Shake The Ground (re-upload)
Do You Care About Me?
"I re-re-remember when I lost my mind..."
The Gnarls Barkley song floated through my stereo as I silently bobbed my head along to the drum beat and glancing my eyes across the blue ocean as I drove along the Pacific Coast Highway. I was driving back after our first week in the studio, which had been exhausting. Carrie, of course, had no regards to my feelings and continued her bickering and childish play. I inhaled the cancer stick through my lungs, one I wasn’t supposed to have. The dreams of Jimmy have intensified, the only thing I know to do is self-medicate. I’ve got tons of bottles of booze hidden under my bed and a carton of Marlboro’s. I’m just praying my father doesn’t find them. That would be absolute hell. I would get the whole Jimmy wouldn’t be wanting you to do this speech, blah blah blah. I hate that speech because I know that, it’s exactly why I do this. Destroying myself so I don’t have to remember the things that hurt me the most. Self-destruction was a confusing thing to watch, much like watching a momma bird say goodbye to her baby and it crashing to the ground, the tiny wings not supporting its fragile body.
Except I was the baby bird and dad was the parent trying to help me become an adult. I was a ticking bomb, pretty much ready to blow and leave everyone with burnt skin and hollow hearts. My world was completely crashing and nothing I loved could even help me. Michelle had noticed and tried and I made her think she helped, she really didn’t. I had gone insane, there was something wrong with me. I had thoughts of pulling this car off the road, tying weights to my feet, and jumping into the Pacific Ocean. I didn’t care where my life went and I had always been a trophy child, daddy’s little gem. The other guys had kids but it’s not like the fans truly cared about them. I was “my dad’s little clone” and I was making him proud. It made my stomach churn to even think about. I pulled down my street and quietly relaxed into normalness. My eyes were bloodshot and my bags showed my tiredness.
Unlocking the door, I met five pairs of eyes, all staring at me questioningly. Oh shit, what had happened?
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dad asked.
“What?” I said.
“That you were on drugs.”
“I’m not on drugs, I have no idea where you got that idea.”
“Carrie called me and was very concerned about you, so do you wanna confess?”
“Dad, really? You believed Carrie, she’s around me like twice a month and is constantly dogging me. If you really wanna know, call Sam, she’s around me all the time and would know if I was truly doing that.”
“Well then, I will.”
We sat in silence for ten minutes as dad talked to Sam, our manager.
“Sam told me she’s also been saying crap about your mom and Jimmy’s death at band practice. I mean, do you wanna talk about it? I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, I was just worried and scared for you.”
“No, just leave me be, dad,” I said, trotting up the stairs and into my room.
I started writing a song about Jimmy and that horrid suicide attempt. The strange part is I could feel Jimmy holding me and begging me to not leave the guys and I could feel him crying on me. The memory forever haunted my mind, I had dreams about him and felt like he was near, but that was the closest I had come to having contact with him. He kept telling me to hold on and that he could see me trying to go to the other side.
“I know it’s hard baby girl, I have to watch you suffer and there’s nothing I can do about it, please stay, I love you,” He said, holding me tight as my vision was turning into black dots.
Jimmy was by far the closest to me of all the Avenged children. I was first born and Jimmy was like a big brother to me. Matt had a daughter, Cassie, who is stuck up and hates me and she’s like thirteen. Zack has two sons, Elijah and Dustin, and I guess we’re cool. Johnny has two girls, both young, Emma and Amanda, they’re sweethearts. Arin is too young, haha, who am I kidding? I was an accident out of my parents’ foolish high school parties. The truth was I had suffered with depression and anxiety out of trauma. When I was fifteen, exactly 3 years to the day of Jimmy’s death, I was walking home from school when I got grabbed by two of the school football stars and they tried to rape me. Needless to say, I kicked their ass, but they still undressed me, said things I never wanted to hear and taunted me. It was one of the most horrific things ever. I still have occasional nightmares about what would’ve happened if they had gone all the way. Yet another thing I didn’t tell dad about, the only one who knew was Johnny and I made him swear not to tell because he was at home when I came home crying and shaking in my boots.
I heard three knocks on my door and I kicked my boots off and laid back on my bed, “What?”
“Can I come in,” Zacky’s voice pleaded.
“Yeah,”
I felt the bed dip next to me as a tattooed hand rubbed my back. I flinched at the touch, remembering exactly where the boys had touched me. Zacky’s eyes saddened at the motioned and I could tell he was trying to understand why I did that every time anyone had physical contact with me. You’ll always feel the pain you’ve been given, it may dull, but it is still present every time the thought is triggered. Should I tell him? Ugh, this was so difficult.
“Why do you do that every time any guy, even your own dad?”
“You wouldn’t understand, Zack,”
“I can try to understand, Jules, something’s going on with you and we are all worried about you.”
“Iwasalmostrapedwheniwasfifteenwalkinghomefromschool,” I blurted it out.
“WHAT?” Zack roared at me.
“HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL US?”
“I was scared,” I whispered.
“WE COULD’VE HELPED YOU, JULES. YOU DON’T JUST HIDE THAT FROM US,”
“I’m sorry,” I cried and I started shaking.
“Shit, Julia, I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m sorry.” He said, running a hand through his onyx hair.
“Is there anything else you need to tell me?”
“ItriedtokillmyselfthreetimesafterJimmydiedandonceafterthesexualharrassment.”
“Fuck Jules, why? We need you. You’re part of our family. You’re always gonna belong and be accepted. You know we would do anything to make you happy. Besides drugs, because well, that’s common fucking sense. I know it’s been tough since Jimmy passed and especially after what happened to you. but we are here for you any time you need it. If you can’t get ahold of us, try another or one of our wives. We all care about you so much. We just need you.”
“Thank you, Zacky.” I cried into his chest and let him cradle me like Jimmy used to do.
This was so hard.
The Gnarls Barkley song floated through my stereo as I silently bobbed my head along to the drum beat and glancing my eyes across the blue ocean as I drove along the Pacific Coast Highway. I was driving back after our first week in the studio, which had been exhausting. Carrie, of course, had no regards to my feelings and continued her bickering and childish play. I inhaled the cancer stick through my lungs, one I wasn’t supposed to have. The dreams of Jimmy have intensified, the only thing I know to do is self-medicate. I’ve got tons of bottles of booze hidden under my bed and a carton of Marlboro’s. I’m just praying my father doesn’t find them. That would be absolute hell. I would get the whole Jimmy wouldn’t be wanting you to do this speech, blah blah blah. I hate that speech because I know that, it’s exactly why I do this. Destroying myself so I don’t have to remember the things that hurt me the most. Self-destruction was a confusing thing to watch, much like watching a momma bird say goodbye to her baby and it crashing to the ground, the tiny wings not supporting its fragile body.
Except I was the baby bird and dad was the parent trying to help me become an adult. I was a ticking bomb, pretty much ready to blow and leave everyone with burnt skin and hollow hearts. My world was completely crashing and nothing I loved could even help me. Michelle had noticed and tried and I made her think she helped, she really didn’t. I had gone insane, there was something wrong with me. I had thoughts of pulling this car off the road, tying weights to my feet, and jumping into the Pacific Ocean. I didn’t care where my life went and I had always been a trophy child, daddy’s little gem. The other guys had kids but it’s not like the fans truly cared about them. I was “my dad’s little clone” and I was making him proud. It made my stomach churn to even think about. I pulled down my street and quietly relaxed into normalness. My eyes were bloodshot and my bags showed my tiredness.
Unlocking the door, I met five pairs of eyes, all staring at me questioningly. Oh shit, what had happened?
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dad asked.
“What?” I said.
“That you were on drugs.”
“I’m not on drugs, I have no idea where you got that idea.”
“Carrie called me and was very concerned about you, so do you wanna confess?”
“Dad, really? You believed Carrie, she’s around me like twice a month and is constantly dogging me. If you really wanna know, call Sam, she’s around me all the time and would know if I was truly doing that.”
“Well then, I will.”
We sat in silence for ten minutes as dad talked to Sam, our manager.
“Sam told me she’s also been saying crap about your mom and Jimmy’s death at band practice. I mean, do you wanna talk about it? I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, I was just worried and scared for you.”
“No, just leave me be, dad,” I said, trotting up the stairs and into my room.
I started writing a song about Jimmy and that horrid suicide attempt. The strange part is I could feel Jimmy holding me and begging me to not leave the guys and I could feel him crying on me. The memory forever haunted my mind, I had dreams about him and felt like he was near, but that was the closest I had come to having contact with him. He kept telling me to hold on and that he could see me trying to go to the other side.
“I know it’s hard baby girl, I have to watch you suffer and there’s nothing I can do about it, please stay, I love you,” He said, holding me tight as my vision was turning into black dots.
Jimmy was by far the closest to me of all the Avenged children. I was first born and Jimmy was like a big brother to me. Matt had a daughter, Cassie, who is stuck up and hates me and she’s like thirteen. Zack has two sons, Elijah and Dustin, and I guess we’re cool. Johnny has two girls, both young, Emma and Amanda, they’re sweethearts. Arin is too young, haha, who am I kidding? I was an accident out of my parents’ foolish high school parties. The truth was I had suffered with depression and anxiety out of trauma. When I was fifteen, exactly 3 years to the day of Jimmy’s death, I was walking home from school when I got grabbed by two of the school football stars and they tried to rape me. Needless to say, I kicked their ass, but they still undressed me, said things I never wanted to hear and taunted me. It was one of the most horrific things ever. I still have occasional nightmares about what would’ve happened if they had gone all the way. Yet another thing I didn’t tell dad about, the only one who knew was Johnny and I made him swear not to tell because he was at home when I came home crying and shaking in my boots.
I heard three knocks on my door and I kicked my boots off and laid back on my bed, “What?”
“Can I come in,” Zacky’s voice pleaded.
“Yeah,”
I felt the bed dip next to me as a tattooed hand rubbed my back. I flinched at the touch, remembering exactly where the boys had touched me. Zacky’s eyes saddened at the motioned and I could tell he was trying to understand why I did that every time anyone had physical contact with me. You’ll always feel the pain you’ve been given, it may dull, but it is still present every time the thought is triggered. Should I tell him? Ugh, this was so difficult.
“Why do you do that every time any guy, even your own dad?”
“You wouldn’t understand, Zack,”
“I can try to understand, Jules, something’s going on with you and we are all worried about you.”
“Iwasalmostrapedwheniwasfifteenwalkinghomefromschool,” I blurted it out.
“WHAT?” Zack roared at me.
“HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL US?”
“I was scared,” I whispered.
“WE COULD’VE HELPED YOU, JULES. YOU DON’T JUST HIDE THAT FROM US,”
“I’m sorry,” I cried and I started shaking.
“Shit, Julia, I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m sorry.” He said, running a hand through his onyx hair.
“Is there anything else you need to tell me?”
“ItriedtokillmyselfthreetimesafterJimmydiedandonceafterthesexualharrassment.”
“Fuck Jules, why? We need you. You’re part of our family. You’re always gonna belong and be accepted. You know we would do anything to make you happy. Besides drugs, because well, that’s common fucking sense. I know it’s been tough since Jimmy passed and especially after what happened to you. but we are here for you any time you need it. If you can’t get ahold of us, try another or one of our wives. We all care about you so much. We just need you.”
“Thank you, Zacky.” I cried into his chest and let him cradle me like Jimmy used to do.
This was so hard.
I hope her and Zacky become bffs and stuff
1/29/15