San Francisco, I hadn’t even talked to the guys that much.

Did I even consider Washington my home anymore? If not, then what do I consider my home?

“The guys and I were discussing it the other day,” he continues calmly. “And we’ve even talked it over with Jim and Rhonda. We all understand if you want to go home – we all know that you never wanted to come here in the first place.” As right as he is, I can’t quite imagine leaving. Who knows how things are going to be different when I go back? I won’t be the same – and I’m not sure I’m ready to face that reality quite yet.

“Gus,” I whisper, cutting him off from his rambling (which was so not like him; it was beginning to scare me). “I don’t know if I want to go back to Washington. At all. Not yet. Not until I’ve learned to move on and accept what’s happened.” He looks a little surprised at my response.

“Autumn… Washington is your home… It always has been.”

“I know,” I lie. “But I can’t imagine going back just yet. Not until I’ve figured out how to tell someone. And they’ve helped me to figure out where to go from there.”

“I can help you,” he says desperately. “Please, Autumn. I hate seeing you like this – Michelle hates seeing you like this. You’re not the only one who’s hurting right now because of this; please, just let me help you tell someone!”

“I… I can’t…” He hangs his head sadly, and soon I feel his warm, wet tears on my hand.

“I can’t lose you. I can’t lose my baby sister… I can’t…” he sobs.

My heart aches. I hate seeing him like this. And to know that I’m the cause… That just makes it even worse. Was I being selfish by refusing to say anything? or was I doing the right thing?

“You’re not going to lose me, Gus,” I promise him, sitting up slightly. “Not all of me. Not yet.” He looks up at me, frowning slightly. “I need to talk to a few people first. I need to talk to Leda. And Hunter.”

It takes him a moment, but eventually, he does seem to understand. And he nods.

“And then you’ll tell someone?” Even though it sounds like a question, I can tell it’s more of an ultimatum. Either I told someone, or he did it for me.

I nod.

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess I will,” I tell him.

“When can you talk to them? Can you do it tomorrow?” I blink at him.

“Please don’t rush it, Gus…”

“Oh, come on – you’ve missed out on so much, Autumn. I thought that you of all people would be sure to celebrate Brian’s birthday…” A wave of guilt washes over me.

“Shit!” I exclaim. “I missed it…”

“It’s not entirely your fault,” he reassures me. “You were out cold before anyone started arriving – Michelle convinced us to let you sleep. She said you hadn’t been getting much of it as of late…”

“Nightmares,” I explain, and he sighs.

“See, Autumn; you can get help for that sort of thing. All you have to do is tell someone.”

“And I said I would,” I remind him. “As soon as I talk to Hunter and Leda.”

“Tomorrow.” I roll my eyes.

“I’ll try, Gus. I’m not promising anything. I still don’t know if I’m ready to talk to either of them.”

“Sometimes you need to step outside of your comfort zone. Especially if it will help you in the long run.” I sigh. He’s right.

“I know. And I promise, I’ll do it before the end of the week.” He gives me a small smile before extending his pinky out towards me. I can’t help but chuckle at the childish gesture.

“Pinky promise?” he asks sweetly. I shake my head and roll my eyes; but at the same time, I can’t help but smile.

Gus and I have been making pinky-promises since before I can remember. Even as we got older, and they became more and more childish, we still continued to make them for little stupid things like who got the last cookie, or who took the blame for breaking one of Rhonda’s glasses again – and usually, Gus would let me have the last cookie; or usually, he would take the blame for me.

This time, I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for my brother. It’s time for me to stop being so selfish – it’s time for me to grow up.

I wrap my pinky around his tightly, symbolizing our vow.

“Pinky promise.”

Notes